Thursday, August 13, 2009

College Countdown

I'm on an official countdown right now.  I love that facebook application!  For July and June I told myself to take life as it comes and even though I am juggling 2 jobs I can have a good summer too.

And I have.

Now it is August and I still have not finished packing, I need to send stuff to my roommate, I need to order my textbooks, I have to finish my resume to send to Work Study, I don't have enough money as it is so I need more hours, I have to fill out medical forms, I need to sketch out the roadtrip to plan the hotel rooms, I'm donating platelets before I go, I have to find time to buy running sneakers, I must get a haircut...  the list goes on.

Not that I don't mind.  I am overly excited for going.  To start the rest of my life.  To finally meet my roommate and make friends and sing with Lori True and take classes I'll enjoy.  The wait is killing me more.   But at the same time, I need the wait to prepare.

So now my last month here is going to be spent getting ready.  I won't have a chance to say goodbye to many whom I love and cherish because I am so busy getting ready because I put it off for 2 months already.  I'm terrible at saying goodbye.  Or admitting that I won't see anyone to anyones face in particular.

I can't make anymore promises other then- I will be back.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Good Night Moon

You know when your little- how you dream of being a fire truck driver, or a doctor, or an astronaut?

I was never one of those kids.

I guess you can call me a realist- I wanted to be a teacher.  I never looked up at the night sky whispering, "One day..."  I never cared about it.  I've read stories and talked to many who said, "It makes me feel small, and connected with the rest of the world, knowing there is so much out there."  I never had this feeling.  Wherever I was I could look up and point out 2 stars, maybe 5 if I was lucky.  It scared me, knowing that there wasn't much out there, and if anything I felt more disconnected with the world knowing I can't see the things they can.

The first time I saw the "real" Night sky was when I was on my 8th grade feel trip coming back from New York.  I looked up and couldn't count them.  I could make out the big dipper, and spy the North Star.  I was taken aback that maybe I was wrong, and I started weeping to myself as the rest of the bus slept.  I can be a part of the world.  The next times I encountered these moments was on my roadtrips to colleges, to Minnesota, to Pennsylvania, and visiting in California.  Only on a few nights.  I just remember in Ohio, seeing how the highway met the sky, and the stars were a dome surrounding it.  I have never seen it "dome" like this except in a Planetarium.  It was utterly beautiful.

I bring all this up because of when I saw the night sky driving home Wednesday night with my mom.  It was 1AM, and we just finished up work.  I'd look up and there were no stars because the moon was too bright.  But you could see every detail, every line, of the massive cloud in front of it.  I was up against the glass of the window; it looked like I was underwater looking at the waters surface.  I heard myself think,

One Day...

I prayed that I could be younger again, just so I could get the experience of dreaming big.  As if I missed out.  But really?  I haven't missed out at all.  I had a different way to find it.  I just had to catch up to it, and it had to catch up to me.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Beginning of August

I haven't sung at Mass since the last Sunday of June.  The last time I stepped into my church was when Adam was visiting for July 4th weekend.  What I love about my church is it's ability to completely engage the community into its homilies.  July 4th weekend was hard, we went to see the fireworks and walked all the way home from Boston.  Then we got up at 8 to go to 10AM mass.  We were not the only ones half awake.  But the priest went on a beautiful homily that brought us all together, a bit like MMA almost.  He said something along the lines of...

"Jesus didn't 'shed a tear', he looked down on his people and wept.  He sat down, and cried.  Cried to his father, cried for himself, his people.  He grieved for them.  Could you imagine standing there, with Jesus our savior and life, grieving for his people?  Sitting down, and weeping for the tasks to come?  We are told to remind ourselves, 'What would Jesus do?'  I want you to take a moment with Jesus, weeping beside you, and ask yourself, 'What would I do for Jesus?"

In the crowd you could hear sniffles, it was terribly moving.  But it was very intimate and reassuring that maybe sometimes, we must be the miracle.

Which brings me to today.  I went to Mass for the first time this month to sing.  It was great pieces, many of which reminded me of MMA to be honest.  I wore my MMA beads and everything.  One year ago from today, I was sitting with my MMA family singing a Japanese hymn that marked the end of my MMA era.  So that made it even harder.

This homily today, was given by a woman from our community.  I've seen her speak before, and she is just such an inspiration for us, and is a true blessing to have her here.  We celebrated the bread of life, and what that really means.  She mentioned how we find ourselves blaming God, like the Israelites.  They asked for water, and God gave them water, and then they forgot because they were so caught up in what they don't have then what they do.  They forgot the miracles.  They had to wait 40 years to find their homeland, I'm sure after 2 years being told "have faith" works a toll on the soul.  But she ended it with...

"May we try to believe in our faith.  May we try to believe in the Spirit.  May we try and believe in the Miracles."

Count the blessings.  Make the miracles the milestones in your life, not all the times where you cried out to the heavens.  Don't click your heels three times and give up, don't give your miracles a time limit.  But believe that if you keep clicking those heels, it will eventually come.

Look forward to the sunrise.