Repetitive Days...

I'm stuck in the lab again pretending to work. We have a sub which is all good I guess. I also forgot my phone this morning, and need to get to a Doctor's App... somewhere in MGH area. So if I'm not around all day/night? I'm wandering the streets of Boston. Just FYI. I'll probably head home first, right afterschool to grab my phone. But the more I think about it, the less of a good idea it becomes.

Virginia keeps suggesting I apply for a job at Goodwill in Davis. So I'll probably do that, organizing all the junk in the back. They say they really need staff for weekends. Thats extremely convenient because I can work the most on weekends and I can walk there from my house. I hope to grab that app sometime in my near future. It's difficult because whenever I have time to, its most likely closed. They close early, 6pm on weekdays, 7pm on weekends. Probaby so they can organize all the junk in the back for the next day.

I miss earning money, it was so relaxing to have a place to be other than school or home. I also owe money to peeps, so I need to get that down ASAP. ($608 doesn't just disappear off your name so easily.)

It's interesting how my life is run solely on school at the moment. Before, my life was "Homework time before 2nd period, homework time before 3rd period, FOOD/more homework time, APUSH, theater theater theater theater sleep, maybe food." That was an example of my day basically. Now my life is "Coffee, notes, homeroom/homework, chill, chill, food, dance, home, sleep, wake up, eat, sleep." Do you know how much I miss my old schedule? My life is so dull, theres nothing going on anymore. I want more excitement =/

Day Dreaming My Life Away

I usually nap when I get home, its always been my sleeping pattern.  Come home, sleep, get up and do stuff, sleep again.  Thats what happened today.  I came home, went to bed at 4, woke up at 10, and will probably go back to sleep after this post.  Yesterday was a disaster plan.  I decided to try and nap at roughly 6pm.  I never slept.  I instead rolled around day dreaming.

All I could think about was how my Valentines Day is going to be so hard for me to cope with.  Valentine's Day has always been one of my favorite holidays, and even though I never had a Valentine, I always found the best in it.  It's even my confirmation name.

The problem is that I am madly in love with someone, in California.  He is 3,000 miles away.  For the first time I have a lover I want to spend my V Day with, and I physically can't.

I spent that whole time in bed dreaming up vivid possibilities (that are actually theoretically impossible) of how I can go to California some how, some way, to spend V Day with Adam.  My thoughts then streamed into how Adam can come here, or how he will surprise me on my door step.  I know this won't happen.  Yet my mind continued to torture me with the "What if."

I only laid down for an hour, because I felt sick.  I was so frustrated and anxious to just come back to reality, I wanted to scream.  I texted Adam on and off, and he said "Watch the mailbox, both digital and literal."  I wish I could appreciate that more.  I wasn't happy, just disappointed.  And I shouldn't be.  It is so sweet that he is thinking of me for V Day.  But I much rather watch the door than the mailbox.

When talking to Adam later that night/morning (we hung up at around 2:30AM) I told him my dreams in detail, all the way up to "watching the door."  After much silence, he spoke hesitantly, "Did I tell you how I tried to work out a plan, to surprise you on Valentine's Day?"

Not at all.  He never mentioned an idea like this once.  He continued to tell me how for the past month he was doing all the money calculations, and conversing with Jean, and looking at his school syllabuses and looking at his own schedule to come up with a plan to be here on V Day.  The only problem?  He doesn't have the money to do it.

I feel terrible for saying/thinking this.  "Why don't you borrow it from a friend or family member?  They know you will have a job soon."  This is EXACTLY why I am in debt in the first place.  Reid was so kind to let me borrow money from him, and he knew I had a job so it wouldn't be long to pay him back.  Now I am jobless and in debt to him.

I understand I am setting myself up for disappointment.  But I can either fight my day dreaming, or just go along with it.

I will be watching the door this Valentine's Day.

Universe Hates Me

This week has been wicked hard to get through.  We started new classes, and they are utterly painful.  Mostly because I don't have Jean in any of my classes.

The other day I waited for her for 3 hours in Starbucks.  Knowing that if I left, she'd show up right after, so I just waited.  She had to do costumes, so I gave her time.  I promised her I'd wait.  During that time I did get some homework done and had gotten to know Aaron better.  Anyways, now at 6PM she comes and saves me from Starbucks, where I had been since 2:30, and we walked.  We made it 2 blocks before we ran into Ayo, Quinn, and Meghan (?).  Ayo automatically drifted to Lydia, Jean automatically drifted to Quinn and Meghan.  I had no one to talk with.  Yet, no one gave a shit.  I tried joining in Lydz and Ayo's conversation- Lydz talked over me.  I then drifted to Jean and Quinn's conversation- Quinn talked over me.  They were discussing about Monica, and I tried so hard to be a part of this theater discussion, and I failed quite miserably.  It was as if I wasn't allowed to be a part of anything theatrical.  Fine.  As I walked ahead I was frustrated and ashamed for 3 reasons: 1) I have become socially dependent on Jean.  2) I was turned down by my best friend for a boy, although I waited 3 hours.  3) Once you are not a part of theater, you can not be a part of the group.

So the next day I tried to reenter myself into Tech.  I decided that I might be a happier person if I do tech again, even though I am slightly conforming.  Everyone told me I would be able to travel when doing tech again, which is quite the booster.  Virginia said they would make sure I travel.  Joanne broke that optimism though, when she indirectly told me I wouldn't be able to travel.  I found myself crying in the bathroom over my stupidity, I felt so stupid to think I could just reenter myself into theater.  I found myself screaming at Jean about how I don't want to be used and abused anymore, that if I DO something, I get SOMETHING in return.  Tech, would not give me what I wanted in return.  I also screamed about how I don't want to be a part of the stupid theater group and they could all go to hell, or some bullshit.  I don't really remember.

So I'm back to searching for a job, because I am poor and owe $608 to people, and have to deal with college.  But the bright side is I got a $34,000 scholarship, and it will be paid $8,500 a year.  Also if I visit the campus, they will reimburse me for $200 of it.  That's something right?