Showing posts with label Esther. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Esther. Show all posts

Monday, July 27, 2009

Not Ready

I am giving into love, I am refusing to give in to fear.

I don't know if Esther was quoting a RENT song, or just speaking her mind par usual, but that really hit me hard. I can't explain why. I feel my heart beating louder then ever, maybe afraid of knowing that one day it will stop.

I am loving in fear. I know that. I love Adam, and I am waiting, but I'm also scared that maybe he isn't the one for me, or I'm not the one for him. I'm not ready to shut down my options. I'm not ready for happily ever after. After is a key word there- it must come after a long fought battle. After scrubbing floors for years under your evil stepmother, after hiding a secret of being someone your not for a night, after finding your true love and having to let them go, to let them seek you out and whisk you away.

I know life isn't a fairy tale, but I still have too many stars to make wishes on before I make my happily ever after. And sometimes, stars are not made to be held, just to be looked at. How do I know which one I should be reaching for? And which one I should be admiring from afar?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I Admire You (And Will Miss You)

Dearest Esther,

You are one of my role models. I mean that. I remember the first time I met you, it was when I was starting to be less shy and more open. I was learning to make the first move when it came to talking and friendships. You taught me that it was ok to start the conversations. And I'm glad I did with you.

You saved me on numerous occasions, where I'd know no one but you. And you would be just as happy to see me. Our friendship is both giving and receiving, something seldom found in high school. And even so, I have only known you two years! And I haven't hung out with you much outside of school either, only on occasion. But the times that we did? You were always grateful for the times we were together. Its something that more friendships should have. Being grateful for the times shared.

You have also given me the confidence that the advice I give and the "deep profoundess" I express is worth it. You have always wanted to listen and have helped pushed me to not be afraid to tell the world. You have this natural gift of acceptance.

When you gave me the 4 page letter at graduation, I was really nervous. I was scared what would happen next year when I was gone, whether you would be able to grow as a person. But now seeing your blog, my goodness you are far better then our entire school. You know who you are, you are not afraid to be engaged in others lives, you are lovely in your own unique way that is just captivating to me.

Some people don't like that about you, I'll admit that. I have friends who have literally asked, "Ew why do you like her?" And I said no no please, give her a chance. She has so much to say, actually listen. Listen and learn from this girl. She has a genuine heart. Something I have always wanted to learn to have: a genuine heart. I don't know if its something you learn, or a talent of yours, or a skill I can never recreate. But you have it, please treasure it.

You are bound for greatness. I know you have self esteem issues, but knowing you and seeing how you have changed over the last year. I know you will learn to love yourself as much as I love you.

Thank you for everything.

Love,
Your Bex