Conflict

After much inner conflict I have decided.  It's not that I am having a problem with what I want, its acquiring what I want.  One thing is clear: I want him.  Second thing I want: to not make a wrong move.  But seriously, if he wants me, if YOU want me, come get me.  I won't know unless you take initiative.

When talking to Sam I had hit another conclusion about myself.  About why I don't want to take initiative anymore.  If I ask you out, or kiss you, I don't want you to like me because you are appreciated by someone.  I want you to go out with me or kiss me because you actually want me for who I am.  Is it really too much to ask?

Jean messaged me saying she has "information."  Basically meaning, she talked to Eric.  Oh yay, moment of truth: is Becky off her rocker?

Maybe I'm just picky.  I've been hurt, I know that.  I just don't want to be hurt again.  Maybe I am just not ready.

I feel bad because I never meant to make Adam second in my life.  I don't want to waste what we have, and by no means make him second.  But at the same time I am in need of contact.  I can't have Adam right now, because he is 3000 miles away.  It makes it difficult when I need someone to hold my hand or hold me tight to take away my burdens.

But as I said, I'm right here.  Come get me if you want me.  You have 58 school days left.

What I Want

It's been a while since I last updated, but its been one hectic week.  I'm excited for vacation, that officially begins after school on Friday the 13th, irony that hits us in the face basically.  Also ironic is our school celebrating Valentine's Day on Friday the 13th, so its all sorts of funno.

For the first time, ever in the history of knowing Eric, we hung out.  We sat by the river and talked, playing a massive game of Never Have I Ever.  We also ate, and walked and hung out in the park.  It was nice, I got to see a side of Eric that I felt I have missed before.  Mostly because I never took the time out of my schedule to care.  It was nice to get some closure on many curious topics, such as him and Ivy when they dated.  It was seriously hard for me, I found myself falling for him like I did back freshman year.  "It's funny how physical distance can change a relationship," as he put it.  He's right.  Ever since Ivy got to him first, with asking him out, I distanced us because it was painful.  For two years, he was removed from my life.  Over time I got over it.

I regret that.  I wish I had the guts to ask him out freshman year, or the guts to even kiss him or just get close to him when hanging out with him on Saturday.  I keep having this feeling that its too late, that maybe I should let what happened, or didn't happen, between us die.  But at the same time, I feel like he's trying to revive what we had.  I'm torn.  I am completely torn... and I get the same vibe from him, that he is torn too.

There was a time in my life where I walked miles to see him.  Not to sound stalkerish.  I remember freshman year he invited me to a recital of his, and he thought I wouldn't show.  I was poor, didn't know how to get there.  I walked 3 miles to attend it, and 3 miles to get home.  And yet, I still didn't have the guts to act on my emotions.

There is a part of me that wants to tell him its not too late, but there's another part that wants me to remember that I don't want to be the initiative.  I have ALWAYS been the initiative in all my relationships and hook-ups.  I want to be surprised, swept off my feet for once, even if I deny them.

I'm hitting a point where I don't know what I want anymore, and it scares me.