Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Bitter Taste

Once upon a time there was a blogpost here. A very angry one. It caused a lot of miscommuncation and bitterness. I really felt the so called "Bitter Taste."

Now miscommunications have been communicated. I would've deleted this earlier but I was afraid it would cause more miscommunications... but now its settled. So there is no reason to leave it up.

Its time to move on.

Starting now.

Crayola Blue

I wrote this while getting a burger in Davis... enjoy!

Crayola Blue

If you asked me my first memory,
I'd lie to your face.
I'd say it was my mother,
teaching me to wait.
But I learned on my own,
I learned it from you.
You are my first memory,
across the sandbox,
with your eyes so blue.

I'll meet you at the swingset,
and we'll push one another.
We'll swing so high,
we'll fly to each other.
I'll meet you in the slide,
play by nobodies rules.
We'll play tag,
with only us two.
I'll be in playground,
waiting for you.

I remember, back in preschool,
you were the nicest boy I knew.
When you shared with me your crayons,
and you whined and cried,
cuz I never gave back that blue.
No matter how hard I tried,
they were never as blue as yours.


In our rambunkious years,
sneaking out in the night.
the moon smiling down,
as we admitted our love in the twilight.
Your jawline showing signs of manhood.
My curves showing signs of womanhood.
holding each others hands to adulthood.


My baby is beautiful,
I wish you'd stop by.
He has blue eyes like yours,
named him after a childhood sweetheart of mine.
This world is so scary,
so big and scary without you.
Without you.
Can we please, please go back to...

Meeting by the swingset,
pushing one another.
Swinging so high,
flying to each other.
Our secret hideout in the slide,
when I could call you mine.
Yeah call you mine.
I'll be in the playground waiting for you.
Waiting for you.
In the playground, waiting for you.

Long Awaited Rant

And it has to wait even longer.

I need it so bad.

But I won't have time to until I get home from work.

At 10.

God help me.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Not Ready

I am giving into love, I am refusing to give in to fear.

I don't know if Esther was quoting a RENT song, or just speaking her mind par usual, but that really hit me hard. I can't explain why. I feel my heart beating louder then ever, maybe afraid of knowing that one day it will stop.

I am loving in fear. I know that. I love Adam, and I am waiting, but I'm also scared that maybe he isn't the one for me, or I'm not the one for him. I'm not ready to shut down my options. I'm not ready for happily ever after. After is a key word there- it must come after a long fought battle. After scrubbing floors for years under your evil stepmother, after hiding a secret of being someone your not for a night, after finding your true love and having to let them go, to let them seek you out and whisk you away.

I know life isn't a fairy tale, but I still have too many stars to make wishes on before I make my happily ever after. And sometimes, stars are not made to be held, just to be looked at. How do I know which one I should be reaching for? And which one I should be admiring from afar?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Latin- A New View of Life

In highschool I took 3 years of latin in 2 years. Freshman year: Latin 1. Sophomore year: Latin 2 & 3 HN. I wasn't studying enough as it is, and I only took it because friends suggested I should. I wanted to learn something I could speak though. And not Spanish because I took that in middle school. I was French and had French relatives. So Junior and Senior year I took French 1 & 2 HN.

I hated it. I always found myself asking- what are the english words derived from French? Yeah French is cool and all, but how does it relate back to the language I speak now. My entire French class spent 20 min talking about whether I should, in college, continue with French or go back to Latin. It ended with going back to Latin. Now for my fall semester I will be taking Intermediate Latin- which means I have been studying like mad so I won't die in this class.

As I spent my night sipping coffee, highlighting text, and typing up notes, I rediscovered the verb "to love." The dictionary entry is amo, amare, amavi, amatum. In english that translates to: I love, to love, I loved, I will love.

The word that sticks out the most is "amavi." Pronounced Ah-Mah-Wee. It is the past tense of I love. It is one completed action in time. A language so ancient that it is declared dead, has the simplist explanation as to why we have heartbreak, or why we end up leaving in the end- because it is no longer a constant feeling.

"Why did you date him?"
"Amavi. I loved."

How simpler of an explanation do we need?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Natural High

When I was little, I did sports. I played Baseball for 3 years, Soccer for 2 years, Football for a year, Karate for 3 years, and Gymnastics on and off for 5 years. I was an athletic child! When I hit highschool though, I dropped it all to do theater. Not only was I no longer growing, I was no longer getting my exercise. I gained 40 pounds- 10 pounds a year. Some say I don't look 160 pounds, probably because of the muscle mass from working out over summers, and at tech and such. I hit a point this year where I stopped caring about my appearance, I know people will love me anyways.

This summer I became lazy, eating junk, doing nothing. Jean and I attempted running in the past, but we always had something to do or never had the nerve to do it. I can't fit into any of my summer clothes without sucking it in, Jean threw out a bunch of clothes that no longer fit her. Timmy and I last Sunday said "Lets get junk food!" And walked to Davis to go to the local CVS. It was embarrassing how tiring that was for us, to walk to Davis and back.

"It ends now."

At work the next day I text Jean. Making clear that we are running, tonight. No choices. I got my gear and ran to her place. We took the bike path from her house through Davis up towards Somerville. I remember she said she had to stop at the "Fiesta Pole" but I kept saying "No- Crosswalk!" Which was a bit farther down. She ended up stopping a bit past the Fiesta Pole, but I made it all the way. And stopped, ready to fall over.

In my Exercise Physiology class we talked a lot about "hitting the wall." I have never experienced this, but I am told that you must hit the wall, rest, and then continue onward in order to get better and to challenge yourself.

I could tell my eyes were dilating, trying to focus on everything around me at once. My water bottle felt like a 20 pound weight. On my back it felt like my rib cage was collapsing inward. I could feel all the muscles in my legs contracting, as if for dear life. My lungs weren't pumping fast enough, so it felt like I was at a stand still. I could feel my heart throbbing in my ears. But my favorite difference- the smile that crept over my face as I looked back at Jean.

I hit the wall.

I have been running everyday this week, and my legs are terribly sore. But that won't stop me! I even ran in the rain last Tuesday! Amazing experience!

What have you done lately?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Top of the World - Dixie Chicks

I absolutely love this song. Everytime I listen to it I get chills. The first time I heard it was when my grandmother and I were taking a roadtrip to Minnesota to my camp, but I thought nothing of it at the time. The second time I heard it was when I decided to help out the Dance Company with teching their show. I was backstage at the time taping schedules up to the wall when I hear this song come on. Oh thats cool, I recognize it, no biggie. Then I heard "Think I broke the wings off that little songbird, she's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now." How powerful of a line. I can't even explain it. I remember whipping around and watching the dance as it finished. The second time I saw it I bawled, it was moving to watch as a dixie chicks fan and with everything else in my life going on.

My other favorite line is "There's a whole lot of singin' thats never gonna be heard." It's so true. There is so much in this world, so much wisdom that we will never know about either personally, or in speaking for the world. There could be people in 3rd world countries that could know the meaning of life, and we will never know.

This song is beautifully crafted, I suggest looking it up.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I Admire You (And Will Miss You)

Dearest Esther,

You are one of my role models. I mean that. I remember the first time I met you, it was when I was starting to be less shy and more open. I was learning to make the first move when it came to talking and friendships. You taught me that it was ok to start the conversations. And I'm glad I did with you.

You saved me on numerous occasions, where I'd know no one but you. And you would be just as happy to see me. Our friendship is both giving and receiving, something seldom found in high school. And even so, I have only known you two years! And I haven't hung out with you much outside of school either, only on occasion. But the times that we did? You were always grateful for the times we were together. Its something that more friendships should have. Being grateful for the times shared.

You have also given me the confidence that the advice I give and the "deep profoundess" I express is worth it. You have always wanted to listen and have helped pushed me to not be afraid to tell the world. You have this natural gift of acceptance.

When you gave me the 4 page letter at graduation, I was really nervous. I was scared what would happen next year when I was gone, whether you would be able to grow as a person. But now seeing your blog, my goodness you are far better then our entire school. You know who you are, you are not afraid to be engaged in others lives, you are lovely in your own unique way that is just captivating to me.

Some people don't like that about you, I'll admit that. I have friends who have literally asked, "Ew why do you like her?" And I said no no please, give her a chance. She has so much to say, actually listen. Listen and learn from this girl. She has a genuine heart. Something I have always wanted to learn to have: a genuine heart. I don't know if its something you learn, or a talent of yours, or a skill I can never recreate. But you have it, please treasure it.

You are bound for greatness. I know you have self esteem issues, but knowing you and seeing how you have changed over the last year. I know you will learn to love yourself as much as I love you.

Thank you for everything.

Your Bex

Coffee Shop Romance

At work I wrote this on a bunch of sticky notes backwards. So I wrote the ending line first, then the line before that, and so forth. It was kinda cool how it came together. Hope you like it. It came out much more depressing then I meant it >_<

Coffee Shop Romance

As I began crying he asked,
"what did I do?"
"Oh sorry its not you.
Just need to get away for a while."
As he was hypnotized by my smile,
He asked, "Well what'll you order?"
"Just a cup of coffee will do me over."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Trusting a man I never knew.

Seasons came and seasons left,
But I sure will never forget,
The way he loved that gift I gave.
Although I never knew his name,
I simply wrote "From me to you."
"It's my only gift this year, to tell you the truth.
I'll use this mug and think of you."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Being a friend, of a man, I never knew.

"Thank you Good Ole Reliable."
He laughed, said, "Thought you should know,
I won't be around for a while."
As I heard myself say, "Don't go."
He reassured, "I'll be back for your smile."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Missing a man I never knew.

Days, weeks, months drove by fast.
Decided I should stop by and ask.
"Sorry m'am you didn't hear that he passed?"
As tears swelled the man said "wait-
He left a gift for the girl with the beautiful face."
And there it was, as it read.
"Here's my mug from me to you,
And no tears shall be shed."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
In love with a man I never knew.

Missing the lover I never had.

(Real) Wheel Questions


If you have not heard about wheel questions yet, well here it is. Johnny started this project a little while back because he wanted to change up his life. This is one of these most inspiring things for me especially, because I have always been the go to girl. Now he has people he has never met, trusting in him that he knows the answers.

Trust. Wow. I don't even have that with all my friends.

I went on the website to see if he answered my questions yet (which he hasn't, grumble grumble) and you see pages upon pages of questions. ALL answered by him. And a noticed a trend in questions.

Love. Everyone is so concerned whether they are enough, or that their partner is enough, or that it will last. People have a need to know whether its a waste of time or not. But seriously? That can be said for anything we do. We are so scared by heartbreak that we need a stranger to give us that extra nudge.

I'm not saying its a bad thing. Maybe we need the extra nudge, of someone we can convince knows us better then our own friends. Sort of the same reason why we have religions, and gods/goddesses to turn to. We need to believe that we are not alone. That there is at least one person out there in this universe, who can meet us eye to eye, and say yes, I see your soul. We all need that stranger in our lives. And sometimes, we need to be that stranger too. A friends mother once told me, "Never forget you are being watched. Sometimes you are the only God people will encounter on this Earth."

Thank you Johnny!

Wheel Questioner: What is the purpose of Life?
Johnny: You Get to choose! How do you want to live? How do you want to change the world?

Single Life (making real memories)

So I feel terrible. I broke up with Aaron the day before my birthday. He was throwing me a surprise birthday party...

My life has been guy after girl after guy and I really can't make my dating life my milestones anymore.

If I can find a way to make the milestones all the laughs I have, all the friends I make, all the love I carry, I'd be a happier person. We must avoid making the milestones the breakups, the heartaches, the hours of work. Taking a step back and going goddamn, look where I am. And hopefully with a smile on my face.

Jean and I this entire year have hung out nearly everyday. Our topics? Our dream weddings, our dream apartment, our dream kitchen, our dream family, our dream lives. Its one thing to dream. Its also another thing when your dreaming becomes your life. I'm not saying we shouldn't dream, but don't let it rule you. When those days come when we find husbands and have children, have those dream apartments and kitchens, we'll come back and say you know what? I wish I was a teenager again. Make the memories, don't wait for them.

But seriously, I'm going to enjoy this single life. I want to make friends, have coffee, meet new people. I won't date everyone I lay eyes on.

So, who wants to grab a coffee with me? =)