Beginning of August

I haven't sung at Mass since the last Sunday of June.  The last time I stepped into my church was when Adam was visiting for July 4th weekend.  What I love about my church is it's ability to completely engage the community into its homilies.  July 4th weekend was hard, we went to see the fireworks and walked all the way home from Boston.  Then we got up at 8 to go to 10AM mass.  We were not the only ones half awake.  But the priest went on a beautiful homily that brought us all together, a bit like MMA almost.  He said something along the lines of...

"Jesus didn't 'shed a tear', he looked down on his people and wept.  He sat down, and cried.  Cried to his father, cried for himself, his people.  He grieved for them.  Could you imagine standing there, with Jesus our savior and life, grieving for his people?  Sitting down, and weeping for the tasks to come?  We are told to remind ourselves, 'What would Jesus do?'  I want you to take a moment with Jesus, weeping beside you, and ask yourself, 'What would I do for Jesus?"

In the crowd you could hear sniffles, it was terribly moving.  But it was very intimate and reassuring that maybe sometimes, we must be the miracle.

Which brings me to today.  I went to Mass for the first time this month to sing.  It was great pieces, many of which reminded me of MMA to be honest.  I wore my MMA beads and everything.  One year ago from today, I was sitting with my MMA family singing a Japanese hymn that marked the end of my MMA era.  So that made it even harder.

This homily today, was given by a woman from our community.  I've seen her speak before, and she is just such an inspiration for us, and is a true blessing to have her here.  We celebrated the bread of life, and what that really means.  She mentioned how we find ourselves blaming God, like the Israelites.  They asked for water, and God gave them water, and then they forgot because they were so caught up in what they don't have then what they do.  They forgot the miracles.  They had to wait 40 years to find their homeland, I'm sure after 2 years being told "have faith" works a toll on the soul.  But she ended it with...

"May we try to believe in our faith.  May we try to believe in the Spirit.  May we try and believe in the Miracles."

Count the blessings.  Make the miracles the milestones in your life, not all the times where you cried out to the heavens.  Don't click your heels three times and give up, don't give your miracles a time limit.  But believe that if you keep clicking those heels, it will eventually come.

Look forward to the sunrise.

Not Ready

I am giving into love, I am refusing to give in to fear.

I don't know if Esther was quoting a RENT song, or just speaking her mind par usual, but that really hit me hard. I can't explain why. I feel my heart beating louder then ever, maybe afraid of knowing that one day it will stop.

I am loving in fear. I know that. I love Adam, and I am waiting, but I'm also scared that maybe he isn't the one for me, or I'm not the one for him. I'm not ready to shut down my options. I'm not ready for happily ever after. After is a key word there- it must come after a long fought battle. After scrubbing floors for years under your evil stepmother, after hiding a secret of being someone your not for a night, after finding your true love and having to let them go, to let them seek you out and whisk you away.

I know life isn't a fairy tale, but I still have too many stars to make wishes on before I make my happily ever after. And sometimes, stars are not made to be held, just to be looked at. How do I know which one I should be reaching for? And which one I should be admiring from afar?

Conflict

After much inner conflict I have decided.  It's not that I am having a problem with what I want, its acquiring what I want.  One thing is clear: I want him.  Second thing I want: to not make a wrong move.  But seriously, if he wants me, if YOU want me, come get me.  I won't know unless you take initiative.

When talking to Sam I had hit another conclusion about myself.  About why I don't want to take initiative anymore.  If I ask you out, or kiss you, I don't want you to like me because you are appreciated by someone.  I want you to go out with me or kiss me because you actually want me for who I am.  Is it really too much to ask?

Jean messaged me saying she has "information."  Basically meaning, she talked to Eric.  Oh yay, moment of truth: is Becky off her rocker?

Maybe I'm just picky.  I've been hurt, I know that.  I just don't want to be hurt again.  Maybe I am just not ready.

I feel bad because I never meant to make Adam second in my life.  I don't want to waste what we have, and by no means make him second.  But at the same time I am in need of contact.  I can't have Adam right now, because he is 3000 miles away.  It makes it difficult when I need someone to hold my hand or hold me tight to take away my burdens.

But as I said, I'm right here.  Come get me if you want me.  You have 58 school days left.

Day Dreaming My Life Away

I usually nap when I get home, its always been my sleeping pattern.  Come home, sleep, get up and do stuff, sleep again.  Thats what happened today.  I came home, went to bed at 4, woke up at 10, and will probably go back to sleep after this post.  Yesterday was a disaster plan.  I decided to try and nap at roughly 6pm.  I never slept.  I instead rolled around day dreaming.

All I could think about was how my Valentines Day is going to be so hard for me to cope with.  Valentine's Day has always been one of my favorite holidays, and even though I never had a Valentine, I always found the best in it.  It's even my confirmation name.

The problem is that I am madly in love with someone, in California.  He is 3,000 miles away.  For the first time I have a lover I want to spend my V Day with, and I physically can't.

I spent that whole time in bed dreaming up vivid possibilities (that are actually theoretically impossible) of how I can go to California some how, some way, to spend V Day with Adam.  My thoughts then streamed into how Adam can come here, or how he will surprise me on my door step.  I know this won't happen.  Yet my mind continued to torture me with the "What if."

I only laid down for an hour, because I felt sick.  I was so frustrated and anxious to just come back to reality, I wanted to scream.  I texted Adam on and off, and he said "Watch the mailbox, both digital and literal."  I wish I could appreciate that more.  I wasn't happy, just disappointed.  And I shouldn't be.  It is so sweet that he is thinking of me for V Day.  But I much rather watch the door than the mailbox.

When talking to Adam later that night/morning (we hung up at around 2:30AM) I told him my dreams in detail, all the way up to "watching the door."  After much silence, he spoke hesitantly, "Did I tell you how I tried to work out a plan, to surprise you on Valentine's Day?"

Not at all.  He never mentioned an idea like this once.  He continued to tell me how for the past month he was doing all the money calculations, and conversing with Jean, and looking at his school syllabuses and looking at his own schedule to come up with a plan to be here on V Day.  The only problem?  He doesn't have the money to do it.

I feel terrible for saying/thinking this.  "Why don't you borrow it from a friend or family member?  They know you will have a job soon."  This is EXACTLY why I am in debt in the first place.  Reid was so kind to let me borrow money from him, and he knew I had a job so it wouldn't be long to pay him back.  Now I am jobless and in debt to him.

I understand I am setting myself up for disappointment.  But I can either fight my day dreaming, or just go along with it.

I will be watching the door this Valentine's Day.

Once Upon a Time (Poem)

I wrote this after my long plane ride back from Sonoma, CA visiting Adam.  It is short, and was never really completed persay.  But I like it just as much.

Once Upon a Time

Walking hand in hand, putting present realities aside.

The warmth of the sun is welcomed, as the chill wind subsides.

The steps flow in a harmonious manner,

dancing to the rhythm of their heartbeats.

The bob in his step, the sway in her stride,

the sparkle in their eyes suddenly meet.

He breathes in as she breathes out, the fresh air so damp,

This is the story of two silly kids,

once upon a time at camp.