Friday, January 30, 2009

Repetitive Days...

I'm stuck in the lab again pretending to work. We have a sub which is all good I guess. I also forgot my phone this morning, and need to get to a Doctor's App... somewhere in MGH area. So if I'm not around all day/night? I'm wandering the streets of Boston. Just FYI. I'll probably head home first, right afterschool to grab my phone. But the more I think about it, the less of a good idea it becomes.

Virginia keeps suggesting I apply for a job at Goodwill in Davis. So I'll probably do that, organizing all the junk in the back. They say they really need staff for weekends. Thats extremely convenient because I can work the most on weekends and I can walk there from my house. I hope to grab that app sometime in my near future. It's difficult because whenever I have time to, its most likely closed. They close early, 6pm on weekdays, 7pm on weekends. Probaby so they can organize all the junk in the back for the next day.

I miss earning money, it was so relaxing to have a place to be other than school or home. I also owe money to peeps, so I need to get that down ASAP. ($608 doesn't just disappear off your name so easily.)

It's interesting how my life is run solely on school at the moment. Before, my life was "Homework time before 2nd period, homework time before 3rd period, FOOD/more homework time, APUSH, theater theater theater theater sleep, maybe food." That was an example of my day basically. Now my life is "Coffee, notes, homeroom/homework, chill, chill, food, dance, home, sleep, wake up, eat, sleep." Do you know how much I miss my old schedule? My life is so dull, theres nothing going on anymore. I want more excitement =/

Day Dreaming My Life Away

I usually nap when I get home, its always been my sleeping pattern.  Come home, sleep, get up and do stuff, sleep again.  Thats what happened today.  I came home, went to bed at 4, woke up at 10, and will probably go back to sleep after this post.  Yesterday was a disaster plan.  I decided to try and nap at roughly 6pm.  I never slept.  I instead rolled around day dreaming.

All I could think about was how my Valentines Day is going to be so hard for me to cope with.  Valentine's Day has always been one of my favorite holidays, and even though I never had a Valentine, I always found the best in it.  It's even my confirmation name.

The problem is that I am madly in love with someone, in California.  He is 3,000 miles away.  For the first time I have a lover I want to spend my V Day with, and I physically can't.

I spent that whole time in bed dreaming up vivid possibilities (that are actually theoretically impossible) of how I can go to California some how, some way, to spend V Day with Adam.  My thoughts then streamed into how Adam can come here, or how he will surprise me on my door step.  I know this won't happen.  Yet my mind continued to torture me with the "What if."

I only laid down for an hour, because I felt sick.  I was so frustrated and anxious to just come back to reality, I wanted to scream.  I texted Adam on and off, and he said "Watch the mailbox, both digital and literal."  I wish I could appreciate that more.  I wasn't happy, just disappointed.  And I shouldn't be.  It is so sweet that he is thinking of me for V Day.  But I much rather watch the door than the mailbox.

When talking to Adam later that night/morning (we hung up at around 2:30AM) I told him my dreams in detail, all the way up to "watching the door."  After much silence, he spoke hesitantly, "Did I tell you how I tried to work out a plan, to surprise you on Valentine's Day?"

Not at all.  He never mentioned an idea like this once.  He continued to tell me how for the past month he was doing all the money calculations, and conversing with Jean, and looking at his school syllabuses and looking at his own schedule to come up with a plan to be here on V Day.  The only problem?  He doesn't have the money to do it.

I feel terrible for saying/thinking this.  "Why don't you borrow it from a friend or family member?  They know you will have a job soon."  This is EXACTLY why I am in debt in the first place.  Reid was so kind to let me borrow money from him, and he knew I had a job so it wouldn't be long to pay him back.  Now I am jobless and in debt to him.

I understand I am setting myself up for disappointment.  But I can either fight my day dreaming, or just go along with it.

I will be watching the door this Valentine's Day.!

Hey so I recently signed up for, which is close to Facebook in format.  What you do is you fill out your profile as much as you can, and colleges then review your profiles.  Also with your profile, the website decides whether you qualify for:
Sweet-diggity-dawg Scholarship ~ $20,000
Ammunition for Tuition Scholarship ~ $25,000
2010 Scholarship ~ $2,000
2011 Scholarship ~ $2,000

And other great scholarships through colleges.

I ask you to sign up because:
1) This is a brilliant site.
2) Scholarship Opportunities.
3) Colleges get a chance to look at what you have to say more than what you have done.
4) I recieve MONEY for every time someone signs up and fills out a profile more than 30%.

PLEASE anyone join this site, I need the money as many of you know.  Also, its a great site!

^^I receive money if you use that link.^^

Thanks!  I hope you take up the opportunity to do this!  I highly suggest you do this if you are also a junior in highschool, but seniors is good too.

PS It's a great procrastination tool.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

High School Drawback

I am getting the worst case of senioritis. I have yet to do one piece of homework at home, and I have perfect 100s in all my classes up to date. This saddens me quite honestly.

Right now I am supposed to be studying about African Sleeping Sickness. Something I have never heard of. For a project that is due next Thursday. I currently have Wikipedia open behind this window. We have all the class time to research, for the next week. This project, reminds me of freshman year. This is supposed to be a hard class. What bullshit. The teacher treats us like children, and doesn't challenge us. We give her obvious hints that we are not learning anything, that we are not being challenged, and she completely misses it. If she tried to motivate me then I might be more excited.

I also have to take French 2, which is mostly sophomores and freshmen. I do the homework right before class, it is so easy. The phrase "bored to tears" has never been more exact in describing my feelings towards this class. For the freshman and sophomores, its probably difficult. I really don't know. But for my level of understanding, its boring as all hell.

Its difficult to concentrate, but Adv. Dance & Choreography is hard to keep focus in. It's extremely fun and relaxing to get my creativity out, but I'm also impatient because I have dance ideas I want to start!! It's also difficult for me to grasp that this is a class I will be graded for because she treats it like an extracurricular activity.

The only class I have taken seriously thus far, is Exercise Physiology. Want to know why? Ms. Augustine treats us like adults. And I'm glad. I am actually learning something in her class, although the textbook is written for juniors and seniors in college. She is the only teacher preparing me for college at this point, and I'm glad I have a teacher like her at this point in my life. She motivates us to read the text, and to take notes, at our own will. But her grading system is very heavy on the tests, so we must participate so when we study we aren't hurting ourselves more than we need to.

I wish we had more teachers that treated us like adults. Some teachers try and keep us as kids, because they feel we "aren't ready to grow up yet." (Ms. Miceli.) Some teachers treat us like kids because sometimes we act like some. What they don't understand is we will not be adults until you treat us as adults. Tell us what you expect from us not as students, but as students who will enter the real world momentarily. I see my teachers more than anyone else in my life some weeks, they are my example. Please please please, treat us as adults, and we might just be closer to being prepared, than our senioritis would allow us.

On a side note, we should of had school off yesterday. I have never walked through worst weather in my life. My boots are broken, the bottom of one just sort of fell off. And so I was up to my ankles in freezing water, in my own boots. I lost feeling in them to a point where I couldn't walk, as I was also trying to balance on ice, while fighting wind, and rain, and hail, and snow. It was a shit day. We also should have had school off today because the ice was terrifying. My mom offered me a ride today, and she never offers me a ride ever. So my highschool sucks. End.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Couple of the Year Award

If anyone goes to CRLS, I think we can all agree that Sydney Blaxill and Paris Ellsworth make the most adorable couple ever. Seeing them together makes girls cringe in jealousy, and guys look away in shame. Everyone dreams of this type of relationship at an early age. They have been dating for only... 2 months now? Maybe 3? They are not only adorable, but they are both extremely talented, extremely gorgeous, and extremely loving people. They are the teenagers that go about life problemless (in your mind anyway.) I'm sure they do have problems, but this isn't what I'm writing about.

As I have said the last two blog posts, I am spending my time in In House Suspension. It just so happens that Paris is spending it with me. After lunch, Sydney snuck in to give Paris homework. I also feel guilty for staring, because they always are so happy to see each other. You know how couples glow? In each others' presence? Thats them in a nutshell. So Sydney recites the homework, never leaving Paris' gaze, and then switches into Paris' needs. "Can I grab you anything? I feel bad that you're here... I have free time. Honestly, I'll get you something." Paris of course, was doing the humble "No, thanks" answer. Eventually Sydney leaves, with no response from Paris.

She later comes by, hanging out the hallway waiting for Paris to turn around. She had went and got Paris a large chocolate chip cookie, and an expensive one at that. It was the sweetest thing honestly. Everyone in this room was definitely jealous. I know I was.

This reminds me of another time these two had an adorable incident. When the Dance Works performance had ended, and all the dancers were changing and trickling upstairs to mingle with their audience. I found Sydney to tell her about her exquisite dance skills (which she does have!!!) and she appeared quite distant. I didn't realize I was keeping her from finding Paris. Feeling kind of bad I kept a look out, but he found her first. He came from behind and said "Theres my star." It sounds so so so cheesy in text, and probably would too if I recited the story to you. But because of how happy he was, and how serious he meant it, not hint of disbelief or doubt in his voice, it was heart warming. I felt loved. I could feel it off of them. As they beamed as usual. Of course, this was the first time I saw them kiss... and I felt like a little girl again, waiting for my dreams to come true.

And also, just now, I realized Paris is still wearing his necklace that Sydney gave him. Its a shell on a string. Kind of a reminder to him of the musical and of Sydney... thats cute =)

So even though we are only in January, they win the Couple of the Year Award in my book. Couples like them make me overly jealous, and faithful in love. =D

Faith Destroying Teachers

What. The Fuck. I was sitting here about to do a different blog post, but thought I'd post that later because it can wait. As I was sitting here on the computer typing away, trying to entertain myself, this teacher walked in to give a quiz to Rebecca.

Rebecca, is a patient, sweet student. She can be a bitch if she needs to be, but very understanding of everyone, and she would be the last person to talk trash.

Rebecca is asking the teacher for help, and it caught my attention when the teacher blatently turned away, giving Rebecca the silent treatment.

"Wait... how do I find (blank) if it doesn't tell me (blank)?" The teacher rudely turned around and said "Well, why don't you wait and look at the directions." This blog cannot convey how spiteful that response was. Everyone turned around. To see how Rebecca would respond. She was caught of guard, as anyone would, and was ready to fight back. Instead, she took a breath, and read the instructions. As she did the teacher was reciting the instructions as if Rebecca couldn't read. When Rebecca looked up, she was confused, but went back in to read it again.

This teacher is nuts. As Rebecca was rereading, the teacher started shaking her head and said "You're stupid. If you can't get it by now you are damn stupid. What are you going to do in college? You ain't gonna get any help. Just stupid."

We all were ready to rash her. I was ready to rash her.

She better get out of my school, because there is no room for that sort of disrespect from authority. Not on my watch, bitch.

In-House Suspension


I'm here at the computer right now, and I am the only senior in the room. So Filo has respect for me to some degree. I guess this helps because I can now work on scholarships for this week instead of stressing over the homework. Or I can still procrastinate by writing in this blog.


In other news I'm wicked excited for Valentine's Day because I know what I'm doing for Jean... even though she is busy doing stuff for Cody. I got her a card and plan to steal more Dove chocolates, stick it in a vase with a single rose! It's gonna be brilliant I tell ya. I kind of wish someone would do something mildly romantic for me one day. But that's okay, I got time.

This is rather difficult to write because Filo keeps standing over my shoulder, so I'll finish this up later. Bring on the scholarships!

Why so much hate?  This, is gonna happen at my school.

I don't understand.  Why would a church of God, of trying to love like Jesus, be so full of hate?  God made all of us.  You are hating God's creations too.  I took the liberty to look up the text from Romans, Chapter One.  It is what's used as reference in the Bible as to why "God hates fags."

"Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.  They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator- who is forever praised. Amen.  Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts.  Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.  In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another.  Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the dull penalty for their perversion."  (Romans 1: 24-27)

Lines 24 and 25 are centering at how a group of people forgot God.  Forgot to praise him, and love him as the Creator, and took life for granted.  Forgetting that in exchange for their gifts, they must reproduce.  God allowed them to follow their "evil" selves, by following their lusts.  That.  Is the sin.  The sin with being Gay is that it is "only lust."  This is the problem.  What if you were madly in love with someone of the same sex?   Personally, that is not a sin, because you are taking a hold of the love granted to us by God.  The Bible always uses extreme circumstances to make a point.  Always, in order to prove a moral.  In order to provide a true example of lust and forgetfulness of mankind when dealing with reproduction, homosexuality proved to be the best example.

Who is to say you cannot praise God and be in love with someone who is of the same sex?  Again.  Forgetting to praise God for everything is the number one sin.

"Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."  (Romans 1:32)

This is by no means a relation to homosexuality.  This is in relation to rejecting God.  You can reject God by taking him/her/it for granted, and for following only after lust.  This group of people that are homosexual, in the Bible, were considered every disgusting thing imaginable, for disregarding God.  This does not make them evil, vicious, or cruel.  This is a group of people whom are homosexual to prove a point: life isn't about lust, its about love.  Homosexuality, does not change that.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

For You Aaron

I typed "Funny Cat Picture" into google.  This is my result.  This is for you Aaron.


I have FIVE scholarships I need to apply for and complete in the next week.  Only two of them are not essays.  So frankly, I have 3 essays to write.  I must research on them intensely, because they are all subjects in need of research (Middle East Civil Rights, Peace in Humanity, Bible in America...)  The other two are pretty easy peasy.  First one just being a simple application for Wal-Mart's scholarships.  The second one is either a video, picture, or blog post of what life will be like 4 years from now as Obama being our president.  That's my fave scholarship =)

Sadly, this week I must also be applying for a job, ANY job, around Cambridge so I can pay off college.

But seriously, if you don't see me for a week, this is why.

I also broke my glasses =(

Universe Hates Me

This week has been wicked hard to get through.  We started new classes, and they are utterly painful.  Mostly because I don't have Jean in any of my classes.

The other day I waited for her for 3 hours in Starbucks.  Knowing that if I left, she'd show up right after, so I just waited.  She had to do costumes, so I gave her time.  I promised her I'd wait.  During that time I did get some homework done and had gotten to know Aaron better.  Anyways, now at 6PM she comes and saves me from Starbucks, where I had been since 2:30, and we walked.  We made it 2 blocks before we ran into Ayo, Quinn, and Meghan (?).  Ayo automatically drifted to Lydia, Jean automatically drifted to Quinn and Meghan.  I had no one to talk with.  Yet, no one gave a shit.  I tried joining in Lydz and Ayo's conversation- Lydz talked over me.  I then drifted to Jean and Quinn's conversation- Quinn talked over me.  They were discussing about Monica, and I tried so hard to be a part of this theater discussion, and I failed quite miserably.  It was as if I wasn't allowed to be a part of anything theatrical.  Fine.  As I walked ahead I was frustrated and ashamed for 3 reasons: 1) I have become socially dependent on Jean.  2) I was turned down by my best friend for a boy, although I waited 3 hours.  3) Once you are not a part of theater, you can not be a part of the group.

So the next day I tried to reenter myself into Tech.  I decided that I might be a happier person if I do tech again, even though I am slightly conforming.  Everyone told me I would be able to travel when doing tech again, which is quite the booster.  Virginia said they would make sure I travel.  Joanne broke that optimism though, when she indirectly told me I wouldn't be able to travel.  I found myself crying in the bathroom over my stupidity, I felt so stupid to think I could just reenter myself into theater.  I found myself screaming at Jean about how I don't want to be used and abused anymore, that if I DO something, I get SOMETHING in return.  Tech, would not give me what I wanted in return.  I also screamed about how I don't want to be a part of the stupid theater group and they could all go to hell, or some bullshit.  I don't really remember.

So I'm back to searching for a job, because I am poor and owe $608 to people, and have to deal with college.  But the bright side is I got a $34,000 scholarship, and it will be paid $8,500 a year.  Also if I visit the campus, they will reimburse me for $200 of it.  That's something right?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Make the Snow Go Away!

I am so. sick. of. this. snow.  We have so much of it its ridiculous.  I never considered it, but in the movies you always see snow falling, or kids playing and laughing in it, or some heaps of it.  Lemme tell you, if you do not know, its a bitch.  Snow is a down right bitch after it falls.  YES you can go sledding and have snow ball fights and woo.  But its also a hassle to shovel, and keep off the sidewalks.  It ices over, turns brown and disgusting, and if not careful, can very easily cause you injury.  Or wet socks.  PLEASE someone make it all go away.  I'm tired of seeing snow on the sides of the sidewalks half my height!!!

Past that.  I am not heading to school because I have a Dentist Appointment.  Yay fillings.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Landmark Day

Today, is the first day of my last semester as a highschool student.  My last semester at CRLS.  My last semester before my education is no longer free.  It will be my last, first highschool day.  My classes are by no means senior slacker classes, which scares me because I already have senioritis!!!!  But thats okay.  I'll live it out.  My classes for this semester are:

HN Exercise Physiology - runs close to my major (Physical Therapy), wouldn't switch out for the WORLD.
HN French 2 - I hope to continue French in college, although I took French a year ago...
Epidemiology - I've been dying to take this class freshman year, but its realllly heavy duty stuff, I might switch out, but I have nothing to switch into either.  So we'll see.
HN Adv. Dance Technique & Choreography - I can finally learn how to create my own dances and perform it in front of people =)  Something I have been dying to do for a while.

Also today, Obama is now officially our president.

We had been told, in 3rd period, to leave and return to our homerooms.  My homeroom's TV couldn't work, so we joined up in Ms. Mili's room, with two other homeroom classes.  We gathered around the shit TV, that we had to use an antennae for.  It kept going fuzzy and going in and out from black & white to color.  But we saw it.  And we did it.

Never have I felt more confident in where I am going, thanks to Obama, and thanks to my school.  I'm ready.

"We are willing to give you a hand, if you are willing to unclench your fist."

Monday, January 19, 2009

Once Upon a Time (Poem)

I wrote this after my long plane ride back from Sonoma, CA visiting Adam.  It is short, and was never really completed persay.  But I like it just as much.

Once Upon a Time

Walking hand in hand, putting present realities aside.
The warmth of the sun is welcomed, as the chill wind subsides.
The steps flow in a harmonious manner,
dancing to the rhythm of their heartbeats.
The bob in his step, the sway in her stride,
the sparkle in their eyes suddenly meet.
He breathes in as she breathes out, the fresh air so damp,
This is the story of two silly kids,
once upon a time at camp.

Human (Poem)

I wrote this a while back in a rush.  But I really enjoyed it.


It's the only weapon,
that allows those to cry in peace,
bleed at ease,
harm yet please.

Causes the wrathful to weep,
the dead to breathe,
the restful to sleep.

Brings joy to the dying,
laughter to the crying,
truth to the lying.

Brings miracles to the faithless,
resentment to the faithful,
answers to the confused.

Causes the blind to see,
the deaf to hear,
the lame to dance,
the child to mature,
the elder to reflect,
the dictator to regret.

Music is what allows the man to be human.

Words of Wisdom

I wrote this on a Facebook Note early yesterday, and felt it would be best to transfer it here.

To anyone who decides to read this long note, (I apologize if this is hard to read, I had only one hour of sleep and should be sleeping right now),

I have just spent my weekend at a Unitary Universalist Social Action Conference, aka a UU SAC Con.  This is only my second Con, but my first real heavy duty Con.  I have learned a lot and found a lot of answers to my questions that I have been needing for some time.  But I could write a long heart wrenching note about this weekend, and that is not why I am writing this.

I am writing this because I had overheard something that I want to share with all of you, something that has been implanted on my heart.  Something that hit me at the most perfect time in my life.  In order to express its perfection, I will try, in brief, to explain my situation up to date.

My life before the Con.  I owe a friend $400.  I owe my parents $180.  I owe another friend $20.  I am attending a $34,000 per year college come Fall.  I have failed a class for the first time in my life.  My college told me I did not get the large scholarship (something I have been praying for and was in serious need of), probably because of my failing class.  I have focused this semester, as well as my summer, staying up late, until sunrise sometimes, trying to help friends, family, or camp mates in need of support in some shape or form.  I told someone I preferred them dead, and I'd say it again, and I will never forgive them, and I'm afraid the higher beings will never come to forgive me for it.  I have given up theater, a large aspect of my life, to have a job, a simple job that will ease the costs and the stresses of my life.  That job was all I had.  It was my hope that maybe, just maybe, it will all be okay.

I was laid off Friday night at 5PM.  Almost immediately I called Jean, who then arranged for me to attend to Con, which I was at by 7PM.  I was shattered upon arriving, I felt the universe was playing games with me.  I felt betrayed.

At the end of the Con, never have I felt more that everything will be okay.  I had the ability to help those who had so much built up in them, they had no idea how to release it until then.  I also had been graced with the ability to cry, to just let it all out, in the arms of someone I had just met.  This, is community.

Much more obviously happened, stuff I am willing to share, and stuff I want to keep confidental, but not right now.  It's too soon.  So fast forewarding.

I was trying to finish up cleaning, so we can have our closing circle before everyone left.  I had also been in a rush, I wanted to continue writing little notes to put in people's mailbags.  So I entered the worship space to go clean out the bathroom on the opposite side of the place.  There was a minister, who was practicing his lecture, speech, sermon, whatever it may be called.  I was trying to be a ninja, do a quick dash and run.  But I stopped when he said the following: Why isn't it enough?

I felt my heart stop, and I whirled around.  I then plopped myself down in a pew, and listened to what he had to say.  The following is not word for word, but its the best to my memory.

"Why isn't it enough?  Why must we cause suffering on ourselves, to just take away the suffering of others?  How come we are not enough?  Why must 'lose ten pounds' or 'write in a journal' or 'be graduate school educated' be in our vocabulary, or our community's, or yours?  Why can't the simple talk, or the simple hug, or the simple catch throwing with dad, be enough?  Why isn't love enough?  Again.  Why, isn't love, enough?

I tell you here and now, Love. Is. Enough.  Could you imagine the world we could live in, if we were reminded that our love is enough to change the world?  Our love is enough to save lives, to comfort the stranger, to care for the sick, to raise a child.  Your love, is enough."

Once he said this, I took up the opportunity of silence to exit quietly, as to continue helping in the cleaning process.  But he was completely right.  Love isn't just a word or a feeling, its an action, a calling to do something greater than you have ever done before.

The love I have received at this Con, was enough for me to realize, that maybe, just maybe, it will all be okay.  It has revived my faith in that everything happens for a reason.  For all I know, I probably had been laid off to go to this Con.  Who knows?

Your love is enough.

Sincerely yours,

Why a blog?

I figured it was about time I composed a blog.

Lately I have been using Facebook Notes for this type of conquest.  It isn't the same though.

I have been needing a place to not really vent, but to write my experiences in a format close to an essay's I guess.  Something more than "OH ME GEE THIS WAS AMAZING LOLZ ROFL."  A lot of my experiences quite frankly, deserve more credibility than the typical teenage response.

A blog, can do just this.

I hope I can do my experiences in the past, present, and future some justice when writing here.