Sunday, February 8, 2009

What I Want

It's been a while since I last updated, but its been one hectic week.  I'm excited for vacation, that officially begins after school on Friday the 13th, irony that hits us in the face basically.  Also ironic is our school celebrating Valentine's Day on Friday the 13th, so its all sorts of funno.

For the first time, ever in the history of knowing Eric, we hung out.  We sat by the river and talked, playing a massive game of Never Have I Ever.  We also ate, and walked and hung out in the park.  It was nice, I got to see a side of Eric that I felt I have missed before.  Mostly because I never took the time out of my schedule to care.  It was nice to get some closure on many curious topics, such as him and Ivy when they dated.  It was seriously hard for me, I found myself falling for him like I did back freshman year.  "It's funny how physical distance can change a relationship," as he put it.  He's right.  Ever since Ivy got to him first, with asking him out, I distanced us because it was painful.  For two years, he was removed from my life.  Over time I got over it.

I regret that.  I wish I had the guts to ask him out freshman year, or the guts to even kiss him or just get close to him when hanging out with him on Saturday.  I keep having this feeling that its too late, that maybe I should let what happened, or didn't happen, between us die.  But at the same time, I feel like he's trying to revive what we had.  I'm torn.  I am completely torn... and I get the same vibe from him, that he is torn too.

There was a time in my life where I walked miles to see him.  Not to sound stalkerish.  I remember freshman year he invited me to a recital of his, and he thought I wouldn't show.  I was poor, didn't know how to get there.  I walked 3 miles to attend it, and 3 miles to get home.  And yet, I still didn't have the guts to act on my emotions.

There is a part of me that wants to tell him its not too late, but there's another part that wants me to remember that I don't want to be the initiative.  I have ALWAYS been the initiative in all my relationships and hook-ups.  I want to be surprised, swept off my feet for once, even if I deny them.

I'm hitting a point where I don't know what I want anymore, and it scares me.

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