College Countdown

I'm on an official countdown right now.  I love that facebook application!  For July and June I told myself to take life as it comes and even though I am juggling 2 jobs I can have a good summer too.

And I have.

Now it is August and I still have not finished packing, I need to send stuff to my roommate, I need to order my textbooks, I have to finish my resume to send to Work Study, I don't have enough money as it is so I need more hours, I have to fill out medical forms, I need to sketch out the roadtrip to plan the hotel rooms, I'm donating platelets before I go, I have to find time to buy running sneakers, I must get a haircut...  the list goes on.

Not that I don't mind.  I am overly excited for going.  To start the rest of my life.  To finally meet my roommate and make friends and sing with Lori True and take classes I'll enjoy.  The wait is killing me more.   But at the same time, I need the wait to prepare.

So now my last month here is going to be spent getting ready.  I won't have a chance to say goodbye to many whom I love and cherish because I am so busy getting ready because I put it off for 2 months already.  I'm terrible at saying goodbye.  Or admitting that I won't see anyone to anyones face in particular.

I can't make anymore promises other then- I will be back.

Not Ready

I am giving into love, I am refusing to give in to fear.

I don't know if Esther was quoting a RENT song, or just speaking her mind par usual, but that really hit me hard. I can't explain why. I feel my heart beating louder then ever, maybe afraid of knowing that one day it will stop.

I am loving in fear. I know that. I love Adam, and I am waiting, but I'm also scared that maybe he isn't the one for me, or I'm not the one for him. I'm not ready to shut down my options. I'm not ready for happily ever after. After is a key word there- it must come after a long fought battle. After scrubbing floors for years under your evil stepmother, after hiding a secret of being someone your not for a night, after finding your true love and having to let them go, to let them seek you out and whisk you away.

I know life isn't a fairy tale, but I still have too many stars to make wishes on before I make my happily ever after. And sometimes, stars are not made to be held, just to be looked at. How do I know which one I should be reaching for? And which one I should be admiring from afar?