Midterm Break

I have no classes until Monday.

Finally- a break. I haven't had a time to stop since I got here and its been wearing me down.

I'm going to Alexa's to hand candy out to little children.

I might make a last minute costume.

I might go for a run.

I'll play Rockband.

I'll do laundry.

I'll also study for my Theology quiz and Chemistry Test on that Monday. But eh, I won't worry about those just yet.

I can't wait. =) Only a few more hours on this campus!

Math Talk

While in the Coffee Shop writing about nonsensical things (the last two blog posts to be precise) I overheard a study group. Its so much fun to eavesdrop on math conversations. They speak in a code that is understandable, but not comprehensible. I decided to make a list of everything I heard or could write down. This was 5 minutes of real Math Talk.

-2 and 3 on this side
-P
-Q?
-on D
-missing something
-Always 2nd Guess
-G and then I
-2 and 3 = ?
-on 1
-He was probably right but I didn't understand
-Q Dependent
-on 1?
-2 and 3 = 1
-Always standard function
-Have P and Q
-Still 1
-1 is 1

There's no way I can tell you what the math problem was that they were solving, but I can tell you I recognize everything. Its like being able to label the parts, you just don't know how they work together as one. I think my favorite is the last one, "1 is 1." It is what it is. I guess math can help us learn some philosophical matters of our life. Maybe we just have to listen to the right words.

Minnesota Nice

I don't understand these people.
I don't know how their brains work.
If pushed out of their comfort zone, they'll cry.
If kept in their comfort zone, they'll complain.
When they find someone new in their lives, they hold on for dear life.
If a new relationship?
They must hold on. They fear that they will find no one else after that.

My acts of kindness, scare people.
My care for them, confuses people.
My love towards others, terrifies people.

This is a Catholic community.
We are taught to love unconditionally.

I don't know if its worse where I am from, either to love fully or not at all.
Or if its worse here, loving only with set, limited, conditions.

If I can find a way to combine Massachusetts' of unconditional love towards the ones we hold close, and Minnesota's way of love towards strangers...

I think I will discover something truly beautiful.

Passion

Passion = Power.

If your passion is so strong, you have the power to do anything.

Passion is what drives our world, our lives, our ambitions.

Passion for a better world, love, joy, peace, completeness.

And also a Passion for destruction, pain, money, land.

Passion is easily comparable to Religion. In the right hands it can save our world, or an individual's world. People's lives. Whether you have passion or religion in your life or not, it does have an effect on someone else.

At the same time, Religion and Passion can destroy. In the wrong hands it causes long term pain.

Without Passion, there is no power.

Without Passion or Power, there is no civilization.

No Humanity.

Can Humanity exist without Religion? Or is it just like Passion and Power?

Lucifer Darling

New Song! Enjoyyy.

Lucifer Darling

When the angels had told me,
at those pearly white gates,
That I was blessed to be
loved by He.
I cried and wept,
For God wasn't my lover.
I could only love my Lucifer.

CHORUS:
Lucifer my love,
nothing can stop us.
Devil my dear,
these flames will protect this.
You've been lonely for millennia,
and I've been lonely for years.
Now in Hell we'll dwell,
and in Heaven we'll be.

They damned me down,
damned my poor soul.
They said I was cursed,
they gave me their all.
But it sure was a blessing,
to finally be with you.
They say God can love-
Can't the devil too?

CHORUS

I will protect you,
no more hiding.
I will love you,
no more dying.
You will be cursed no more,
for our love will save you.

CHORUS

For I will bring you peace.

Homesickness

I'm not. At least, I don't think I am. Its hard to say. Everyone expects me to be homesick, and I do feel a little uneasy on the weekends when no one is around to do anything. But I'm okay.

At home I loved to do things on my own. Shopping, walking, riding the train, getting to and from work or school, reading or sitting by the river, eating. I lived by the philosophy of having at least one "me" day, and all the other days of the week be "we" days. This is what I miss. I miss just having my iPod and deciding where I will be going or what I need to get or what I want to do - and actually doing it. I could do it all subconciously - knowing how much money I need, or knowing I have to stop by an ATM on the way, or by a Starbucks. It was something I never had to consider and think about.

I tried to do this when I went to the pharmacy. It was nice, and I'm really glad I had something sort of like home. But it wasn't the same because I wasn't familiar enough that I had to be so aware of my surroundings so I don't get hit by a car, or get lost, or get hit on by the wrong people.

So I miss "me" time. But as much as I miss the company of my family and friends, I'm okay. I can admit that I don't remember what their hugs are like, or what their laughter sounds like, or how they smile, but I know I'll get to see them again soon. And I can tell them all about the friendships and bonds I have made here. I was always told that I adapt well to new surroundings, and I'm easy to get to know. It was tested, and I'd say they are pretty right.

So, I'm okay. And its nice to say that for once.

Silence

I've had an interesting 2 weeks here. I am overloaded with school work and my job and trying to find time to keep in touch with everyone back home, but I am quite satisfied with my time here.

A large part of this weeks topic in my Reflective Woman class is the ability to be heard. Some of my favorite quotes from the book thus far are,
"We must help the oppressed be listened into speech."
"Your silence will not protect you."
"It is our shared commitment toward a world in which the inborn potentialities of so many women's minds will no longer be wasted, raveled-away, paralyzed, and denied."

I've cried over this book on multiple occasions. I'm quite emotional, but its hard when you know you have been that passive girl, allowing yourself to be walked over. And it isn't easy, which is sometimes misunderstood. And most of all, being silent will not make it easier.

But I have a hard time grasping why silence is considered so negative. Sometimes we need to let ourselves be silent. Its hard to listen and speak; how can I listen for the changes necessary when trying to speak them at the same time? Being silent in fear is a negative thing. But being silent in awe, and being silent to let others speak, and being silent so you can embrace the world around you? That is definitely a necessary part of living, that should not be ignored either.

Silence has a sound. We just have to learn to listen for it.

Long Haul

It took weeks and maybe even months to prepare for this moment... but here goes.

I am a college student.

This is when the rest of my life begins.

Its weird. It took a while to settle in, with the opening celebrations and 3 day orientation and classes starting so late. I'm still not completely settled either. I found out I got the Social Justice Coordinator job, so I start work Monday. I still need to get my laundry card. I need to get ink cartridges. Its as if it never ends.

But right now, its nice to say I am here in one piece. I am spending my saturday night alone, since my roommate went home for the weekend. Its pleasant - nice to soak it in.

Heres a toast to a wonderful year.

College Countdown

I'm on an official countdown right now.  I love that facebook application!  For July and June I told myself to take life as it comes and even though I am juggling 2 jobs I can have a good summer too.

And I have.

Now it is August and I still have not finished packing, I need to send stuff to my roommate, I need to order my textbooks, I have to finish my resume to send to Work Study, I don't have enough money as it is so I need more hours, I have to fill out medical forms, I need to sketch out the roadtrip to plan the hotel rooms, I'm donating platelets before I go, I have to find time to buy running sneakers, I must get a haircut...  the list goes on.

Not that I don't mind.  I am overly excited for going.  To start the rest of my life.  To finally meet my roommate and make friends and sing with Lori True and take classes I'll enjoy.  The wait is killing me more.   But at the same time, I need the wait to prepare.

So now my last month here is going to be spent getting ready.  I won't have a chance to say goodbye to many whom I love and cherish because I am so busy getting ready because I put it off for 2 months already.  I'm terrible at saying goodbye.  Or admitting that I won't see anyone to anyones face in particular.

I can't make anymore promises other then- I will be back.

Good Night Moon

You know when your little- how you dream of being a fire truck driver, or a doctor, or an astronaut?

I was never one of those kids.

I guess you can call me a realist- I wanted to be a teacher.  I never looked up at the night sky whispering, "One day..."  I never cared about it.  I've read stories and talked to many who said, "It makes me feel small, and connected with the rest of the world, knowing there is so much out there."  I never had this feeling.  Wherever I was I could look up and point out 2 stars, maybe 5 if I was lucky.  It scared me, knowing that there wasn't much out there, and if anything I felt more disconnected with the world knowing I can't see the things they can.

The first time I saw the "real" Night sky was when I was on my 8th grade feel trip coming back from New York.  I looked up and couldn't count them.  I could make out the big dipper, and spy the North Star.  I was taken aback that maybe I was wrong, and I started weeping to myself as the rest of the bus slept.  I can be a part of the world.  The next times I encountered these moments was on my roadtrips to colleges, to Minnesota, to Pennsylvania, and visiting in California.  Only on a few nights.  I just remember in Ohio, seeing how the highway met the sky, and the stars were a dome surrounding it.  I have never seen it "dome" like this except in a Planetarium.  It was utterly beautiful.

I bring all this up because of when I saw the night sky driving home Wednesday night with my mom.  It was 1AM, and we just finished up work.  I'd look up and there were no stars because the moon was too bright.  But you could see every detail, every line, of the massive cloud in front of it.  I was up against the glass of the window; it looked like I was underwater looking at the waters surface.  I heard myself think,

One Day...

I prayed that I could be younger again, just so I could get the experience of dreaming big.  As if I missed out.  But really?  I haven't missed out at all.  I had a different way to find it.  I just had to catch up to it, and it had to catch up to me.

Beginning of August

I haven't sung at Mass since the last Sunday of June.  The last time I stepped into my church was when Adam was visiting for July 4th weekend.  What I love about my church is it's ability to completely engage the community into its homilies.  July 4th weekend was hard, we went to see the fireworks and walked all the way home from Boston.  Then we got up at 8 to go to 10AM mass.  We were not the only ones half awake.  But the priest went on a beautiful homily that brought us all together, a bit like MMA almost.  He said something along the lines of...

"Jesus didn't 'shed a tear', he looked down on his people and wept.  He sat down, and cried.  Cried to his father, cried for himself, his people.  He grieved for them.  Could you imagine standing there, with Jesus our savior and life, grieving for his people?  Sitting down, and weeping for the tasks to come?  We are told to remind ourselves, 'What would Jesus do?'  I want you to take a moment with Jesus, weeping beside you, and ask yourself, 'What would I do for Jesus?"

In the crowd you could hear sniffles, it was terribly moving.  But it was very intimate and reassuring that maybe sometimes, we must be the miracle.

Which brings me to today.  I went to Mass for the first time this month to sing.  It was great pieces, many of which reminded me of MMA to be honest.  I wore my MMA beads and everything.  One year ago from today, I was sitting with my MMA family singing a Japanese hymn that marked the end of my MMA era.  So that made it even harder.

This homily today, was given by a woman from our community.  I've seen her speak before, and she is just such an inspiration for us, and is a true blessing to have her here.  We celebrated the bread of life, and what that really means.  She mentioned how we find ourselves blaming God, like the Israelites.  They asked for water, and God gave them water, and then they forgot because they were so caught up in what they don't have then what they do.  They forgot the miracles.  They had to wait 40 years to find their homeland, I'm sure after 2 years being told "have faith" works a toll on the soul.  But she ended it with...

"May we try to believe in our faith.  May we try to believe in the Spirit.  May we try and believe in the Miracles."

Count the blessings.  Make the miracles the milestones in your life, not all the times where you cried out to the heavens.  Don't click your heels three times and give up, don't give your miracles a time limit.  But believe that if you keep clicking those heels, it will eventually come.

Look forward to the sunrise.

Bitter Taste

Once upon a time there was a blogpost here. A very angry one. It caused a lot of miscommuncation and bitterness. I really felt the so called "Bitter Taste."

Now miscommunications have been communicated. I would've deleted this earlier but I was afraid it would cause more miscommunications... but now its settled. So there is no reason to leave it up.

Its time to move on.

Starting now.

Crayola Blue

I wrote this while getting a burger in Davis... enjoy!

Crayola Blue

If you asked me my first memory,
I'd lie to your face.
I'd say it was my mother,
teaching me to wait.
But I learned on my own,
I learned it from you.
You are my first memory,
across the sandbox,
with your eyes so blue.

CHORUS:
I'll meet you at the swingset,
and we'll push one another.
We'll swing so high,
we'll fly to each other.
I'll meet you in the slide,
play by nobodies rules.
We'll play tag,
with only us two.
I'll be in playground,
waiting for you.

I remember, back in preschool,
you were the nicest boy I knew.
When you shared with me your crayons,
and you whined and cried,
cuz I never gave back that blue.
No matter how hard I tried,
they were never as blue as yours.

CHORUS

In our rambunkious years,
sneaking out in the night.
the moon smiling down,
as we admitted our love in the twilight.
Your jawline showing signs of manhood.
My curves showing signs of womanhood.
holding each others hands to adulthood.

CHORUS

My baby is beautiful,
I wish you'd stop by.
He has blue eyes like yours,
named him after a childhood sweetheart of mine.
This world is so scary,
so big and scary without you.
Without you.
Can we please, please go back to...

Meeting by the swingset,
pushing one another.
Swinging so high,
flying to each other.
Our secret hideout in the slide,
when I could call you mine.
Yeah call you mine.
I'll be in the playground waiting for you.
Waiting for you.
In the playground, waiting for you.

Long Awaited Rant

And it has to wait even longer.

I need it so bad.

But I won't have time to until I get home from work.

At 10.

God help me.

Not Ready

I am giving into love, I am refusing to give in to fear.

I don't know if Esther was quoting a RENT song, or just speaking her mind par usual, but that really hit me hard. I can't explain why. I feel my heart beating louder then ever, maybe afraid of knowing that one day it will stop.

I am loving in fear. I know that. I love Adam, and I am waiting, but I'm also scared that maybe he isn't the one for me, or I'm not the one for him. I'm not ready to shut down my options. I'm not ready for happily ever after. After is a key word there- it must come after a long fought battle. After scrubbing floors for years under your evil stepmother, after hiding a secret of being someone your not for a night, after finding your true love and having to let them go, to let them seek you out and whisk you away.

I know life isn't a fairy tale, but I still have too many stars to make wishes on before I make my happily ever after. And sometimes, stars are not made to be held, just to be looked at. How do I know which one I should be reaching for? And which one I should be admiring from afar?

Latin- A New View of Life

In highschool I took 3 years of latin in 2 years. Freshman year: Latin 1. Sophomore year: Latin 2 & 3 HN. I wasn't studying enough as it is, and I only took it because friends suggested I should. I wanted to learn something I could speak though. And not Spanish because I took that in middle school. I was French and had French relatives. So Junior and Senior year I took French 1 & 2 HN.

I hated it. I always found myself asking- what are the english words derived from French? Yeah French is cool and all, but how does it relate back to the language I speak now. My entire French class spent 20 min talking about whether I should, in college, continue with French or go back to Latin. It ended with going back to Latin. Now for my fall semester I will be taking Intermediate Latin- which means I have been studying like mad so I won't die in this class.

As I spent my night sipping coffee, highlighting text, and typing up notes, I rediscovered the verb "to love." The dictionary entry is amo, amare, amavi, amatum. In english that translates to: I love, to love, I loved, I will love.

The word that sticks out the most is "amavi." Pronounced Ah-Mah-Wee. It is the past tense of I love. It is one completed action in time. A language so ancient that it is declared dead, has the simplist explanation as to why we have heartbreak, or why we end up leaving in the end- because it is no longer a constant feeling.

"Why did you date him?"
"Amavi. I loved."

How simpler of an explanation do we need?

Natural High

When I was little, I did sports. I played Baseball for 3 years, Soccer for 2 years, Football for a year, Karate for 3 years, and Gymnastics on and off for 5 years. I was an athletic child! When I hit highschool though, I dropped it all to do theater. Not only was I no longer growing, I was no longer getting my exercise. I gained 40 pounds- 10 pounds a year. Some say I don't look 160 pounds, probably because of the muscle mass from working out over summers, and at tech and such. I hit a point this year where I stopped caring about my appearance, I know people will love me anyways.

This summer I became lazy, eating junk, doing nothing. Jean and I attempted running in the past, but we always had something to do or never had the nerve to do it. I can't fit into any of my summer clothes without sucking it in, Jean threw out a bunch of clothes that no longer fit her. Timmy and I last Sunday said "Lets get junk food!" And walked to Davis to go to the local CVS. It was embarrassing how tiring that was for us, to walk to Davis and back.

"It ends now."

At work the next day I text Jean. Making clear that we are running, tonight. No choices. I got my gear and ran to her place. We took the bike path from her house through Davis up towards Somerville. I remember she said she had to stop at the "Fiesta Pole" but I kept saying "No- Crosswalk!" Which was a bit farther down. She ended up stopping a bit past the Fiesta Pole, but I made it all the way. And stopped, ready to fall over.

In my Exercise Physiology class we talked a lot about "hitting the wall." I have never experienced this, but I am told that you must hit the wall, rest, and then continue onward in order to get better and to challenge yourself.

I could tell my eyes were dilating, trying to focus on everything around me at once. My water bottle felt like a 20 pound weight. On my back it felt like my rib cage was collapsing inward. I could feel all the muscles in my legs contracting, as if for dear life. My lungs weren't pumping fast enough, so it felt like I was at a stand still. I could feel my heart throbbing in my ears. But my favorite difference- the smile that crept over my face as I looked back at Jean.

I hit the wall.

I have been running everyday this week, and my legs are terribly sore. But that won't stop me! I even ran in the rain last Tuesday! Amazing experience!

What have you done lately?

Top of the World - Dixie Chicks

I absolutely love this song. Everytime I listen to it I get chills. The first time I heard it was when my grandmother and I were taking a roadtrip to Minnesota to my camp, but I thought nothing of it at the time. The second time I heard it was when I decided to help out the Dance Company with teching their show. I was backstage at the time taping schedules up to the wall when I hear this song come on. Oh thats cool, I recognize it, no biggie. Then I heard "Think I broke the wings off that little songbird, she's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now." How powerful of a line. I can't even explain it. I remember whipping around and watching the dance as it finished. The second time I saw it I bawled, it was moving to watch as a dixie chicks fan and with everything else in my life going on.

My other favorite line is "There's a whole lot of singin' thats never gonna be heard." It's so true. There is so much in this world, so much wisdom that we will never know about either personally, or in speaking for the world. There could be people in 3rd world countries that could know the meaning of life, and we will never know.

This song is beautifully crafted, I suggest looking it up.

I Admire You (And Will Miss You)

Dearest Esther,

You are one of my role models. I mean that. I remember the first time I met you, it was when I was starting to be less shy and more open. I was learning to make the first move when it came to talking and friendships. You taught me that it was ok to start the conversations. And I'm glad I did with you.

You saved me on numerous occasions, where I'd know no one but you. And you would be just as happy to see me. Our friendship is both giving and receiving, something seldom found in high school. And even so, I have only known you two years! And I haven't hung out with you much outside of school either, only on occasion. But the times that we did? You were always grateful for the times we were together. Its something that more friendships should have. Being grateful for the times shared.

You have also given me the confidence that the advice I give and the "deep profoundess" I express is worth it. You have always wanted to listen and have helped pushed me to not be afraid to tell the world. You have this natural gift of acceptance.

When you gave me the 4 page letter at graduation, I was really nervous. I was scared what would happen next year when I was gone, whether you would be able to grow as a person. But now seeing your blog, my goodness you are far better then our entire school. You know who you are, you are not afraid to be engaged in others lives, you are lovely in your own unique way that is just captivating to me.

Some people don't like that about you, I'll admit that. I have friends who have literally asked, "Ew why do you like her?" And I said no no please, give her a chance. She has so much to say, actually listen. Listen and learn from this girl. She has a genuine heart. Something I have always wanted to learn to have: a genuine heart. I don't know if its something you learn, or a talent of yours, or a skill I can never recreate. But you have it, please treasure it.

You are bound for greatness. I know you have self esteem issues, but knowing you and seeing how you have changed over the last year. I know you will learn to love yourself as much as I love you.

Thank you for everything.

Love,
Your Bex

Coffee Shop Romance

At work I wrote this on a bunch of sticky notes backwards. So I wrote the ending line first, then the line before that, and so forth. It was kinda cool how it came together. Hope you like it. It came out much more depressing then I meant it >_<

Coffee Shop Romance

As I began crying he asked,
"what did I do?"
"Oh sorry its not you.
Just need to get away for a while."
As he was hypnotized by my smile,
He asked, "Well what'll you order?"
"Just a cup of coffee will do me over."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Trusting a man I never knew.

Seasons came and seasons left,
But I sure will never forget,
The way he loved that gift I gave.
Although I never knew his name,
I simply wrote "From me to you."
"It's my only gift this year, to tell you the truth.
I'll use this mug and think of you."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Being a friend, of a man, I never knew.

"Thank you Good Ole Reliable."
He laughed, said, "Thought you should know,
I won't be around for a while."
As I heard myself say, "Don't go."
He reassured, "I'll be back for your smile."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
Missing a man I never knew.

Days, weeks, months drove by fast.
Decided I should stop by and ask.
"Sorry m'am you didn't hear that he passed?"
As tears swelled the man said "wait-
He left a gift for the girl with the beautiful face."
And there it was, as it read.
"Here's my mug from me to you,
And no tears shall be shed."

I wish I never met you,
We should have stuck to that customer script.
"One cup of joe,"
"That'll be 1.52."
Now here I am,
In love with a man I never knew.

Missing the lover I never had.

(Real) Wheel Questions

http://www.wheelquestions.org/


If you have not heard about wheel questions yet, well here it is. Johnny started this project a little while back because he wanted to change up his life. This is one of these most inspiring things for me especially, because I have always been the go to girl. Now he has people he has never met, trusting in him that he knows the answers.

Trust. Wow. I don't even have that with all my friends.

I went on the website to see if he answered my questions yet (which he hasn't, grumble grumble) and you see pages upon pages of questions. ALL answered by him. And a noticed a trend in questions.

Love. Everyone is so concerned whether they are enough, or that their partner is enough, or that it will last. People have a need to know whether its a waste of time or not. But seriously? That can be said for anything we do. We are so scared by heartbreak that we need a stranger to give us that extra nudge.

I'm not saying its a bad thing. Maybe we need the extra nudge, of someone we can convince knows us better then our own friends. Sort of the same reason why we have religions, and gods/goddesses to turn to. We need to believe that we are not alone. That there is at least one person out there in this universe, who can meet us eye to eye, and say yes, I see your soul. We all need that stranger in our lives. And sometimes, we need to be that stranger too. A friends mother once told me, "Never forget you are being watched. Sometimes you are the only God people will encounter on this Earth."

Thank you Johnny!

Wheel Questioner: What is the purpose of Life?
Johnny: You Get to choose! How do you want to live? How do you want to change the world?

Single Life (making real memories)

So I feel terrible. I broke up with Aaron the day before my birthday. He was throwing me a surprise birthday party...

My life has been guy after girl after guy and I really can't make my dating life my milestones anymore.

If I can find a way to make the milestones all the laughs I have, all the friends I make, all the love I carry, I'd be a happier person. We must avoid making the milestones the breakups, the heartaches, the hours of work. Taking a step back and going goddamn, look where I am. And hopefully with a smile on my face.

Jean and I this entire year have hung out nearly everyday. Our topics? Our dream weddings, our dream apartment, our dream kitchen, our dream family, our dream lives. Its one thing to dream. Its also another thing when your dreaming becomes your life. I'm not saying we shouldn't dream, but don't let it rule you. When those days come when we find husbands and have children, have those dream apartments and kitchens, we'll come back and say you know what? I wish I was a teenager again. Make the memories, don't wait for them.

But seriously, I'm going to enjoy this single life. I want to make friends, have coffee, meet new people. I won't date everyone I lay eyes on.

So, who wants to grab a coffee with me? =)

Flower Giving

I have always wondered why we give flowers as gifts.  They sort of just die eventually.  Yes they are pretty, but many of us have allergies too.  I just literally typed into the google search bar, "Why give flowers?"  And what popped up, as I suspected, was propaganda and ads for flower shops in the area.  It has become such a commonality in our lives that no one has actually stepped back and asked how flowers are a conventional and likable gift.

I wonder because the first time I have been given flowers as gifts were this year, it happened a couple of times actually.  Yeah, I liked them.  It was so sweet that someone went out, picked out flowers, and took care of them long enough to give them to me.

I bring this up because I had no idea what to do with flowers that were given to me.  They are pretty.  That is so nice.  I now have flowers polluting my house are just dying over time.  They were used for one reason- to put a smile on my face.  Now that their job is over, they no longer have a job.

That is a lie though.  We are taught that we should always be giving.  What if our entire lives were to reach one goal?  Or to make someone smile once?  It'd be pretty pointless.  We must keep making others smile, we must keep giving.

What I did with those flowers was give them away.  I removed what was close to dying, and gave away the flowers to make someone else smile, and I asked them to do the same thing.  From one boutique of flowers, we made 5 people smile, not just one.  I invite you to keep giving flowers whenever they are given to you- there is no specific occasion necessary!

Been Gone for So Long

Sorry for being out of touch with the world!  I had a dance performance, got a boyfriend, went to prom, graduated, had my candidate Katie be confirmed, this that and the other thing.  I have over 200 new photos on facebook from the last 2 weeks!

So I thought I'd post something sort of awesome.

Article on our graduation, and Aaron and I making the picture for it!

I know I know you're all jealous.

And ANOTHER New Song

I realized I haven't actually posted this yet when I meant to.  This is one of my best I think.

Unscripted Me

House lights dim down,
red curtain rises,
audience ready for new surprises.
What story shall we tell tonight?
An abstract Samson and Delilah,
the original Romeo and Juliet.
The story we choose,
the one we create,
will come to life when our gaze meets.

CHORUS:
When the curtain comes down,
will you still call me yours?
Will you turn and go home,
as if we're not one anymore?
I ain't no temptress in a ball gown,
or a juliet on a balcony steep,
I ain't no actress nor a tease,
when I say I love you,
I'm unscripted me.

From a choreographed dance of 50,
to a tea time for 3,
my make up slowly fades,
from the gaze of 1050.
But its the fire in your eyes,
that causes my passion to rise,
as you lean in for the kiss every night,
sweeping the audience off their feet,
I find it difficult to feel
the ground beneath me.
Walking on air was never my specialty.

CHORUS

Lovers who separate on chance,
or lovers who meet on glance.
To my slippers of glass,
to your upright class.
What story shall we tell tonight?
Shall we make the audience cry,
or shall we cause them fright?
The standing ovations,
are just the distractions,
to my true obligations.

CHORUS

I ain't no actress nor a tease.
When I say I love you,
when I say I love you,
I'm simply,

unscripted me.

New Song

Well okay... the song is "sort of" new.  I've had it around for a while, but too lazy to do anything with it.  So here it is...

Can You Hear Me?

Have you heard the news?
have you seen the joy?
we thought we were screwed,
we thought we were just toys.
Thank you they said,
and out with ya.
The high praises
after the clashes and changes,
all they could say was out with ya,
out with ya I say.

Chorus:
I am a person of action,
where I go I carry change,
I carry hope, satisfaction,
I claw through the reactions.
I provide where I am needed,
and once the warmth of spring,
I leave when the birds sing.

Have you heard the birds sing?
have you felt the caged ringing?
No you have not, let me explain.
Birds cannot sing when in pain.
They can cry and scream,
they also sleep and dream.
In peace in peace I teach them to rebel,
I bring them their dreams, awake and real,
more more,
again again,
I feel it.

CHORUS

Can you feel it?
It chills the bones.
It chills my soul.
Chills the very brink of my being.
Can you feel it?
Bursting at the seems.
Thats your song,
thats your song to sing.
Now that my job is complete,
I must go, I must leave.

CHORUS

Can you hear me?

Nice Guys

This rant is probably the most beautiful things I have ever read.  So first, you must read it before I continue on.

http://www.stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html

I have been trying for a good month now to fathom how to write an ode to all the nice guys, and I wish I was lying.  But its the truth.  I have thought time and time again how I have no guy friends this year, and I understand why.  Many of them felt it was time to be jerks, because they wouldn't get laid otherwise.  I guess its true, and I do not have an answer to why.  Also, I have hormones.  I have hooked up with many of my good guy friends, and it saddens me because you now create an air that cannot be taken back.

I wanted to create this post as a follow up to honestly and truly say, I'm sorry.  I am so sorry because I have been that girl.  That hypocritical clueless girl.  I have been the flirt, I have been the girl needing an ego boost, I have been the girl who knows full well that I am treating you badly, and not changing my ways.  I have also been that girl who has dated the wrong guy time and time again.  And why I am truly sorry, is because I am still that girl.  I'm sorry I haven't figured it all out, and I still haven't.

What I loved most about this rant is the undying hope expressed.  I ask to please please please, do not give up on me, I am still learning.  I can't explain why I've done the things I have done, but I can express that you have saved my life time and time again, taking the bullet that sometimes even I have fired.  You are truly a man, a husband, a friend, and a selfless lover.  Do not give up hope, we do grow up.  I will grow up.  And one day, I will be choosing you.

Thank you, for I can't live without you.

Happy Easter!

I wish all of you a Happy Easter- all of those who still read my blog that is.

I just experienced the best Triduum this year.  I will always love the Paulist Center when it comes to services, they always do it right.  I had the honor of helping out in the background for Holy Thursday, but I was able to attend Good Friday and Easter Vigil as an onlooker.

Holy Thursday is the celebrating of Jesus' final feast with his friends.  At the last supper, he washes everyones feet.  As a symbol of community and unity through "intimacy and love" as Father Paul put it, we washed everyone's feet in the chapel.  This meant that everyone had their feet washed, and they washed someone else's.  What I loved was Father Paul's homily, about how we should be creative with how we show our love towards another person.  I don't know why, but his term "creativity" will stick with me for a while, because thats what Jesus used to express his love.  At the end of the service, we went to the basement, were a worship space was created.  And we sang together as a community "Stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray, watch and pray."  This brought me back to MMA, and it hurt so bad.  I wanted to cry but I couldn't, and I kept telling myself to save it for the Tenebrae Service.

The Tenebrae Service is my favorite every year.  Its at night on Good Friday.  I spent all year waiting for it, wanting to get all my emotions out then.

There was no Tenebrae Service this year.

Oh well... maybe next year.

The Paradoxical Zen

  As I pull out my pen and paper, a hidden excitement dawns in me, something that has laid dormant for so long.  I love writing, its a little passion of mine that I have only picked up recently, but something I do hope to continue.  Then, when I have a pen and blank sheet at my ready, I freeze.  Well, damn, I have nothing to write about.

  But I don't move to put my stuff back.  I sit so still, debating with my own self.  Allowing my thoughts to eat me up whole.  I have so many personal experiences I can get out, that I can describe in vivid, beautiful details.

  I can write about what has broken me this past year, with the layoffs, lack of theater, and failing of classes.

  I can write about my travels, out to CA and back, my cancellation in Chicago, my trip to MN, my road trips.

  I can write about my future, about St. Kate's and the physical therapy program, minoring in Theology and so forth.

  As I spiral in a whirlwind of my past, present, and future of my life, I come to a simple conclusion.  What do people want to hear?  Who will even read it to begin with?  Should I give what I want, or what they want?  Do my experiences get the credit they deserve being voiced by myself, using everyones' eyes' and ears' as a writing tool?

  Probably not.  Maybe I won't do them justice.  Maybe I have never done justice by writing them to begin with.  So lets back track to square one.

  I love writing.  Let's hope I can do that justice.

  I must retract myself from my mind eventually, its only so long until someone worries.  I come back to my pen and blank sheet.  Smiling, I gently pack up my materials.

"Maybe Tomorrow."

A Belated Update On My Life

It's been a couple of weeks since I last updated.  There is a lot to cover I guess.

My Valentine's Day was amazing!  I got in the mail 4 cards and a mix CD from Adam.  The cards were filled inside and out from him writing so much.  It was the sweetest thing, and I felt so bad I didn't do anything for him.  But he does plan to visit on the 26th-31st.... in two weeks I think?  Roughly?  We are cleaning away here trying to be ready for that.

I'm so glad our CRLS Theater group moved on to Semi Finals!  Me and Michael did the sweetest thing for them.  We made 48 goody bags for the entire cast, and put a rose in each one, delivering it to their room at Pre-lims.  And their show was fantastic!  Semi's are this weekend in Andover, and Ipswich will be joining us.  I'm ecstatic because I know a lot of them, and because I get to see Riley again.  Riley is the stage manager there, and I met him last year at Semi's.  We still chit chat and talk, and it will be great to see him once again.

I also recently teched for our Dance Show on backstage left headset.  We came to the conclusion that our dance company does NOT get enough credit for what they deserve.  And I hope many of them continue dance in the future.

Senioritis

Senioritis is getting the best of me.  Today, to avoid not turning in a project I just slept.  A lot.  And instead went to Starbucks to read.

Today, I meant to finish that project.  I slept already, and got myself up to do the project.

I am seriously bored to tears, I am falling asleep at the computer.

I am just going to not turn it in tomorrow morning and hopefully start it early enough tomorrow and just email it to her saying my printer is broken, which is stretching the truth.

I just hope this doesn't worsen like it did in Modern World History last semester where I actually failed.

It has also come to my attention that scholarships for my school are due Wednesday at 3pm.  Well... crap on a stick.  I'm just going to go sleep and rest up for tomorrows haul.

Conflict

After much inner conflict I have decided.  It's not that I am having a problem with what I want, its acquiring what I want.  One thing is clear: I want him.  Second thing I want: to not make a wrong move.  But seriously, if he wants me, if YOU want me, come get me.  I won't know unless you take initiative.

When talking to Sam I had hit another conclusion about myself.  About why I don't want to take initiative anymore.  If I ask you out, or kiss you, I don't want you to like me because you are appreciated by someone.  I want you to go out with me or kiss me because you actually want me for who I am.  Is it really too much to ask?

Jean messaged me saying she has "information."  Basically meaning, she talked to Eric.  Oh yay, moment of truth: is Becky off her rocker?

Maybe I'm just picky.  I've been hurt, I know that.  I just don't want to be hurt again.  Maybe I am just not ready.

I feel bad because I never meant to make Adam second in my life.  I don't want to waste what we have, and by no means make him second.  But at the same time I am in need of contact.  I can't have Adam right now, because he is 3000 miles away.  It makes it difficult when I need someone to hold my hand or hold me tight to take away my burdens.

But as I said, I'm right here.  Come get me if you want me.  You have 58 school days left.

Random Poem

It can drive a man insane,

dreaming of days without pain.

It's not a matter of wrong or right,

love or fight,

desire for flight.

It's a matter of an end in sight,

to dream of life,

faith in "might."

A man must follow his heart,

not his mind.

But what do you do,

when your heart can't tell time?

What I Want

It's been a while since I last updated, but its been one hectic week.  I'm excited for vacation, that officially begins after school on Friday the 13th, irony that hits us in the face basically.  Also ironic is our school celebrating Valentine's Day on Friday the 13th, so its all sorts of funno.

For the first time, ever in the history of knowing Eric, we hung out.  We sat by the river and talked, playing a massive game of Never Have I Ever.  We also ate, and walked and hung out in the park.  It was nice, I got to see a side of Eric that I felt I have missed before.  Mostly because I never took the time out of my schedule to care.  It was nice to get some closure on many curious topics, such as him and Ivy when they dated.  It was seriously hard for me, I found myself falling for him like I did back freshman year.  "It's funny how physical distance can change a relationship," as he put it.  He's right.  Ever since Ivy got to him first, with asking him out, I distanced us because it was painful.  For two years, he was removed from my life.  Over time I got over it.

I regret that.  I wish I had the guts to ask him out freshman year, or the guts to even kiss him or just get close to him when hanging out with him on Saturday.  I keep having this feeling that its too late, that maybe I should let what happened, or didn't happen, between us die.  But at the same time, I feel like he's trying to revive what we had.  I'm torn.  I am completely torn... and I get the same vibe from him, that he is torn too.

There was a time in my life where I walked miles to see him.  Not to sound stalkerish.  I remember freshman year he invited me to a recital of his, and he thought I wouldn't show.  I was poor, didn't know how to get there.  I walked 3 miles to attend it, and 3 miles to get home.  And yet, I still didn't have the guts to act on my emotions.

There is a part of me that wants to tell him its not too late, but there's another part that wants me to remember that I don't want to be the initiative.  I have ALWAYS been the initiative in all my relationships and hook-ups.  I want to be surprised, swept off my feet for once, even if I deny them.

I'm hitting a point where I don't know what I want anymore, and it scares me.

There Will Be Time

I'd write more posts, but my hands are cramping major.  "Why are your hands cramping?"  Simple.  I have been writing a lot of letters, handwritten, to friends whom are seniors.  "Why are you writing letters?"

Thats more complicated.

I had realized how close graduation was.  So I took the time to count how many school days (not weekends or vacations) until our final exams, until our graduation date.  We have 63 days left.  As a joke I also counted how many Mondays we have left, being that we always complain how much Mondays suck.  We only have 15.

Holy. Shit.

I am so scared, I have so many friendships with people that have come and gone throughout the years.  In the hallways I see people whom I have grown accustom to, whom I have known since kindergarten, middle school, or just this year.  Some I haven't even gotten the chance to know.

I have taken a variety of classes, from CP to AP levels, from classes more centered on freshmen to more centered on seniors, to arts to academics to extroverted to introverted.  Because of the variety, I have met so many different people.  Most of them I shy away from in the hallways now.

I have always told myself (or others have said to me,) "There will be time to hang out.  We will make time next weekend.  We'll go when the weather is better.  I had a sudden appointment, but we will keep in touch, promise."  I tell you now, there is no more time.  We are out of time.  Have you ever taken the time out of your day to tell someone close to you how much you love them and appreciate them?  "When is the right time," you ask?  Well I ask you, is there a wrong time?  You have had weeks, months, years, to tell them.  Now you only have 63 days.  You are limited.  Most of my graduating class I will never see again after they walk that stage.  Some of them might have been close friends.  So to everyone I have met, thank you, for helping me be the person I am today.  Whether I have known you for years, or for a few days.  You took time out of your day to let me be a part of it, and that is more than I have done for others.

This is why I have been writing letters, because it's time.  The time is now.

If you do not receive a letter do not be offended.  These are difficult to write, and I'm trying to get to everyone.  But that doesn't me I can reach everyone.  The days are going by fast, and my hands can't keep up.  Just because you don't receive one, it doesn't mean I love you.  Because I do.

And so I hope I can tell you all, as a sending out, the following quote.  To our future.

"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough.  On occasion, some may be correct.  But do no do their work for them.  Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal.  Don't take it personally when they say "no"- they might not be smart enough to say "yes."

How are you going to spend this time?

Repetitive Days...

I'm stuck in the lab again pretending to work. We have a sub which is all good I guess. I also forgot my phone this morning, and need to get to a Doctor's App... somewhere in MGH area. So if I'm not around all day/night? I'm wandering the streets of Boston. Just FYI. I'll probably head home first, right afterschool to grab my phone. But the more I think about it, the less of a good idea it becomes.

Virginia keeps suggesting I apply for a job at Goodwill in Davis. So I'll probably do that, organizing all the junk in the back. They say they really need staff for weekends. Thats extremely convenient because I can work the most on weekends and I can walk there from my house. I hope to grab that app sometime in my near future. It's difficult because whenever I have time to, its most likely closed. They close early, 6pm on weekdays, 7pm on weekends. Probaby so they can organize all the junk in the back for the next day.

I miss earning money, it was so relaxing to have a place to be other than school or home. I also owe money to peeps, so I need to get that down ASAP. ($608 doesn't just disappear off your name so easily.)

It's interesting how my life is run solely on school at the moment. Before, my life was "Homework time before 2nd period, homework time before 3rd period, FOOD/more homework time, APUSH, theater theater theater theater sleep, maybe food." That was an example of my day basically. Now my life is "Coffee, notes, homeroom/homework, chill, chill, food, dance, home, sleep, wake up, eat, sleep." Do you know how much I miss my old schedule? My life is so dull, theres nothing going on anymore. I want more excitement =/

Day Dreaming My Life Away

I usually nap when I get home, its always been my sleeping pattern.  Come home, sleep, get up and do stuff, sleep again.  Thats what happened today.  I came home, went to bed at 4, woke up at 10, and will probably go back to sleep after this post.  Yesterday was a disaster plan.  I decided to try and nap at roughly 6pm.  I never slept.  I instead rolled around day dreaming.

All I could think about was how my Valentines Day is going to be so hard for me to cope with.  Valentine's Day has always been one of my favorite holidays, and even though I never had a Valentine, I always found the best in it.  It's even my confirmation name.

The problem is that I am madly in love with someone, in California.  He is 3,000 miles away.  For the first time I have a lover I want to spend my V Day with, and I physically can't.

I spent that whole time in bed dreaming up vivid possibilities (that are actually theoretically impossible) of how I can go to California some how, some way, to spend V Day with Adam.  My thoughts then streamed into how Adam can come here, or how he will surprise me on my door step.  I know this won't happen.  Yet my mind continued to torture me with the "What if."

I only laid down for an hour, because I felt sick.  I was so frustrated and anxious to just come back to reality, I wanted to scream.  I texted Adam on and off, and he said "Watch the mailbox, both digital and literal."  I wish I could appreciate that more.  I wasn't happy, just disappointed.  And I shouldn't be.  It is so sweet that he is thinking of me for V Day.  But I much rather watch the door than the mailbox.

When talking to Adam later that night/morning (we hung up at around 2:30AM) I told him my dreams in detail, all the way up to "watching the door."  After much silence, he spoke hesitantly, "Did I tell you how I tried to work out a plan, to surprise you on Valentine's Day?"

Not at all.  He never mentioned an idea like this once.  He continued to tell me how for the past month he was doing all the money calculations, and conversing with Jean, and looking at his school syllabuses and looking at his own schedule to come up with a plan to be here on V Day.  The only problem?  He doesn't have the money to do it.

I feel terrible for saying/thinking this.  "Why don't you borrow it from a friend or family member?  They know you will have a job soon."  This is EXACTLY why I am in debt in the first place.  Reid was so kind to let me borrow money from him, and he knew I had a job so it wouldn't be long to pay him back.  Now I am jobless and in debt to him.

I understand I am setting myself up for disappointment.  But I can either fight my day dreaming, or just go along with it.

I will be watching the door this Valentine's Day.

Zinch.com!

Hey so I recently signed up for Zinch.com, which is close to Facebook in format.  What you do is you fill out your profile as much as you can, and colleges then review your profiles.  Also with your profile, the website decides whether you qualify for:

Sweet-diggity-dawg Scholarship ~ $20,000

Ammunition for Tuition Scholarship ~ $25,000

2010 Scholarship ~ $2,000

2011 Scholarship ~ $2,000

And other great scholarships through colleges.

I ask you to sign up because:

1) This is a brilliant site.

2) Scholarship Opportunities.

3) Colleges get a chance to look at what you have to say more than what you have done.

4) I recieve MONEY for every time someone signs up and fills out a profile more than 30%.

PLEASE anyone join this site, I need the money as many of you know.  Also, its a great site!

http://www.zinch.com/Anonymous/StudentRegister.aspx?affid=579663

^^I receive money if you use that link.^^

Thanks!  I hope you take up the opportunity to do this!  I highly suggest you do this if you are also a junior in highschool, but seniors is good too.

PS It's a great procrastination tool.

High School Drawback

I am getting the worst case of senioritis. I have yet to do one piece of homework at home, and I have perfect 100s in all my classes up to date. This saddens me quite honestly.

Right now I am supposed to be studying about African Sleeping Sickness. Something I have never heard of. For a project that is due next Thursday. I currently have Wikipedia open behind this window. We have all the class time to research, for the next week. This project, reminds me of freshman year. This is supposed to be a hard class. What bullshit. The teacher treats us like children, and doesn't challenge us. We give her obvious hints that we are not learning anything, that we are not being challenged, and she completely misses it. If she tried to motivate me then I might be more excited.

I also have to take French 2, which is mostly sophomores and freshmen. I do the homework right before class, it is so easy. The phrase "bored to tears" has never been more exact in describing my feelings towards this class. For the freshman and sophomores, its probably difficult. I really don't know. But for my level of understanding, its boring as all hell.

Its difficult to concentrate, but Adv. Dance & Choreography is hard to keep focus in. It's extremely fun and relaxing to get my creativity out, but I'm also impatient because I have dance ideas I want to start!! It's also difficult for me to grasp that this is a class I will be graded for because she treats it like an extracurricular activity.

The only class I have taken seriously thus far, is Exercise Physiology. Want to know why? Ms. Augustine treats us like adults. And I'm glad. I am actually learning something in her class, although the textbook is written for juniors and seniors in college. She is the only teacher preparing me for college at this point, and I'm glad I have a teacher like her at this point in my life. She motivates us to read the text, and to take notes, at our own will. But her grading system is very heavy on the tests, so we must participate so when we study we aren't hurting ourselves more than we need to.

I wish we had more teachers that treated us like adults. Some teachers try and keep us as kids, because they feel we "aren't ready to grow up yet." (Ms. Miceli.) Some teachers treat us like kids because sometimes we act like some. What they don't understand is we will not be adults until you treat us as adults. Tell us what you expect from us not as students, but as students who will enter the real world momentarily. I see my teachers more than anyone else in my life some weeks, they are my example. Please please please, treat us as adults, and we might just be closer to being prepared, than our senioritis would allow us.

On a side note, we should of had school off yesterday. I have never walked through worst weather in my life. My boots are broken, the bottom of one just sort of fell off. And so I was up to my ankles in freezing water, in my own boots. I lost feeling in them to a point where I couldn't walk, as I was also trying to balance on ice, while fighting wind, and rain, and hail, and snow. It was a shit day. We also should have had school off today because the ice was terrifying. My mom offered me a ride today, and she never offers me a ride ever. So my highschool sucks. End.

Couple of the Year Award

If anyone goes to CRLS, I think we can all agree that Sydney Blaxill and Paris Ellsworth make the most adorable couple ever. Seeing them together makes girls cringe in jealousy, and guys look away in shame. Everyone dreams of this type of relationship at an early age. They have been dating for only... 2 months now? Maybe 3? They are not only adorable, but they are both extremely talented, extremely gorgeous, and extremely loving people. They are the teenagers that go about life problemless (in your mind anyway.) I'm sure they do have problems, but this isn't what I'm writing about.

As I have said the last two blog posts, I am spending my time in In House Suspension. It just so happens that Paris is spending it with me. After lunch, Sydney snuck in to give Paris homework. I also feel guilty for staring, because they always are so happy to see each other. You know how couples glow? In each others' presence? Thats them in a nutshell. So Sydney recites the homework, never leaving Paris' gaze, and then switches into Paris' needs. "Can I grab you anything? I feel bad that you're here... I have free time. Honestly, I'll get you something." Paris of course, was doing the humble "No, thanks" answer. Eventually Sydney leaves, with no response from Paris.

She later comes by, hanging out the hallway waiting for Paris to turn around. She had went and got Paris a large chocolate chip cookie, and an expensive one at that. It was the sweetest thing honestly. Everyone in this room was definitely jealous. I know I was.

This reminds me of another time these two had an adorable incident. When the Dance Works performance had ended, and all the dancers were changing and trickling upstairs to mingle with their audience. I found Sydney to tell her about her exquisite dance skills (which she does have!!!) and she appeared quite distant. I didn't realize I was keeping her from finding Paris. Feeling kind of bad I kept a look out, but he found her first. He came from behind and said "Theres my star." It sounds so so so cheesy in text, and probably would too if I recited the story to you. But because of how happy he was, and how serious he meant it, not hint of disbelief or doubt in his voice, it was heart warming. I felt loved. I could feel it off of them. As they beamed as usual. Of course, this was the first time I saw them kiss... and I felt like a little girl again, waiting for my dreams to come true.

And also, just now, I realized Paris is still wearing his necklace that Sydney gave him. Its a shell on a string. Kind of a reminder to him of the musical and of Sydney... thats cute =)

So even though we are only in January, they win the Couple of the Year Award in my book. Couples like them make me overly jealous, and faithful in love. =D

Faith Destroying Teachers

What. The Fuck. I was sitting here about to do a different blog post, but thought I'd post that later because it can wait. As I was sitting here on the computer typing away, trying to entertain myself, this teacher walked in to give a quiz to Rebecca.

Rebecca, is a patient, sweet student. She can be a bitch if she needs to be, but very understanding of everyone, and she would be the last person to talk trash.

Rebecca is asking the teacher for help, and it caught my attention when the teacher blatently turned away, giving Rebecca the silent treatment.

"Wait... how do I find (blank) if it doesn't tell me (blank)?" The teacher rudely turned around and said "Well, why don't you wait and look at the directions." This blog cannot convey how spiteful that response was. Everyone turned around. To see how Rebecca would respond. She was caught of guard, as anyone would, and was ready to fight back. Instead, she took a breath, and read the instructions. As she did the teacher was reciting the instructions as if Rebecca couldn't read. When Rebecca looked up, she was confused, but went back in to read it again.

This teacher is nuts. As Rebecca was rereading, the teacher started shaking her head and said "You're stupid. If you can't get it by now you are damn stupid. What are you going to do in college? You ain't gonna get any help. Just stupid."

We all were ready to rash her. I was ready to rash her.

She better get out of my school, because there is no room for that sort of disrespect from authority. Not on my watch, bitch.

In-House Suspension

THIS SUCKS ASS.

I'm here at the computer right now, and I am the only senior in the room. So Filo has respect for me to some degree. I guess this helps because I can now work on scholarships for this week instead of stressing over the homework. Or I can still procrastinate by writing in this blog.

HM.

In other news I'm wicked excited for Valentine's Day because I know what I'm doing for Jean... even though she is busy doing stuff for Cody. I got her a card and plan to steal more Dove chocolates, stick it in a vase with a single rose! It's gonna be brilliant I tell ya. I kind of wish someone would do something mildly romantic for me one day. But that's okay, I got time.

This is rather difficult to write because Filo keeps standing over my shoulder, so I'll finish this up later. Bring on the scholarships!

Why so much hate?

http://www.dailynewstribune.com/state/x716057381/Controversial-Westboro-Baptist-Church-plans-Mass-protests.  This, is gonna happen at my school.

I don't understand.  Why would a church of God, of trying to love like Jesus, be so full of hate?  God made all of us.  You are hating God's creations too.  I took the liberty to look up the text from Romans, Chapter One.  It is what's used as reference in the Bible as to why "God hates fags."

"Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.  They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator- who is forever praised. Amen.  Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts.  Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.  In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another.  Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the dull penalty for their perversion."  (Romans 1: 24-27)

Lines 24 and 25 are centering at how a group of people forgot God.  Forgot to praise him, and love him as the Creator, and took life for granted.  Forgetting that in exchange for their gifts, they must reproduce.  God allowed them to follow their "evil" selves, by following their lusts.  That.  Is the sin.  The sin with being Gay is that it is "only lust."  This is the problem.  What if you were madly in love with someone of the same sex?   Personally, that is not a sin, because you are taking a hold of the love granted to us by God.  The Bible always uses extreme circumstances to make a point.  Always, in order to prove a moral.  In order to provide a true example of lust and forgetfulness of mankind when dealing with reproduction, homosexuality proved to be the best example.

Who is to say you cannot praise God and be in love with someone who is of the same sex?  Again.  Forgetting to praise God for everything is the number one sin.

"Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."  (Romans 1:32)

This is by no means a relation to homosexuality.  This is in relation to rejecting God.  You can reject God by taking him/her/it for granted, and for following only after lust.  This group of people that are homosexual, in the Bible, were considered every disgusting thing imaginable, for disregarding God.  This does not make them evil, vicious, or cruel.  This is a group of people whom are homosexual to prove a point: life isn't about lust, its about love.  Homosexuality, does not change that.

For You Aaron

I typed "Funny Cat Picture" into google.  This is my result.  This is for you Aaron.

Scholarships

I have FIVE scholarships I need to apply for and complete in the next week.  Only two of them are not essays.  So frankly, I have 3 essays to write.  I must research on them intensely, because they are all subjects in need of research (Middle East Civil Rights, Peace in Humanity, Bible in America...)  The other two are pretty easy peasy.  First one just being a simple application for Wal-Mart's scholarships.  The second one is either a video, picture, or blog post of what life will be like 4 years from now as Obama being our president.  That's my fave scholarship =)

Sadly, this week I must also be applying for a job, ANY job, around Cambridge so I can pay off college.

But seriously, if you don't see me for a week, this is why.

I also broke my glasses =(

Universe Hates Me

This week has been wicked hard to get through.  We started new classes, and they are utterly painful.  Mostly because I don't have Jean in any of my classes.

The other day I waited for her for 3 hours in Starbucks.  Knowing that if I left, she'd show up right after, so I just waited.  She had to do costumes, so I gave her time.  I promised her I'd wait.  During that time I did get some homework done and had gotten to know Aaron better.  Anyways, now at 6PM she comes and saves me from Starbucks, where I had been since 2:30, and we walked.  We made it 2 blocks before we ran into Ayo, Quinn, and Meghan (?).  Ayo automatically drifted to Lydia, Jean automatically drifted to Quinn and Meghan.  I had no one to talk with.  Yet, no one gave a shit.  I tried joining in Lydz and Ayo's conversation- Lydz talked over me.  I then drifted to Jean and Quinn's conversation- Quinn talked over me.  They were discussing about Monica, and I tried so hard to be a part of this theater discussion, and I failed quite miserably.  It was as if I wasn't allowed to be a part of anything theatrical.  Fine.  As I walked ahead I was frustrated and ashamed for 3 reasons: 1) I have become socially dependent on Jean.  2) I was turned down by my best friend for a boy, although I waited 3 hours.  3) Once you are not a part of theater, you can not be a part of the group.

So the next day I tried to reenter myself into Tech.  I decided that I might be a happier person if I do tech again, even though I am slightly conforming.  Everyone told me I would be able to travel when doing tech again, which is quite the booster.  Virginia said they would make sure I travel.  Joanne broke that optimism though, when she indirectly told me I wouldn't be able to travel.  I found myself crying in the bathroom over my stupidity, I felt so stupid to think I could just reenter myself into theater.  I found myself screaming at Jean about how I don't want to be used and abused anymore, that if I DO something, I get SOMETHING in return.  Tech, would not give me what I wanted in return.  I also screamed about how I don't want to be a part of the stupid theater group and they could all go to hell, or some bullshit.  I don't really remember.

So I'm back to searching for a job, because I am poor and owe $608 to people, and have to deal with college.  But the bright side is I got a $34,000 scholarship, and it will be paid $8,500 a year.  Also if I visit the campus, they will reimburse me for $200 of it.  That's something right?

Make the Snow Go Away!

I am so. sick. of. this. snow.  We have so much of it its ridiculous.  I never considered it, but in the movies you always see snow falling, or kids playing and laughing in it, or some heaps of it.  Lemme tell you, if you do not know, its a bitch.  Snow is a down right bitch after it falls.  YES you can go sledding and have snow ball fights and woo.  But its also a hassle to shovel, and keep off the sidewalks.  It ices over, turns brown and disgusting, and if not careful, can very easily cause you injury.  Or wet socks.  PLEASE someone make it all go away.  I'm tired of seeing snow on the sides of the sidewalks half my height!!!

Past that.  I am not heading to school because I have a Dentist Appointment.  Yay fillings.

Landmark Day

Today, is the first day of my last semester as a highschool student.  My last semester at CRLS.  My last semester before my education is no longer free.  It will be my last, first highschool day.  My classes are by no means senior slacker classes, which scares me because I already have senioritis!!!!  But thats okay.  I'll live it out.  My classes for this semester are:

HN Exercise Physiology - runs close to my major (Physical Therapy), wouldn't switch out for the WORLD.

HN French 2 - I hope to continue French in college, although I took French a year ago...

Epidemiology - I've been dying to take this class freshman year, but its realllly heavy duty stuff, I might switch out, but I have nothing to switch into either.  So we'll see.

HN Adv. Dance Technique & Choreography - I can finally learn how to create my own dances and perform it in front of people =)  Something I have been dying to do for a while.

Also today, Obama is now officially our president.

We had been told, in 3rd period, to leave and return to our homerooms.  My homeroom's TV couldn't work, so we joined up in Ms. Mili's room, with two other homeroom classes.  We gathered around the shit TV, that we had to use an antennae for.  It kept going fuzzy and going in and out from black & white to color.  But we saw it.  And we did it.

Never have I felt more confident in where I am going, thanks to Obama, and thanks to my school.  I'm ready.

"We are willing to give you a hand, if you are willing to unclench your fist."

Once Upon a Time (Poem)

I wrote this after my long plane ride back from Sonoma, CA visiting Adam.  It is short, and was never really completed persay.  But I like it just as much.

Once Upon a Time

Walking hand in hand, putting present realities aside.

The warmth of the sun is welcomed, as the chill wind subsides.

The steps flow in a harmonious manner,

dancing to the rhythm of their heartbeats.

The bob in his step, the sway in her stride,

the sparkle in their eyes suddenly meet.

He breathes in as she breathes out, the fresh air so damp,

This is the story of two silly kids,

once upon a time at camp.

Human (Poem)

I wrote this a while back in a rush.  But I really enjoyed it.

Human

It's the only weapon,

that allows those to cry in peace,

bleed at ease,

harm yet please.

Causes the wrathful to weep,

the dead to breathe,

the restful to sleep.

Brings joy to the dying,

laughter to the crying,

truth to the lying.

Brings miracles to the faithless,

resentment to the faithful,

answers to the confused.

Causes the blind to see,

the deaf to hear,

the lame to dance,

the child to mature,

the elder to reflect,

the dictator to regret.

Music is what allows the man to be human.

Words of Wisdom

I wrote this on a Facebook Note early yesterday, and felt it would be best to transfer it here.

To anyone who decides to read this long note, (I apologize if this is hard to read, I had only one hour of sleep and should be sleeping right now),

I have just spent my weekend at a Unitary Universalist Social Action Conference, aka a UU SAC Con.  This is only my second Con, but my first real heavy duty Con.  I have learned a lot and found a lot of answers to my questions that I have been needing for some time.  But I could write a long heart wrenching note about this weekend, and that is not why I am writing this.

I am writing this because I had overheard something that I want to share with all of you, something that has been implanted on my heart.  Something that hit me at the most perfect time in my life.  In order to express its perfection, I will try, in brief, to explain my situation up to date.

My life before the Con.  I owe a friend $400.  I owe my parents $180.  I owe another friend $20.  I am attending a $34,000 per year college come Fall.  I have failed a class for the first time in my life.  My college told me I did not get the large scholarship (something I have been praying for and was in serious need of), probably because of my failing class.  I have focused this semester, as well as my summer, staying up late, until sunrise sometimes, trying to help friends, family, or camp mates in need of support in some shape or form.  I told someone I preferred them dead, and I'd say it again, and I will never forgive them, and I'm afraid the higher beings will never come to forgive me for it.  I have given up theater, a large aspect of my life, to have a job, a simple job that will ease the costs and the stresses of my life.  That job was all I had.  It was my hope that maybe, just maybe, it will all be okay.

I was laid off Friday night at 5PM.  Almost immediately I called Jean, who then arranged for me to attend to Con, which I was at by 7PM.  I was shattered upon arriving, I felt the universe was playing games with me.  I felt betrayed.

At the end of the Con, never have I felt more that everything will be okay.  I had the ability to help those who had so much built up in them, they had no idea how to release it until then.  I also had been graced with the ability to cry, to just let it all out, in the arms of someone I had just met.  This, is community.

Much more obviously happened, stuff I am willing to share, and stuff I want to keep confidental, but not right now.  It's too soon.  So fast forewarding.

I was trying to finish up cleaning, so we can have our closing circle before everyone left.  I had also been in a rush, I wanted to continue writing little notes to put in people's mailbags.  So I entered the worship space to go clean out the bathroom on the opposite side of the place.  There was a minister, who was practicing his lecture, speech, sermon, whatever it may be called.  I was trying to be a ninja, do a quick dash and run.  But I stopped when he said the following: Why isn't it enough?

I felt my heart stop, and I whirled around.  I then plopped myself down in a pew, and listened to what he had to say.  The following is not word for word, but its the best to my memory.

"Why isn't it enough?  Why must we cause suffering on ourselves, to just take away the suffering of others?  How come we are not enough?  Why must 'lose ten pounds' or 'write in a journal' or 'be graduate school educated' be in our vocabulary, or our community's, or yours?  Why can't the simple talk, or the simple hug, or the simple catch throwing with dad, be enough?  Why isn't love enough?  Again.  Why, isn't love, enough?

I tell you here and now, Love. Is. Enough.  Could you imagine the world we could live in, if we were reminded that our love is enough to change the world?  Our love is enough to save lives, to comfort the stranger, to care for the sick, to raise a child.  Your love, is enough."

Once he said this, I took up the opportunity of silence to exit quietly, as to continue helping in the cleaning process.  But he was completely right.  Love isn't just a word or a feeling, its an action, a calling to do something greater than you have ever done before.

The love I have received at this Con, was enough for me to realize, that maybe, just maybe, it will all be okay.  It has revived my faith in that everything happens for a reason.  For all I know, I probably had been laid off to go to this Con.  Who knows?

Your love is enough.

Sincerely yours,

Becky

Why a blog?

I figured it was about time I composed a blog.

Lately I have been using Facebook Notes for this type of conquest.  It isn't the same though.

I have been needing a place to not really vent, but to write my experiences in a format close to an essay's I guess.  Something more than "OH ME GEE THIS WAS AMAZING LOLZ ROFL."  A lot of my experiences quite frankly, deserve more credibility than the typical teenage response.

A blog, can do just this.

I hope I can do my experiences in the past, present, and future some justice when writing here.