Not Ready

I am giving into love, I am refusing to give in to fear.

I don't know if Esther was quoting a RENT song, or just speaking her mind par usual, but that really hit me hard. I can't explain why. I feel my heart beating louder then ever, maybe afraid of knowing that one day it will stop.

I am loving in fear. I know that. I love Adam, and I am waiting, but I'm also scared that maybe he isn't the one for me, or I'm not the one for him. I'm not ready to shut down my options. I'm not ready for happily ever after. After is a key word there- it must come after a long fought battle. After scrubbing floors for years under your evil stepmother, after hiding a secret of being someone your not for a night, after finding your true love and having to let them go, to let them seek you out and whisk you away.

I know life isn't a fairy tale, but I still have too many stars to make wishes on before I make my happily ever after. And sometimes, stars are not made to be held, just to be looked at. How do I know which one I should be reaching for? And which one I should be admiring from afar?

Latin- A New View of Life

In highschool I took 3 years of latin in 2 years. Freshman year: Latin 1. Sophomore year: Latin 2 & 3 HN. I wasn't studying enough as it is, and I only took it because friends suggested I should. I wanted to learn something I could speak though. And not Spanish because I took that in middle school. I was French and had French relatives. So Junior and Senior year I took French 1 & 2 HN.

I hated it. I always found myself asking- what are the english words derived from French? Yeah French is cool and all, but how does it relate back to the language I speak now. My entire French class spent 20 min talking about whether I should, in college, continue with French or go back to Latin. It ended with going back to Latin. Now for my fall semester I will be taking Intermediate Latin- which means I have been studying like mad so I won't die in this class.

As I spent my night sipping coffee, highlighting text, and typing up notes, I rediscovered the verb "to love." The dictionary entry is amo, amare, amavi, amatum. In english that translates to: I love, to love, I loved, I will love.

The word that sticks out the most is "amavi." Pronounced Ah-Mah-Wee. It is the past tense of I love. It is one completed action in time. A language so ancient that it is declared dead, has the simplist explanation as to why we have heartbreak, or why we end up leaving in the end- because it is no longer a constant feeling.

"Why did you date him?"
"Amavi. I loved."

How simpler of an explanation do we need?

I Admire You (And Will Miss You)

Dearest Esther,

You are one of my role models. I mean that. I remember the first time I met you, it was when I was starting to be less shy and more open. I was learning to make the first move when it came to talking and friendships. You taught me that it was ok to start the conversations. And I'm glad I did with you.

You saved me on numerous occasions, where I'd know no one but you. And you would be just as happy to see me. Our friendship is both giving and receiving, something seldom found in high school. And even so, I have only known you two years! And I haven't hung out with you much outside of school either, only on occasion. But the times that we did? You were always grateful for the times we were together. Its something that more friendships should have. Being grateful for the times shared.

You have also given me the confidence that the advice I give and the "deep profoundess" I express is worth it. You have always wanted to listen and have helped pushed me to not be afraid to tell the world. You have this natural gift of acceptance.

When you gave me the 4 page letter at graduation, I was really nervous. I was scared what would happen next year when I was gone, whether you would be able to grow as a person. But now seeing your blog, my goodness you are far better then our entire school. You know who you are, you are not afraid to be engaged in others lives, you are lovely in your own unique way that is just captivating to me.

Some people don't like that about you, I'll admit that. I have friends who have literally asked, "Ew why do you like her?" And I said no no please, give her a chance. She has so much to say, actually listen. Listen and learn from this girl. She has a genuine heart. Something I have always wanted to learn to have: a genuine heart. I don't know if its something you learn, or a talent of yours, or a skill I can never recreate. But you have it, please treasure it.

You are bound for greatness. I know you have self esteem issues, but knowing you and seeing how you have changed over the last year. I know you will learn to love yourself as much as I love you.

Thank you for everything.

Love,
Your Bex

Coffee Shop Romance

At work I wrote this on a bunch of sticky notes backwards. So I wrote the ending line first, then the line before that, and so forth. It was kinda cool how it came together. Hope you like it. It came out much more depressing then I meant it >_<

Coffee Shop Romance

As I began crying he asked,
"what did I do?"
"Oh sorry its not you.
Just need to get away for a while."
As he was hypnotized by my smile,
He asked, "Well what'll you order?"
"Just a cup of coffee will do me over."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Trusting a man I never knew.

Seasons came and seasons left,
But I sure will never forget,
The way he loved that gift I gave.
Although I never knew his name,
I simply wrote "From me to you."
"It's my only gift this year, to tell you the truth.
I'll use this mug and think of you."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Being a friend, of a man, I never knew.

"Thank you Good Ole Reliable."
He laughed, said, "Thought you should know,
I won't be around for a while."
As I heard myself say, "Don't go."
He reassured, "I'll be back for your smile."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Missing a man I never knew.

Days, weeks, months drove by fast.
Decided I should stop by and ask.
"Sorry m'am you didn't hear that he passed?"
As tears swelled the man said "wait-
He left a gift for the girl with the beautiful face."
And there it was, as it read.
"Here's my mug from me to you,
And no tears shall be shed."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
In love with a man I never knew.

Missing the lover I never had.

(Real) Wheel Questions

http://www.wheelquestions.org/


If you have not heard about wheel questions yet, well here it is. Johnny started this project a little while back because he wanted to change up his life. This is one of these most inspiring things for me especially, because I have always been the go to girl. Now he has people he has never met, trusting in him that he knows the answers.

Trust. Wow. I don't even have that with all my friends.

I went on the website to see if he answered my questions yet (which he hasn't, grumble grumble) and you see pages upon pages of questions. ALL answered by him. And a noticed a trend in questions.

Love. Everyone is so concerned whether they are enough, or that their partner is enough, or that it will last. People have a need to know whether its a waste of time or not. But seriously? That can be said for anything we do. We are so scared by heartbreak that we need a stranger to give us that extra nudge.

I'm not saying its a bad thing. Maybe we need the extra nudge, of someone we can convince knows us better then our own friends. Sort of the same reason why we have religions, and gods/goddesses to turn to. We need to believe that we are not alone. That there is at least one person out there in this universe, who can meet us eye to eye, and say yes, I see your soul. We all need that stranger in our lives. And sometimes, we need to be that stranger too. A friends mother once told me, "Never forget you are being watched. Sometimes you are the only God people will encounter on this Earth."

Thank you Johnny!

Wheel Questioner: What is the purpose of Life?
Johnny: You Get to choose! How do you want to live? How do you want to change the world?

Conflict

After much inner conflict I have decided.  It's not that I am having a problem with what I want, its acquiring what I want.  One thing is clear: I want him.  Second thing I want: to not make a wrong move.  But seriously, if he wants me, if YOU want me, come get me.  I won't know unless you take initiative.

When talking to Sam I had hit another conclusion about myself.  About why I don't want to take initiative anymore.  If I ask you out, or kiss you, I don't want you to like me because you are appreciated by someone.  I want you to go out with me or kiss me because you actually want me for who I am.  Is it really too much to ask?

Jean messaged me saying she has "information."  Basically meaning, she talked to Eric.  Oh yay, moment of truth: is Becky off her rocker?

Maybe I'm just picky.  I've been hurt, I know that.  I just don't want to be hurt again.  Maybe I am just not ready.

I feel bad because I never meant to make Adam second in my life.  I don't want to waste what we have, and by no means make him second.  But at the same time I am in need of contact.  I can't have Adam right now, because he is 3000 miles away.  It makes it difficult when I need someone to hold my hand or hold me tight to take away my burdens.

But as I said, I'm right here.  Come get me if you want me.  You have 58 school days left.

Random Poem

It can drive a man insane,

dreaming of days without pain.

It's not a matter of wrong or right,

love or fight,

desire for flight.

It's a matter of an end in sight,

to dream of life,

faith in "might."

A man must follow his heart,

not his mind.

But what do you do,

when your heart can't tell time?

Couple of the Year Award

If anyone goes to CRLS, I think we can all agree that Sydney Blaxill and Paris Ellsworth make the most adorable couple ever. Seeing them together makes girls cringe in jealousy, and guys look away in shame. Everyone dreams of this type of relationship at an early age. They have been dating for only... 2 months now? Maybe 3? They are not only adorable, but they are both extremely talented, extremely gorgeous, and extremely loving people. They are the teenagers that go about life problemless (in your mind anyway.) I'm sure they do have problems, but this isn't what I'm writing about.

As I have said the last two blog posts, I am spending my time in In House Suspension. It just so happens that Paris is spending it with me. After lunch, Sydney snuck in to give Paris homework. I also feel guilty for staring, because they always are so happy to see each other. You know how couples glow? In each others' presence? Thats them in a nutshell. So Sydney recites the homework, never leaving Paris' gaze, and then switches into Paris' needs. "Can I grab you anything? I feel bad that you're here... I have free time. Honestly, I'll get you something." Paris of course, was doing the humble "No, thanks" answer. Eventually Sydney leaves, with no response from Paris.

She later comes by, hanging out the hallway waiting for Paris to turn around. She had went and got Paris a large chocolate chip cookie, and an expensive one at that. It was the sweetest thing honestly. Everyone in this room was definitely jealous. I know I was.

This reminds me of another time these two had an adorable incident. When the Dance Works performance had ended, and all the dancers were changing and trickling upstairs to mingle with their audience. I found Sydney to tell her about her exquisite dance skills (which she does have!!!) and she appeared quite distant. I didn't realize I was keeping her from finding Paris. Feeling kind of bad I kept a look out, but he found her first. He came from behind and said "Theres my star." It sounds so so so cheesy in text, and probably would too if I recited the story to you. But because of how happy he was, and how serious he meant it, not hint of disbelief or doubt in his voice, it was heart warming. I felt loved. I could feel it off of them. As they beamed as usual. Of course, this was the first time I saw them kiss... and I felt like a little girl again, waiting for my dreams to come true.

And also, just now, I realized Paris is still wearing his necklace that Sydney gave him. Its a shell on a string. Kind of a reminder to him of the musical and of Sydney... thats cute =)

So even though we are only in January, they win the Couple of the Year Award in my book. Couples like them make me overly jealous, and faithful in love. =D

Once Upon a Time (Poem)

I wrote this after my long plane ride back from Sonoma, CA visiting Adam.  It is short, and was never really completed persay.  But I like it just as much.

Once Upon a Time

Walking hand in hand, putting present realities aside.

The warmth of the sun is welcomed, as the chill wind subsides.

The steps flow in a harmonious manner,

dancing to the rhythm of their heartbeats.

The bob in his step, the sway in her stride,

the sparkle in their eyes suddenly meet.

He breathes in as she breathes out, the fresh air so damp,

This is the story of two silly kids,

once upon a time at camp.

Words of Wisdom

I wrote this on a Facebook Note early yesterday, and felt it would be best to transfer it here.

To anyone who decides to read this long note, (I apologize if this is hard to read, I had only one hour of sleep and should be sleeping right now),

I have just spent my weekend at a Unitary Universalist Social Action Conference, aka a UU SAC Con.  This is only my second Con, but my first real heavy duty Con.  I have learned a lot and found a lot of answers to my questions that I have been needing for some time.  But I could write a long heart wrenching note about this weekend, and that is not why I am writing this.

I am writing this because I had overheard something that I want to share with all of you, something that has been implanted on my heart.  Something that hit me at the most perfect time in my life.  In order to express its perfection, I will try, in brief, to explain my situation up to date.

My life before the Con.  I owe a friend $400.  I owe my parents $180.  I owe another friend $20.  I am attending a $34,000 per year college come Fall.  I have failed a class for the first time in my life.  My college told me I did not get the large scholarship (something I have been praying for and was in serious need of), probably because of my failing class.  I have focused this semester, as well as my summer, staying up late, until sunrise sometimes, trying to help friends, family, or camp mates in need of support in some shape or form.  I told someone I preferred them dead, and I'd say it again, and I will never forgive them, and I'm afraid the higher beings will never come to forgive me for it.  I have given up theater, a large aspect of my life, to have a job, a simple job that will ease the costs and the stresses of my life.  That job was all I had.  It was my hope that maybe, just maybe, it will all be okay.

I was laid off Friday night at 5PM.  Almost immediately I called Jean, who then arranged for me to attend to Con, which I was at by 7PM.  I was shattered upon arriving, I felt the universe was playing games with me.  I felt betrayed.

At the end of the Con, never have I felt more that everything will be okay.  I had the ability to help those who had so much built up in them, they had no idea how to release it until then.  I also had been graced with the ability to cry, to just let it all out, in the arms of someone I had just met.  This, is community.

Much more obviously happened, stuff I am willing to share, and stuff I want to keep confidental, but not right now.  It's too soon.  So fast forewarding.

I was trying to finish up cleaning, so we can have our closing circle before everyone left.  I had also been in a rush, I wanted to continue writing little notes to put in people's mailbags.  So I entered the worship space to go clean out the bathroom on the opposite side of the place.  There was a minister, who was practicing his lecture, speech, sermon, whatever it may be called.  I was trying to be a ninja, do a quick dash and run.  But I stopped when he said the following: Why isn't it enough?

I felt my heart stop, and I whirled around.  I then plopped myself down in a pew, and listened to what he had to say.  The following is not word for word, but its the best to my memory.

"Why isn't it enough?  Why must we cause suffering on ourselves, to just take away the suffering of others?  How come we are not enough?  Why must 'lose ten pounds' or 'write in a journal' or 'be graduate school educated' be in our vocabulary, or our community's, or yours?  Why can't the simple talk, or the simple hug, or the simple catch throwing with dad, be enough?  Why isn't love enough?  Again.  Why, isn't love, enough?

I tell you here and now, Love. Is. Enough.  Could you imagine the world we could live in, if we were reminded that our love is enough to change the world?  Our love is enough to save lives, to comfort the stranger, to care for the sick, to raise a child.  Your love, is enough."

Once he said this, I took up the opportunity of silence to exit quietly, as to continue helping in the cleaning process.  But he was completely right.  Love isn't just a word or a feeling, its an action, a calling to do something greater than you have ever done before.

The love I have received at this Con, was enough for me to realize, that maybe, just maybe, it will all be okay.  It has revived my faith in that everything happens for a reason.  For all I know, I probably had been laid off to go to this Con.  Who knows?

Your love is enough.

Sincerely yours,

Becky