Bitter Taste

Once upon a time there was a blogpost here. A very angry one. It caused a lot of miscommuncation and bitterness. I really felt the so called "Bitter Taste."

Now miscommunications have been communicated. I would've deleted this earlier but I was afraid it would cause more miscommunications... but now its settled. So there is no reason to leave it up.

Its time to move on.

Starting now.

Crayola Blue

I wrote this while getting a burger in Davis... enjoy!

Crayola Blue

If you asked me my first memory,
I'd lie to your face.
I'd say it was my mother,
teaching me to wait.
But I learned on my own,
I learned it from you.
You are my first memory,
across the sandbox,
with your eyes so blue.

CHORUS:
I'll meet you at the swingset,
and we'll push one another.
We'll swing so high,
we'll fly to each other.
I'll meet you in the slide,
play by nobodies rules.
We'll play tag,
with only us two.
I'll be in playground,
waiting for you.

I remember, back in preschool,
you were the nicest boy I knew.
When you shared with me your crayons,
and you whined and cried,
cuz I never gave back that blue.
No matter how hard I tried,
they were never as blue as yours.

CHORUS

In our rambunkious years,
sneaking out in the night.
the moon smiling down,
as we admitted our love in the twilight.
Your jawline showing signs of manhood.
My curves showing signs of womanhood.
holding each others hands to adulthood.

CHORUS

My baby is beautiful,
I wish you'd stop by.
He has blue eyes like yours,
named him after a childhood sweetheart of mine.
This world is so scary,
so big and scary without you.
Without you.
Can we please, please go back to...

Meeting by the swingset,
pushing one another.
Swinging so high,
flying to each other.
Our secret hideout in the slide,
when I could call you mine.
Yeah call you mine.
I'll be in the playground waiting for you.
Waiting for you.
In the playground, waiting for you.

Long Awaited Rant

And it has to wait even longer.

I need it so bad.

But I won't have time to until I get home from work.

At 10.

God help me.

Not Ready

I am giving into love, I am refusing to give in to fear.

I don't know if Esther was quoting a RENT song, or just speaking her mind par usual, but that really hit me hard. I can't explain why. I feel my heart beating louder then ever, maybe afraid of knowing that one day it will stop.

I am loving in fear. I know that. I love Adam, and I am waiting, but I'm also scared that maybe he isn't the one for me, or I'm not the one for him. I'm not ready to shut down my options. I'm not ready for happily ever after. After is a key word there- it must come after a long fought battle. After scrubbing floors for years under your evil stepmother, after hiding a secret of being someone your not for a night, after finding your true love and having to let them go, to let them seek you out and whisk you away.

I know life isn't a fairy tale, but I still have too many stars to make wishes on before I make my happily ever after. And sometimes, stars are not made to be held, just to be looked at. How do I know which one I should be reaching for? And which one I should be admiring from afar?

Latin- A New View of Life

In highschool I took 3 years of latin in 2 years. Freshman year: Latin 1. Sophomore year: Latin 2 & 3 HN. I wasn't studying enough as it is, and I only took it because friends suggested I should. I wanted to learn something I could speak though. And not Spanish because I took that in middle school. I was French and had French relatives. So Junior and Senior year I took French 1 & 2 HN.

I hated it. I always found myself asking- what are the english words derived from French? Yeah French is cool and all, but how does it relate back to the language I speak now. My entire French class spent 20 min talking about whether I should, in college, continue with French or go back to Latin. It ended with going back to Latin. Now for my fall semester I will be taking Intermediate Latin- which means I have been studying like mad so I won't die in this class.

As I spent my night sipping coffee, highlighting text, and typing up notes, I rediscovered the verb "to love." The dictionary entry is amo, amare, amavi, amatum. In english that translates to: I love, to love, I loved, I will love.

The word that sticks out the most is "amavi." Pronounced Ah-Mah-Wee. It is the past tense of I love. It is one completed action in time. A language so ancient that it is declared dead, has the simplist explanation as to why we have heartbreak, or why we end up leaving in the end- because it is no longer a constant feeling.

"Why did you date him?"
"Amavi. I loved."

How simpler of an explanation do we need?

Natural High

When I was little, I did sports. I played Baseball for 3 years, Soccer for 2 years, Football for a year, Karate for 3 years, and Gymnastics on and off for 5 years. I was an athletic child! When I hit highschool though, I dropped it all to do theater. Not only was I no longer growing, I was no longer getting my exercise. I gained 40 pounds- 10 pounds a year. Some say I don't look 160 pounds, probably because of the muscle mass from working out over summers, and at tech and such. I hit a point this year where I stopped caring about my appearance, I know people will love me anyways.

This summer I became lazy, eating junk, doing nothing. Jean and I attempted running in the past, but we always had something to do or never had the nerve to do it. I can't fit into any of my summer clothes without sucking it in, Jean threw out a bunch of clothes that no longer fit her. Timmy and I last Sunday said "Lets get junk food!" And walked to Davis to go to the local CVS. It was embarrassing how tiring that was for us, to walk to Davis and back.

"It ends now."

At work the next day I text Jean. Making clear that we are running, tonight. No choices. I got my gear and ran to her place. We took the bike path from her house through Davis up towards Somerville. I remember she said she had to stop at the "Fiesta Pole" but I kept saying "No- Crosswalk!" Which was a bit farther down. She ended up stopping a bit past the Fiesta Pole, but I made it all the way. And stopped, ready to fall over.

In my Exercise Physiology class we talked a lot about "hitting the wall." I have never experienced this, but I am told that you must hit the wall, rest, and then continue onward in order to get better and to challenge yourself.

I could tell my eyes were dilating, trying to focus on everything around me at once. My water bottle felt like a 20 pound weight. On my back it felt like my rib cage was collapsing inward. I could feel all the muscles in my legs contracting, as if for dear life. My lungs weren't pumping fast enough, so it felt like I was at a stand still. I could feel my heart throbbing in my ears. But my favorite difference- the smile that crept over my face as I looked back at Jean.

I hit the wall.

I have been running everyday this week, and my legs are terribly sore. But that won't stop me! I even ran in the rain last Tuesday! Amazing experience!

What have you done lately?

Top of the World - Dixie Chicks

I absolutely love this song. Everytime I listen to it I get chills. The first time I heard it was when my grandmother and I were taking a roadtrip to Minnesota to my camp, but I thought nothing of it at the time. The second time I heard it was when I decided to help out the Dance Company with teching their show. I was backstage at the time taping schedules up to the wall when I hear this song come on. Oh thats cool, I recognize it, no biggie. Then I heard "Think I broke the wings off that little songbird, she's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now." How powerful of a line. I can't even explain it. I remember whipping around and watching the dance as it finished. The second time I saw it I bawled, it was moving to watch as a dixie chicks fan and with everything else in my life going on.

My other favorite line is "There's a whole lot of singin' thats never gonna be heard." It's so true. There is so much in this world, so much wisdom that we will never know about either personally, or in speaking for the world. There could be people in 3rd world countries that could know the meaning of life, and we will never know.

This song is beautifully crafted, I suggest looking it up.

I Admire You (And Will Miss You)

Dearest Esther,

You are one of my role models. I mean that. I remember the first time I met you, it was when I was starting to be less shy and more open. I was learning to make the first move when it came to talking and friendships. You taught me that it was ok to start the conversations. And I'm glad I did with you.

You saved me on numerous occasions, where I'd know no one but you. And you would be just as happy to see me. Our friendship is both giving and receiving, something seldom found in high school. And even so, I have only known you two years! And I haven't hung out with you much outside of school either, only on occasion. But the times that we did? You were always grateful for the times we were together. Its something that more friendships should have. Being grateful for the times shared.

You have also given me the confidence that the advice I give and the "deep profoundess" I express is worth it. You have always wanted to listen and have helped pushed me to not be afraid to tell the world. You have this natural gift of acceptance.

When you gave me the 4 page letter at graduation, I was really nervous. I was scared what would happen next year when I was gone, whether you would be able to grow as a person. But now seeing your blog, my goodness you are far better then our entire school. You know who you are, you are not afraid to be engaged in others lives, you are lovely in your own unique way that is just captivating to me.

Some people don't like that about you, I'll admit that. I have friends who have literally asked, "Ew why do you like her?" And I said no no please, give her a chance. She has so much to say, actually listen. Listen and learn from this girl. She has a genuine heart. Something I have always wanted to learn to have: a genuine heart. I don't know if its something you learn, or a talent of yours, or a skill I can never recreate. But you have it, please treasure it.

You are bound for greatness. I know you have self esteem issues, but knowing you and seeing how you have changed over the last year. I know you will learn to love yourself as much as I love you.

Thank you for everything.

Love,
Your Bex

Coffee Shop Romance

At work I wrote this on a bunch of sticky notes backwards. So I wrote the ending line first, then the line before that, and so forth. It was kinda cool how it came together. Hope you like it. It came out much more depressing then I meant it >_<

Coffee Shop Romance

As I began crying he asked,
"what did I do?"
"Oh sorry its not you.
Just need to get away for a while."
As he was hypnotized by my smile,
He asked, "Well what'll you order?"
"Just a cup of coffee will do me over."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Trusting a man I never knew.

Seasons came and seasons left,
But I sure will never forget,
The way he loved that gift I gave.
Although I never knew his name,
I simply wrote "From me to you."
"It's my only gift this year, to tell you the truth.
I'll use this mug and think of you."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Being a friend, of a man, I never knew.

"Thank you Good Ole Reliable."
He laughed, said, "Thought you should know,
I won't be around for a while."
As I heard myself say, "Don't go."
He reassured, "I'll be back for your smile."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Missing a man I never knew.

Days, weeks, months drove by fast.
Decided I should stop by and ask.
"Sorry m'am you didn't hear that he passed?"
As tears swelled the man said "wait-
He left a gift for the girl with the beautiful face."
And there it was, as it read.
"Here's my mug from me to you,
And no tears shall be shed."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
In love with a man I never knew.

Missing the lover I never had.

(Real) Wheel Questions

http://www.wheelquestions.org/


If you have not heard about wheel questions yet, well here it is. Johnny started this project a little while back because he wanted to change up his life. This is one of these most inspiring things for me especially, because I have always been the go to girl. Now he has people he has never met, trusting in him that he knows the answers.

Trust. Wow. I don't even have that with all my friends.

I went on the website to see if he answered my questions yet (which he hasn't, grumble grumble) and you see pages upon pages of questions. ALL answered by him. And a noticed a trend in questions.

Love. Everyone is so concerned whether they are enough, or that their partner is enough, or that it will last. People have a need to know whether its a waste of time or not. But seriously? That can be said for anything we do. We are so scared by heartbreak that we need a stranger to give us that extra nudge.

I'm not saying its a bad thing. Maybe we need the extra nudge, of someone we can convince knows us better then our own friends. Sort of the same reason why we have religions, and gods/goddesses to turn to. We need to believe that we are not alone. That there is at least one person out there in this universe, who can meet us eye to eye, and say yes, I see your soul. We all need that stranger in our lives. And sometimes, we need to be that stranger too. A friends mother once told me, "Never forget you are being watched. Sometimes you are the only God people will encounter on this Earth."

Thank you Johnny!

Wheel Questioner: What is the purpose of Life?
Johnny: You Get to choose! How do you want to live? How do you want to change the world?

Single Life (making real memories)

So I feel terrible. I broke up with Aaron the day before my birthday. He was throwing me a surprise birthday party...

My life has been guy after girl after guy and I really can't make my dating life my milestones anymore.

If I can find a way to make the milestones all the laughs I have, all the friends I make, all the love I carry, I'd be a happier person. We must avoid making the milestones the breakups, the heartaches, the hours of work. Taking a step back and going goddamn, look where I am. And hopefully with a smile on my face.

Jean and I this entire year have hung out nearly everyday. Our topics? Our dream weddings, our dream apartment, our dream kitchen, our dream family, our dream lives. Its one thing to dream. Its also another thing when your dreaming becomes your life. I'm not saying we shouldn't dream, but don't let it rule you. When those days come when we find husbands and have children, have those dream apartments and kitchens, we'll come back and say you know what? I wish I was a teenager again. Make the memories, don't wait for them.

But seriously, I'm going to enjoy this single life. I want to make friends, have coffee, meet new people. I won't date everyone I lay eyes on.

So, who wants to grab a coffee with me? =)

Flower Giving

I have always wondered why we give flowers as gifts.  They sort of just die eventually.  Yes they are pretty, but many of us have allergies too.  I just literally typed into the google search bar, "Why give flowers?"  And what popped up, as I suspected, was propaganda and ads for flower shops in the area.  It has become such a commonality in our lives that no one has actually stepped back and asked how flowers are a conventional and likable gift.

I wonder because the first time I have been given flowers as gifts were this year, it happened a couple of times actually.  Yeah, I liked them.  It was so sweet that someone went out, picked out flowers, and took care of them long enough to give them to me.

I bring this up because I had no idea what to do with flowers that were given to me.  They are pretty.  That is so nice.  I now have flowers polluting my house are just dying over time.  They were used for one reason- to put a smile on my face.  Now that their job is over, they no longer have a job.

That is a lie though.  We are taught that we should always be giving.  What if our entire lives were to reach one goal?  Or to make someone smile once?  It'd be pretty pointless.  We must keep making others smile, we must keep giving.

What I did with those flowers was give them away.  I removed what was close to dying, and gave away the flowers to make someone else smile, and I asked them to do the same thing.  From one boutique of flowers, we made 5 people smile, not just one.  I invite you to keep giving flowers whenever they are given to you- there is no specific occasion necessary!

Been Gone for So Long

Sorry for being out of touch with the world!  I had a dance performance, got a boyfriend, went to prom, graduated, had my candidate Katie be confirmed, this that and the other thing.  I have over 200 new photos on facebook from the last 2 weeks!

So I thought I'd post something sort of awesome.

Article on our graduation, and Aaron and I making the picture for it!

I know I know you're all jealous.

And ANOTHER New Song

I realized I haven't actually posted this yet when I meant to.  This is one of my best I think.

Unscripted Me

House lights dim down,
red curtain rises,
audience ready for new surprises.
What story shall we tell tonight?
An abstract Samson and Delilah,
the original Romeo and Juliet.
The story we choose,
the one we create,
will come to life when our gaze meets.

CHORUS:
When the curtain comes down,
will you still call me yours?
Will you turn and go home,
as if we're not one anymore?
I ain't no temptress in a ball gown,
or a juliet on a balcony steep,
I ain't no actress nor a tease,
when I say I love you,
I'm unscripted me.

From a choreographed dance of 50,
to a tea time for 3,
my make up slowly fades,
from the gaze of 1050.
But its the fire in your eyes,
that causes my passion to rise,
as you lean in for the kiss every night,
sweeping the audience off their feet,
I find it difficult to feel
the ground beneath me.
Walking on air was never my specialty.

CHORUS

Lovers who separate on chance,
or lovers who meet on glance.
To my slippers of glass,
to your upright class.
What story shall we tell tonight?
Shall we make the audience cry,
or shall we cause them fright?
The standing ovations,
are just the distractions,
to my true obligations.

CHORUS

I ain't no actress nor a tease.
When I say I love you,
when I say I love you,
I'm simply,

unscripted me.

New Song

Well okay... the song is "sort of" new.  I've had it around for a while, but too lazy to do anything with it.  So here it is...

Can You Hear Me?

Have you heard the news?
have you seen the joy?
we thought we were screwed,
we thought we were just toys.
Thank you they said,
and out with ya.
The high praises
after the clashes and changes,
all they could say was out with ya,
out with ya I say.

Chorus:
I am a person of action,
where I go I carry change,
I carry hope, satisfaction,
I claw through the reactions.
I provide where I am needed,
and once the warmth of spring,
I leave when the birds sing.

Have you heard the birds sing?
have you felt the caged ringing?
No you have not, let me explain.
Birds cannot sing when in pain.
They can cry and scream,
they also sleep and dream.
In peace in peace I teach them to rebel,
I bring them their dreams, awake and real,
more more,
again again,
I feel it.

CHORUS

Can you feel it?
It chills the bones.
It chills my soul.
Chills the very brink of my being.
Can you feel it?
Bursting at the seems.
Thats your song,
thats your song to sing.
Now that my job is complete,
I must go, I must leave.

CHORUS

Can you hear me?

Nice Guys

This rant is probably the most beautiful things I have ever read.  So first, you must read it before I continue on.

http://www.stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html

I have been trying for a good month now to fathom how to write an ode to all the nice guys, and I wish I was lying.  But its the truth.  I have thought time and time again how I have no guy friends this year, and I understand why.  Many of them felt it was time to be jerks, because they wouldn't get laid otherwise.  I guess its true, and I do not have an answer to why.  Also, I have hormones.  I have hooked up with many of my good guy friends, and it saddens me because you now create an air that cannot be taken back.

I wanted to create this post as a follow up to honestly and truly say, I'm sorry.  I am so sorry because I have been that girl.  That hypocritical clueless girl.  I have been the flirt, I have been the girl needing an ego boost, I have been the girl who knows full well that I am treating you badly, and not changing my ways.  I have also been that girl who has dated the wrong guy time and time again.  And why I am truly sorry, is because I am still that girl.  I'm sorry I haven't figured it all out, and I still haven't.

What I loved most about this rant is the undying hope expressed.  I ask to please please please, do not give up on me, I am still learning.  I can't explain why I've done the things I have done, but I can express that you have saved my life time and time again, taking the bullet that sometimes even I have fired.  You are truly a man, a husband, a friend, and a selfless lover.  Do not give up hope, we do grow up.  I will grow up.  And one day, I will be choosing you.

Thank you, for I can't live without you.

Happy Easter!

I wish all of you a Happy Easter- all of those who still read my blog that is.

I just experienced the best Triduum this year.  I will always love the Paulist Center when it comes to services, they always do it right.  I had the honor of helping out in the background for Holy Thursday, but I was able to attend Good Friday and Easter Vigil as an onlooker.

Holy Thursday is the celebrating of Jesus' final feast with his friends.  At the last supper, he washes everyones feet.  As a symbol of community and unity through "intimacy and love" as Father Paul put it, we washed everyone's feet in the chapel.  This meant that everyone had their feet washed, and they washed someone else's.  What I loved was Father Paul's homily, about how we should be creative with how we show our love towards another person.  I don't know why, but his term "creativity" will stick with me for a while, because thats what Jesus used to express his love.  At the end of the service, we went to the basement, were a worship space was created.  And we sang together as a community "Stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray, watch and pray."  This brought me back to MMA, and it hurt so bad.  I wanted to cry but I couldn't, and I kept telling myself to save it for the Tenebrae Service.

The Tenebrae Service is my favorite every year.  Its at night on Good Friday.  I spent all year waiting for it, wanting to get all my emotions out then.

There was no Tenebrae Service this year.

Oh well... maybe next year.

The Paradoxical Zen

  As I pull out my pen and paper, a hidden excitement dawns in me, something that has laid dormant for so long.  I love writing, its a little passion of mine that I have only picked up recently, but something I do hope to continue.  Then, when I have a pen and blank sheet at my ready, I freeze.  Well, damn, I have nothing to write about.

  But I don't move to put my stuff back.  I sit so still, debating with my own self.  Allowing my thoughts to eat me up whole.  I have so many personal experiences I can get out, that I can describe in vivid, beautiful details.

  I can write about what has broken me this past year, with the layoffs, lack of theater, and failing of classes.

  I can write about my travels, out to CA and back, my cancellation in Chicago, my trip to MN, my road trips.

  I can write about my future, about St. Kate's and the physical therapy program, minoring in Theology and so forth.

  As I spiral in a whirlwind of my past, present, and future of my life, I come to a simple conclusion.  What do people want to hear?  Who will even read it to begin with?  Should I give what I want, or what they want?  Do my experiences get the credit they deserve being voiced by myself, using everyones' eyes' and ears' as a writing tool?

  Probably not.  Maybe I won't do them justice.  Maybe I have never done justice by writing them to begin with.  So lets back track to square one.

  I love writing.  Let's hope I can do that justice.

  I must retract myself from my mind eventually, its only so long until someone worries.  I come back to my pen and blank sheet.  Smiling, I gently pack up my materials.

"Maybe Tomorrow."

A Belated Update On My Life

It's been a couple of weeks since I last updated.  There is a lot to cover I guess.

My Valentine's Day was amazing!  I got in the mail 4 cards and a mix CD from Adam.  The cards were filled inside and out from him writing so much.  It was the sweetest thing, and I felt so bad I didn't do anything for him.  But he does plan to visit on the 26th-31st.... in two weeks I think?  Roughly?  We are cleaning away here trying to be ready for that.

I'm so glad our CRLS Theater group moved on to Semi Finals!  Me and Michael did the sweetest thing for them.  We made 48 goody bags for the entire cast, and put a rose in each one, delivering it to their room at Pre-lims.  And their show was fantastic!  Semi's are this weekend in Andover, and Ipswich will be joining us.  I'm ecstatic because I know a lot of them, and because I get to see Riley again.  Riley is the stage manager there, and I met him last year at Semi's.  We still chit chat and talk, and it will be great to see him once again.

I also recently teched for our Dance Show on backstage left headset.  We came to the conclusion that our dance company does NOT get enough credit for what they deserve.  And I hope many of them continue dance in the future.

Senioritis

Senioritis is getting the best of me.  Today, to avoid not turning in a project I just slept.  A lot.  And instead went to Starbucks to read.

Today, I meant to finish that project.  I slept already, and got myself up to do the project.

I am seriously bored to tears, I am falling asleep at the computer.

I am just going to not turn it in tomorrow morning and hopefully start it early enough tomorrow and just email it to her saying my printer is broken, which is stretching the truth.

I just hope this doesn't worsen like it did in Modern World History last semester where I actually failed.

It has also come to my attention that scholarships for my school are due Wednesday at 3pm.  Well... crap on a stick.  I'm just going to go sleep and rest up for tomorrows haul.