A Belated Update On My Life

It's been a couple of weeks since I last updated.  There is a lot to cover I guess.

My Valentine's Day was amazing!  I got in the mail 4 cards and a mix CD from Adam.  The cards were filled inside and out from him writing so much.  It was the sweetest thing, and I felt so bad I didn't do anything for him.  But he does plan to visit on the 26th-31st.... in two weeks I think?  Roughly?  We are cleaning away here trying to be ready for that.

I'm so glad our CRLS Theater group moved on to Semi Finals!  Me and Michael did the sweetest thing for them.  We made 48 goody bags for the entire cast, and put a rose in each one, delivering it to their room at Pre-lims.  And their show was fantastic!  Semi's are this weekend in Andover, and Ipswich will be joining us.  I'm ecstatic because I know a lot of them, and because I get to see Riley again.  Riley is the stage manager there, and I met him last year at Semi's.  We still chit chat and talk, and it will be great to see him once again.

I also recently teched for our Dance Show on backstage left headset.  We came to the conclusion that our dance company does NOT get enough credit for what they deserve.  And I hope many of them continue dance in the future.

What I Want

It's been a while since I last updated, but its been one hectic week.  I'm excited for vacation, that officially begins after school on Friday the 13th, irony that hits us in the face basically.  Also ironic is our school celebrating Valentine's Day on Friday the 13th, so its all sorts of funno.

For the first time, ever in the history of knowing Eric, we hung out.  We sat by the river and talked, playing a massive game of Never Have I Ever.  We also ate, and walked and hung out in the park.  It was nice, I got to see a side of Eric that I felt I have missed before.  Mostly because I never took the time out of my schedule to care.  It was nice to get some closure on many curious topics, such as him and Ivy when they dated.  It was seriously hard for me, I found myself falling for him like I did back freshman year.  "It's funny how physical distance can change a relationship," as he put it.  He's right.  Ever since Ivy got to him first, with asking him out, I distanced us because it was painful.  For two years, he was removed from my life.  Over time I got over it.

I regret that.  I wish I had the guts to ask him out freshman year, or the guts to even kiss him or just get close to him when hanging out with him on Saturday.  I keep having this feeling that its too late, that maybe I should let what happened, or didn't happen, between us die.  But at the same time, I feel like he's trying to revive what we had.  I'm torn.  I am completely torn... and I get the same vibe from him, that he is torn too.

There was a time in my life where I walked miles to see him.  Not to sound stalkerish.  I remember freshman year he invited me to a recital of his, and he thought I wouldn't show.  I was poor, didn't know how to get there.  I walked 3 miles to attend it, and 3 miles to get home.  And yet, I still didn't have the guts to act on my emotions.

There is a part of me that wants to tell him its not too late, but there's another part that wants me to remember that I don't want to be the initiative.  I have ALWAYS been the initiative in all my relationships and hook-ups.  I want to be surprised, swept off my feet for once, even if I deny them.

I'm hitting a point where I don't know what I want anymore, and it scares me.

Day Dreaming My Life Away

I usually nap when I get home, its always been my sleeping pattern.  Come home, sleep, get up and do stuff, sleep again.  Thats what happened today.  I came home, went to bed at 4, woke up at 10, and will probably go back to sleep after this post.  Yesterday was a disaster plan.  I decided to try and nap at roughly 6pm.  I never slept.  I instead rolled around day dreaming.

All I could think about was how my Valentines Day is going to be so hard for me to cope with.  Valentine's Day has always been one of my favorite holidays, and even though I never had a Valentine, I always found the best in it.  It's even my confirmation name.

The problem is that I am madly in love with someone, in California.  He is 3,000 miles away.  For the first time I have a lover I want to spend my V Day with, and I physically can't.

I spent that whole time in bed dreaming up vivid possibilities (that are actually theoretically impossible) of how I can go to California some how, some way, to spend V Day with Adam.  My thoughts then streamed into how Adam can come here, or how he will surprise me on my door step.  I know this won't happen.  Yet my mind continued to torture me with the "What if."

I only laid down for an hour, because I felt sick.  I was so frustrated and anxious to just come back to reality, I wanted to scream.  I texted Adam on and off, and he said "Watch the mailbox, both digital and literal."  I wish I could appreciate that more.  I wasn't happy, just disappointed.  And I shouldn't be.  It is so sweet that he is thinking of me for V Day.  But I much rather watch the door than the mailbox.

When talking to Adam later that night/morning (we hung up at around 2:30AM) I told him my dreams in detail, all the way up to "watching the door."  After much silence, he spoke hesitantly, "Did I tell you how I tried to work out a plan, to surprise you on Valentine's Day?"

Not at all.  He never mentioned an idea like this once.  He continued to tell me how for the past month he was doing all the money calculations, and conversing with Jean, and looking at his school syllabuses and looking at his own schedule to come up with a plan to be here on V Day.  The only problem?  He doesn't have the money to do it.

I feel terrible for saying/thinking this.  "Why don't you borrow it from a friend or family member?  They know you will have a job soon."  This is EXACTLY why I am in debt in the first place.  Reid was so kind to let me borrow money from him, and he knew I had a job so it wouldn't be long to pay him back.  Now I am jobless and in debt to him.

I understand I am setting myself up for disappointment.  But I can either fight my day dreaming, or just go along with it.

I will be watching the door this Valentine's Day.

In-House Suspension

THIS SUCKS ASS.

I'm here at the computer right now, and I am the only senior in the room. So Filo has respect for me to some degree. I guess this helps because I can now work on scholarships for this week instead of stressing over the homework. Or I can still procrastinate by writing in this blog.

HM.

In other news I'm wicked excited for Valentine's Day because I know what I'm doing for Jean... even though she is busy doing stuff for Cody. I got her a card and plan to steal more Dove chocolates, stick it in a vase with a single rose! It's gonna be brilliant I tell ya. I kind of wish someone would do something mildly romantic for me one day. But that's okay, I got time.

This is rather difficult to write because Filo keeps standing over my shoulder, so I'll finish this up later. Bring on the scholarships!