Homesickness

I'm not. At least, I don't think I am. Its hard to say. Everyone expects me to be homesick, and I do feel a little uneasy on the weekends when no one is around to do anything. But I'm okay.

At home I loved to do things on my own. Shopping, walking, riding the train, getting to and from work or school, reading or sitting by the river, eating. I lived by the philosophy of having at least one "me" day, and all the other days of the week be "we" days. This is what I miss. I miss just having my iPod and deciding where I will be going or what I need to get or what I want to do - and actually doing it. I could do it all subconciously - knowing how much money I need, or knowing I have to stop by an ATM on the way, or by a Starbucks. It was something I never had to consider and think about.

I tried to do this when I went to the pharmacy. It was nice, and I'm really glad I had something sort of like home. But it wasn't the same because I wasn't familiar enough that I had to be so aware of my surroundings so I don't get hit by a car, or get lost, or get hit on by the wrong people.

So I miss "me" time. But as much as I miss the company of my family and friends, I'm okay. I can admit that I don't remember what their hugs are like, or what their laughter sounds like, or how they smile, but I know I'll get to see them again soon. And I can tell them all about the friendships and bonds I have made here. I was always told that I adapt well to new surroundings, and I'm easy to get to know. It was tested, and I'd say they are pretty right.

So, I'm okay. And its nice to say that for once.

Silence

I've had an interesting 2 weeks here. I am overloaded with school work and my job and trying to find time to keep in touch with everyone back home, but I am quite satisfied with my time here.

A large part of this weeks topic in my Reflective Woman class is the ability to be heard. Some of my favorite quotes from the book thus far are,
"We must help the oppressed be listened into speech."
"Your silence will not protect you."
"It is our shared commitment toward a world in which the inborn potentialities of so many women's minds will no longer be wasted, raveled-away, paralyzed, and denied."

I've cried over this book on multiple occasions. I'm quite emotional, but its hard when you know you have been that passive girl, allowing yourself to be walked over. And it isn't easy, which is sometimes misunderstood. And most of all, being silent will not make it easier.

But I have a hard time grasping why silence is considered so negative. Sometimes we need to let ourselves be silent. Its hard to listen and speak; how can I listen for the changes necessary when trying to speak them at the same time? Being silent in fear is a negative thing. But being silent in awe, and being silent to let others speak, and being silent so you can embrace the world around you? That is definitely a necessary part of living, that should not be ignored either.

Silence has a sound. We just have to learn to listen for it.

Long Haul

It took weeks and maybe even months to prepare for this moment... but here goes.

I am a college student.

This is when the rest of my life begins.

Its weird. It took a while to settle in, with the opening celebrations and 3 day orientation and classes starting so late. I'm still not completely settled either. I found out I got the Social Justice Coordinator job, so I start work Monday. I still need to get my laundry card. I need to get ink cartridges. Its as if it never ends.

But right now, its nice to say I am here in one piece. I am spending my saturday night alone, since my roommate went home for the weekend. Its pleasant - nice to soak it in.

Heres a toast to a wonderful year.

College Countdown

I'm on an official countdown right now.  I love that facebook application!  For July and June I told myself to take life as it comes and even though I am juggling 2 jobs I can have a good summer too.

And I have.

Now it is August and I still have not finished packing, I need to send stuff to my roommate, I need to order my textbooks, I have to finish my resume to send to Work Study, I don't have enough money as it is so I need more hours, I have to fill out medical forms, I need to sketch out the roadtrip to plan the hotel rooms, I'm donating platelets before I go, I have to find time to buy running sneakers, I must get a haircut...  the list goes on.

Not that I don't mind.  I am overly excited for going.  To start the rest of my life.  To finally meet my roommate and make friends and sing with Lori True and take classes I'll enjoy.  The wait is killing me more.   But at the same time, I need the wait to prepare.

So now my last month here is going to be spent getting ready.  I won't have a chance to say goodbye to many whom I love and cherish because I am so busy getting ready because I put it off for 2 months already.  I'm terrible at saying goodbye.  Or admitting that I won't see anyone to anyones face in particular.

I can't make anymore promises other then- I will be back.

Good Night Moon

You know when your little- how you dream of being a fire truck driver, or a doctor, or an astronaut?

I was never one of those kids.

I guess you can call me a realist- I wanted to be a teacher.  I never looked up at the night sky whispering, "One day..."  I never cared about it.  I've read stories and talked to many who said, "It makes me feel small, and connected with the rest of the world, knowing there is so much out there."  I never had this feeling.  Wherever I was I could look up and point out 2 stars, maybe 5 if I was lucky.  It scared me, knowing that there wasn't much out there, and if anything I felt more disconnected with the world knowing I can't see the things they can.

The first time I saw the "real" Night sky was when I was on my 8th grade feel trip coming back from New York.  I looked up and couldn't count them.  I could make out the big dipper, and spy the North Star.  I was taken aback that maybe I was wrong, and I started weeping to myself as the rest of the bus slept.  I can be a part of the world.  The next times I encountered these moments was on my roadtrips to colleges, to Minnesota, to Pennsylvania, and visiting in California.  Only on a few nights.  I just remember in Ohio, seeing how the highway met the sky, and the stars were a dome surrounding it.  I have never seen it "dome" like this except in a Planetarium.  It was utterly beautiful.

I bring all this up because of when I saw the night sky driving home Wednesday night with my mom.  It was 1AM, and we just finished up work.  I'd look up and there were no stars because the moon was too bright.  But you could see every detail, every line, of the massive cloud in front of it.  I was up against the glass of the window; it looked like I was underwater looking at the waters surface.  I heard myself think,

One Day...

I prayed that I could be younger again, just so I could get the experience of dreaming big.  As if I missed out.  But really?  I haven't missed out at all.  I had a different way to find it.  I just had to catch up to it, and it had to catch up to me.

Beginning of August

I haven't sung at Mass since the last Sunday of June.  The last time I stepped into my church was when Adam was visiting for July 4th weekend.  What I love about my church is it's ability to completely engage the community into its homilies.  July 4th weekend was hard, we went to see the fireworks and walked all the way home from Boston.  Then we got up at 8 to go to 10AM mass.  We were not the only ones half awake.  But the priest went on a beautiful homily that brought us all together, a bit like MMA almost.  He said something along the lines of...

"Jesus didn't 'shed a tear', he looked down on his people and wept.  He sat down, and cried.  Cried to his father, cried for himself, his people.  He grieved for them.  Could you imagine standing there, with Jesus our savior and life, grieving for his people?  Sitting down, and weeping for the tasks to come?  We are told to remind ourselves, 'What would Jesus do?'  I want you to take a moment with Jesus, weeping beside you, and ask yourself, 'What would I do for Jesus?"

In the crowd you could hear sniffles, it was terribly moving.  But it was very intimate and reassuring that maybe sometimes, we must be the miracle.

Which brings me to today.  I went to Mass for the first time this month to sing.  It was great pieces, many of which reminded me of MMA to be honest.  I wore my MMA beads and everything.  One year ago from today, I was sitting with my MMA family singing a Japanese hymn that marked the end of my MMA era.  So that made it even harder.

This homily today, was given by a woman from our community.  I've seen her speak before, and she is just such an inspiration for us, and is a true blessing to have her here.  We celebrated the bread of life, and what that really means.  She mentioned how we find ourselves blaming God, like the Israelites.  They asked for water, and God gave them water, and then they forgot because they were so caught up in what they don't have then what they do.  They forgot the miracles.  They had to wait 40 years to find their homeland, I'm sure after 2 years being told "have faith" works a toll on the soul.  But she ended it with...

"May we try to believe in our faith.  May we try to believe in the Spirit.  May we try and believe in the Miracles."

Count the blessings.  Make the miracles the milestones in your life, not all the times where you cried out to the heavens.  Don't click your heels three times and give up, don't give your miracles a time limit.  But believe that if you keep clicking those heels, it will eventually come.

Look forward to the sunrise.

Bitter Taste

Once upon a time there was a blogpost here. A very angry one. It caused a lot of miscommuncation and bitterness. I really felt the so called "Bitter Taste."

Now miscommunications have been communicated. I would've deleted this earlier but I was afraid it would cause more miscommunications... but now its settled. So there is no reason to leave it up.

Its time to move on.

Starting now.

Crayola Blue

I wrote this while getting a burger in Davis... enjoy!

Crayola Blue

If you asked me my first memory,
I'd lie to your face.
I'd say it was my mother,
teaching me to wait.
But I learned on my own,
I learned it from you.
You are my first memory,
across the sandbox,
with your eyes so blue.

CHORUS:
I'll meet you at the swingset,
and we'll push one another.
We'll swing so high,
we'll fly to each other.
I'll meet you in the slide,
play by nobodies rules.
We'll play tag,
with only us two.
I'll be in playground,
waiting for you.

I remember, back in preschool,
you were the nicest boy I knew.
When you shared with me your crayons,
and you whined and cried,
cuz I never gave back that blue.
No matter how hard I tried,
they were never as blue as yours.

CHORUS

In our rambunkious years,
sneaking out in the night.
the moon smiling down,
as we admitted our love in the twilight.
Your jawline showing signs of manhood.
My curves showing signs of womanhood.
holding each others hands to adulthood.

CHORUS

My baby is beautiful,
I wish you'd stop by.
He has blue eyes like yours,
named him after a childhood sweetheart of mine.
This world is so scary,
so big and scary without you.
Without you.
Can we please, please go back to...

Meeting by the swingset,
pushing one another.
Swinging so high,
flying to each other.
Our secret hideout in the slide,
when I could call you mine.
Yeah call you mine.
I'll be in the playground waiting for you.
Waiting for you.
In the playground, waiting for you.

Long Awaited Rant

And it has to wait even longer.

I need it so bad.

But I won't have time to until I get home from work.

At 10.

God help me.

Not Ready

I am giving into love, I am refusing to give in to fear.

I don't know if Esther was quoting a RENT song, or just speaking her mind par usual, but that really hit me hard. I can't explain why. I feel my heart beating louder then ever, maybe afraid of knowing that one day it will stop.

I am loving in fear. I know that. I love Adam, and I am waiting, but I'm also scared that maybe he isn't the one for me, or I'm not the one for him. I'm not ready to shut down my options. I'm not ready for happily ever after. After is a key word there- it must come after a long fought battle. After scrubbing floors for years under your evil stepmother, after hiding a secret of being someone your not for a night, after finding your true love and having to let them go, to let them seek you out and whisk you away.

I know life isn't a fairy tale, but I still have too many stars to make wishes on before I make my happily ever after. And sometimes, stars are not made to be held, just to be looked at. How do I know which one I should be reaching for? And which one I should be admiring from afar?

Latin- A New View of Life

In highschool I took 3 years of latin in 2 years. Freshman year: Latin 1. Sophomore year: Latin 2 & 3 HN. I wasn't studying enough as it is, and I only took it because friends suggested I should. I wanted to learn something I could speak though. And not Spanish because I took that in middle school. I was French and had French relatives. So Junior and Senior year I took French 1 & 2 HN.

I hated it. I always found myself asking- what are the english words derived from French? Yeah French is cool and all, but how does it relate back to the language I speak now. My entire French class spent 20 min talking about whether I should, in college, continue with French or go back to Latin. It ended with going back to Latin. Now for my fall semester I will be taking Intermediate Latin- which means I have been studying like mad so I won't die in this class.

As I spent my night sipping coffee, highlighting text, and typing up notes, I rediscovered the verb "to love." The dictionary entry is amo, amare, amavi, amatum. In english that translates to: I love, to love, I loved, I will love.

The word that sticks out the most is "amavi." Pronounced Ah-Mah-Wee. It is the past tense of I love. It is one completed action in time. A language so ancient that it is declared dead, has the simplist explanation as to why we have heartbreak, or why we end up leaving in the end- because it is no longer a constant feeling.

"Why did you date him?"
"Amavi. I loved."

How simpler of an explanation do we need?

Natural High

When I was little, I did sports. I played Baseball for 3 years, Soccer for 2 years, Football for a year, Karate for 3 years, and Gymnastics on and off for 5 years. I was an athletic child! When I hit highschool though, I dropped it all to do theater. Not only was I no longer growing, I was no longer getting my exercise. I gained 40 pounds- 10 pounds a year. Some say I don't look 160 pounds, probably because of the muscle mass from working out over summers, and at tech and such. I hit a point this year where I stopped caring about my appearance, I know people will love me anyways.

This summer I became lazy, eating junk, doing nothing. Jean and I attempted running in the past, but we always had something to do or never had the nerve to do it. I can't fit into any of my summer clothes without sucking it in, Jean threw out a bunch of clothes that no longer fit her. Timmy and I last Sunday said "Lets get junk food!" And walked to Davis to go to the local CVS. It was embarrassing how tiring that was for us, to walk to Davis and back.

"It ends now."

At work the next day I text Jean. Making clear that we are running, tonight. No choices. I got my gear and ran to her place. We took the bike path from her house through Davis up towards Somerville. I remember she said she had to stop at the "Fiesta Pole" but I kept saying "No- Crosswalk!" Which was a bit farther down. She ended up stopping a bit past the Fiesta Pole, but I made it all the way. And stopped, ready to fall over.

In my Exercise Physiology class we talked a lot about "hitting the wall." I have never experienced this, but I am told that you must hit the wall, rest, and then continue onward in order to get better and to challenge yourself.

I could tell my eyes were dilating, trying to focus on everything around me at once. My water bottle felt like a 20 pound weight. On my back it felt like my rib cage was collapsing inward. I could feel all the muscles in my legs contracting, as if for dear life. My lungs weren't pumping fast enough, so it felt like I was at a stand still. I could feel my heart throbbing in my ears. But my favorite difference- the smile that crept over my face as I looked back at Jean.

I hit the wall.

I have been running everyday this week, and my legs are terribly sore. But that won't stop me! I even ran in the rain last Tuesday! Amazing experience!

What have you done lately?

Top of the World - Dixie Chicks

I absolutely love this song. Everytime I listen to it I get chills. The first time I heard it was when my grandmother and I were taking a roadtrip to Minnesota to my camp, but I thought nothing of it at the time. The second time I heard it was when I decided to help out the Dance Company with teching their show. I was backstage at the time taping schedules up to the wall when I hear this song come on. Oh thats cool, I recognize it, no biggie. Then I heard "Think I broke the wings off that little songbird, she's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now." How powerful of a line. I can't even explain it. I remember whipping around and watching the dance as it finished. The second time I saw it I bawled, it was moving to watch as a dixie chicks fan and with everything else in my life going on.

My other favorite line is "There's a whole lot of singin' thats never gonna be heard." It's so true. There is so much in this world, so much wisdom that we will never know about either personally, or in speaking for the world. There could be people in 3rd world countries that could know the meaning of life, and we will never know.

This song is beautifully crafted, I suggest looking it up.

I Admire You (And Will Miss You)

Dearest Esther,

You are one of my role models. I mean that. I remember the first time I met you, it was when I was starting to be less shy and more open. I was learning to make the first move when it came to talking and friendships. You taught me that it was ok to start the conversations. And I'm glad I did with you.

You saved me on numerous occasions, where I'd know no one but you. And you would be just as happy to see me. Our friendship is both giving and receiving, something seldom found in high school. And even so, I have only known you two years! And I haven't hung out with you much outside of school either, only on occasion. But the times that we did? You were always grateful for the times we were together. Its something that more friendships should have. Being grateful for the times shared.

You have also given me the confidence that the advice I give and the "deep profoundess" I express is worth it. You have always wanted to listen and have helped pushed me to not be afraid to tell the world. You have this natural gift of acceptance.

When you gave me the 4 page letter at graduation, I was really nervous. I was scared what would happen next year when I was gone, whether you would be able to grow as a person. But now seeing your blog, my goodness you are far better then our entire school. You know who you are, you are not afraid to be engaged in others lives, you are lovely in your own unique way that is just captivating to me.

Some people don't like that about you, I'll admit that. I have friends who have literally asked, "Ew why do you like her?" And I said no no please, give her a chance. She has so much to say, actually listen. Listen and learn from this girl. She has a genuine heart. Something I have always wanted to learn to have: a genuine heart. I don't know if its something you learn, or a talent of yours, or a skill I can never recreate. But you have it, please treasure it.

You are bound for greatness. I know you have self esteem issues, but knowing you and seeing how you have changed over the last year. I know you will learn to love yourself as much as I love you.

Thank you for everything.

Love,
Your Bex

Coffee Shop Romance

At work I wrote this on a bunch of sticky notes backwards. So I wrote the ending line first, then the line before that, and so forth. It was kinda cool how it came together. Hope you like it. It came out much more depressing then I meant it >_<

Coffee Shop Romance

As I began crying he asked,
"what did I do?"
"Oh sorry its not you.
Just need to get away for a while."
As he was hypnotized by my smile,
He asked, "Well what'll you order?"
"Just a cup of coffee will do me over."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Trusting a man I never knew.

Seasons came and seasons left,
But I sure will never forget,
The way he loved that gift I gave.
Although I never knew his name,
I simply wrote "From me to you."
"It's my only gift this year, to tell you the truth.
I'll use this mug and think of you."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Being a friend, of a man, I never knew.

"Thank you Good Ole Reliable."
He laughed, said, "Thought you should know,
I won't be around for a while."
As I heard myself say, "Don't go."
He reassured, "I'll be back for your smile."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Missing a man I never knew.

Days, weeks, months drove by fast.
Decided I should stop by and ask.
"Sorry m'am you didn't hear that he passed?"
As tears swelled the man said "wait-
He left a gift for the girl with the beautiful face."
And there it was, as it read.
"Here's my mug from me to you,
And no tears shall be shed."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
In love with a man I never knew.

Missing the lover I never had.

(Real) Wheel Questions

http://www.wheelquestions.org/


If you have not heard about wheel questions yet, well here it is. Johnny started this project a little while back because he wanted to change up his life. This is one of these most inspiring things for me especially, because I have always been the go to girl. Now he has people he has never met, trusting in him that he knows the answers.

Trust. Wow. I don't even have that with all my friends.

I went on the website to see if he answered my questions yet (which he hasn't, grumble grumble) and you see pages upon pages of questions. ALL answered by him. And a noticed a trend in questions.

Love. Everyone is so concerned whether they are enough, or that their partner is enough, or that it will last. People have a need to know whether its a waste of time or not. But seriously? That can be said for anything we do. We are so scared by heartbreak that we need a stranger to give us that extra nudge.

I'm not saying its a bad thing. Maybe we need the extra nudge, of someone we can convince knows us better then our own friends. Sort of the same reason why we have religions, and gods/goddesses to turn to. We need to believe that we are not alone. That there is at least one person out there in this universe, who can meet us eye to eye, and say yes, I see your soul. We all need that stranger in our lives. And sometimes, we need to be that stranger too. A friends mother once told me, "Never forget you are being watched. Sometimes you are the only God people will encounter on this Earth."

Thank you Johnny!

Wheel Questioner: What is the purpose of Life?
Johnny: You Get to choose! How do you want to live? How do you want to change the world?

Single Life (making real memories)

So I feel terrible. I broke up with Aaron the day before my birthday. He was throwing me a surprise birthday party...

My life has been guy after girl after guy and I really can't make my dating life my milestones anymore.

If I can find a way to make the milestones all the laughs I have, all the friends I make, all the love I carry, I'd be a happier person. We must avoid making the milestones the breakups, the heartaches, the hours of work. Taking a step back and going goddamn, look where I am. And hopefully with a smile on my face.

Jean and I this entire year have hung out nearly everyday. Our topics? Our dream weddings, our dream apartment, our dream kitchen, our dream family, our dream lives. Its one thing to dream. Its also another thing when your dreaming becomes your life. I'm not saying we shouldn't dream, but don't let it rule you. When those days come when we find husbands and have children, have those dream apartments and kitchens, we'll come back and say you know what? I wish I was a teenager again. Make the memories, don't wait for them.

But seriously, I'm going to enjoy this single life. I want to make friends, have coffee, meet new people. I won't date everyone I lay eyes on.

So, who wants to grab a coffee with me? =)

Flower Giving

I have always wondered why we give flowers as gifts.  They sort of just die eventually.  Yes they are pretty, but many of us have allergies too.  I just literally typed into the google search bar, "Why give flowers?"  And what popped up, as I suspected, was propaganda and ads for flower shops in the area.  It has become such a commonality in our lives that no one has actually stepped back and asked how flowers are a conventional and likable gift.

I wonder because the first time I have been given flowers as gifts were this year, it happened a couple of times actually.  Yeah, I liked them.  It was so sweet that someone went out, picked out flowers, and took care of them long enough to give them to me.

I bring this up because I had no idea what to do with flowers that were given to me.  They are pretty.  That is so nice.  I now have flowers polluting my house are just dying over time.  They were used for one reason- to put a smile on my face.  Now that their job is over, they no longer have a job.

That is a lie though.  We are taught that we should always be giving.  What if our entire lives were to reach one goal?  Or to make someone smile once?  It'd be pretty pointless.  We must keep making others smile, we must keep giving.

What I did with those flowers was give them away.  I removed what was close to dying, and gave away the flowers to make someone else smile, and I asked them to do the same thing.  From one boutique of flowers, we made 5 people smile, not just one.  I invite you to keep giving flowers whenever they are given to you- there is no specific occasion necessary!

Been Gone for So Long

Sorry for being out of touch with the world!  I had a dance performance, got a boyfriend, went to prom, graduated, had my candidate Katie be confirmed, this that and the other thing.  I have over 200 new photos on facebook from the last 2 weeks!

So I thought I'd post something sort of awesome.

Article on our graduation, and Aaron and I making the picture for it!

I know I know you're all jealous.

And ANOTHER New Song

I realized I haven't actually posted this yet when I meant to.  This is one of my best I think.

Unscripted Me

House lights dim down,
red curtain rises,
audience ready for new surprises.
What story shall we tell tonight?
An abstract Samson and Delilah,
the original Romeo and Juliet.
The story we choose,
the one we create,
will come to life when our gaze meets.

CHORUS:
When the curtain comes down,
will you still call me yours?
Will you turn and go home,
as if we're not one anymore?
I ain't no temptress in a ball gown,
or a juliet on a balcony steep,
I ain't no actress nor a tease,
when I say I love you,
I'm unscripted me.

From a choreographed dance of 50,
to a tea time for 3,
my make up slowly fades,
from the gaze of 1050.
But its the fire in your eyes,
that causes my passion to rise,
as you lean in for the kiss every night,
sweeping the audience off their feet,
I find it difficult to feel
the ground beneath me.
Walking on air was never my specialty.

CHORUS

Lovers who separate on chance,
or lovers who meet on glance.
To my slippers of glass,
to your upright class.
What story shall we tell tonight?
Shall we make the audience cry,
or shall we cause them fright?
The standing ovations,
are just the distractions,
to my true obligations.

CHORUS

I ain't no actress nor a tease.
When I say I love you,
when I say I love you,
I'm simply,

unscripted me.