I usually nap when I get home, its always been my sleeping pattern. Come home, sleep, get up and do stuff, sleep again. Thats what happened today. I came home, went to bed at 4, woke up at 10, and will probably go back to sleep after this post. Yesterday was a disaster plan. I decided to try and nap at roughly 6pm. I never slept. I instead rolled around day dreaming.
All I could think about was how my Valentines Day is going to be so hard for me to cope with. Valentine's Day has always been one of my favorite holidays, and even though I never had a Valentine, I always found the best in it. It's even my confirmation name.
The problem is that I am madly in love with someone, in California. He is 3,000 miles away. For the first time I have a lover I want to spend my V Day with, and I physically can't.
I spent that whole time in bed dreaming up vivid possibilities (that are actually theoretically impossible) of how I can go to California some how, some way, to spend V Day with Adam. My thoughts then streamed into how Adam can come here, or how he will surprise me on my door step. I know this won't happen. Yet my mind continued to torture me with the "What if."
I only laid down for an hour, because I felt sick. I was so frustrated and anxious to just come back to reality, I wanted to scream. I texted Adam on and off, and he said "Watch the mailbox, both digital and literal." I wish I could appreciate that more. I wasn't happy, just disappointed. And I shouldn't be. It is so sweet that he is thinking of me for V Day. But I much rather watch the door than the mailbox.
When talking to Adam later that night/morning (we hung up at around 2:30AM) I told him my dreams in detail, all the way up to "watching the door." After much silence, he spoke hesitantly, "Did I tell you how I tried to work out a plan, to surprise you on Valentine's Day?"
Not at all. He never mentioned an idea like this once. He continued to tell me how for the past month he was doing all the money calculations, and conversing with Jean, and looking at his school syllabuses and looking at his own schedule to come up with a plan to be here on V Day. The only problem? He doesn't have the money to do it.
I feel terrible for saying/thinking this. "Why don't you borrow it from a friend or family member? They know you will have a job soon." This is EXACTLY why I am in debt in the first place. Reid was so kind to let me borrow money from him, and he knew I had a job so it wouldn't be long to pay him back. Now I am jobless and in debt to him.
I understand I am setting myself up for disappointment. But I can either fight my day dreaming, or just go along with it.
I will be watching the door this Valentine's Day.
