Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Senioritis is getting the best of me.  Today, to avoid not turning in a project I just slept.  A lot.  And instead went to Starbucks to read.

Today, I meant to finish that project.  I slept already, and got myself up to do the project.

I am seriously bored to tears, I am falling asleep at the computer.

I am just going to not turn it in tomorrow morning and hopefully start it early enough tomorrow and just email it to her saying my printer is broken, which is stretching the truth.

I just hope this doesn't worsen like it did in Modern World History last semester where I actually failed.

It has also come to my attention that scholarships for my school are due Wednesday at 3pm.  Well... crap on a stick.  I'm just going to go sleep and rest up for tomorrows haul.


After much inner conflict I have decided.  It's not that I am having a problem with what I want, its acquiring what I want.  One thing is clear: I want him.  Second thing I want: to not make a wrong move.  But seriously, if he wants me, if YOU want me, come get me.  I won't know unless you take initiative.

When talking to Sam I had hit another conclusion about myself.  About why I don't want to take initiative anymore.  If I ask you out, or kiss you, I don't want you to like me because you are appreciated by someone.  I want you to go out with me or kiss me because you actually want me for who I am.  Is it really too much to ask?

Jean messaged me saying she has "information."  Basically meaning, she talked to Eric.  Oh yay, moment of truth: is Becky off her rocker?

Maybe I'm just picky.  I've been hurt, I know that.  I just don't want to be hurt again.  Maybe I am just not ready.

I feel bad because I never meant to make Adam second in my life.  I don't want to waste what we have, and by no means make him second.  But at the same time I am in need of contact.  I can't have Adam right now, because he is 3000 miles away.  It makes it difficult when I need someone to hold my hand or hold me tight to take away my burdens.

But as I said, I'm right here.  Come get me if you want me.  You have 58 school days left.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Random Poem

It can drive a man insane,
dreaming of days without pain.
It's not a matter of wrong or right,
love or fight,
desire for flight.
It's a matter of an end in sight,
to dream of life,
faith in "might."
A man must follow his heart,
not his mind.
But what do you do,
when your heart can't tell time?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

What I Want

It's been a while since I last updated, but its been one hectic week.  I'm excited for vacation, that officially begins after school on Friday the 13th, irony that hits us in the face basically.  Also ironic is our school celebrating Valentine's Day on Friday the 13th, so its all sorts of funno.

For the first time, ever in the history of knowing Eric, we hung out.  We sat by the river and talked, playing a massive game of Never Have I Ever.  We also ate, and walked and hung out in the park.  It was nice, I got to see a side of Eric that I felt I have missed before.  Mostly because I never took the time out of my schedule to care.  It was nice to get some closure on many curious topics, such as him and Ivy when they dated.  It was seriously hard for me, I found myself falling for him like I did back freshman year.  "It's funny how physical distance can change a relationship," as he put it.  He's right.  Ever since Ivy got to him first, with asking him out, I distanced us because it was painful.  For two years, he was removed from my life.  Over time I got over it.

I regret that.  I wish I had the guts to ask him out freshman year, or the guts to even kiss him or just get close to him when hanging out with him on Saturday.  I keep having this feeling that its too late, that maybe I should let what happened, or didn't happen, between us die.  But at the same time, I feel like he's trying to revive what we had.  I'm torn.  I am completely torn... and I get the same vibe from him, that he is torn too.

There was a time in my life where I walked miles to see him.  Not to sound stalkerish.  I remember freshman year he invited me to a recital of his, and he thought I wouldn't show.  I was poor, didn't know how to get there.  I walked 3 miles to attend it, and 3 miles to get home.  And yet, I still didn't have the guts to act on my emotions.

There is a part of me that wants to tell him its not too late, but there's another part that wants me to remember that I don't want to be the initiative.  I have ALWAYS been the initiative in all my relationships and hook-ups.  I want to be surprised, swept off my feet for once, even if I deny them.

I'm hitting a point where I don't know what I want anymore, and it scares me.

Monday, February 2, 2009

There Will Be Time

I'd write more posts, but my hands are cramping major.  "Why are your hands cramping?"  Simple.  I have been writing a lot of letters, handwritten, to friends whom are seniors.  "Why are you writing letters?"

Thats more complicated.

I had realized how close graduation was.  So I took the time to count how many school days (not weekends or vacations) until our final exams, until our graduation date.  We have 63 days left.  As a joke I also counted how many Mondays we have left, being that we always complain how much Mondays suck.  We only have 15.

Holy. Shit.

I am so scared, I have so many friendships with people that have come and gone throughout the years.  In the hallways I see people whom I have grown accustom to, whom I have known since kindergarten, middle school, or just this year.  Some I haven't even gotten the chance to know.

I have taken a variety of classes, from CP to AP levels, from classes more centered on freshmen to more centered on seniors, to arts to academics to extroverted to introverted.  Because of the variety, I have met so many different people.  Most of them I shy away from in the hallways now.

I have always told myself (or others have said to me,) "There will be time to hang out.  We will make time next weekend.  We'll go when the weather is better.  I had a sudden appointment, but we will keep in touch, promise."  I tell you now, there is no more time.  We are out of time.  Have you ever taken the time out of your day to tell someone close to you how much you love them and appreciate them?  "When is the right time," you ask?  Well I ask you, is there a wrong time?  You have had weeks, months, years, to tell them.  Now you only have 63 days.  You are limited.  Most of my graduating class I will never see again after they walk that stage.  Some of them might have been close friends.  So to everyone I have met, thank you, for helping me be the person I am today.  Whether I have known you for years, or for a few days.  You took time out of your day to let me be a part of it, and that is more than I have done for others.

This is why I have been writing letters, because it's time.  The time is now.

If you do not receive a letter do not be offended.  These are difficult to write, and I'm trying to get to everyone.  But that doesn't me I can reach everyone.  The days are going by fast, and my hands can't keep up.  Just because you don't receive one, it doesn't mean I love you.  Because I do.

And so I hope I can tell you all, as a sending out, the following quote.  To our future.

"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough.  On occasion, some may be correct.  But do no do their work for them.  Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal.  Don't take it personally when they say "no"- they might not be smart enough to say "yes."

How are you going to spend this time?