Personal Stories

Hey so this is extremely late, but I guess its better late then never. I have been wanting to write about my experience at a lecture I had to attend. Why did I have to attend? Because I was taking the St. Kate's first-year core class, "The Reflective Woman." This course requires us to go to this convocation held in the O'Shagnessy on campus. The woman we were going to see was of Hmong descent, an ethnic group I had only just began hearing about when I arrived to Minnesota. This woman, Kao Kalia Yang, wrote a novel called, "The Latehomecomer: A Hmong Family Memoir," about her grandmothers experience in her forced transformation from Hmong to American.

When arriving at the O'Shag, I was worried because I didn't know what I was in for. But at the end I was heart broken and fascinated at the many stories I only briefly heard. I had felt so empowered, inspired, and motivated to share my stories. Here are some notes I took, which were taken only in the times I wasn't crying.

-A human story is more powerful that the places, language, and culture that shape it.
-American is no longer the answer to the questions.
-We do the best decision we know how to make.
-From the sky I will come again.
-When little she had to imagine what the inside of a movie theater looked like to fit in.
-There's a difference between whispering to get by and speaking to be heard.
-All we have to give in this world are stories.
-There is no reason to forget the people who make us better.
-The sun rises so I can get a 2nd chance.
-Power is nothing more than having followers of words.
-If we have more understanding in our hearts, the world would be a better place.
-Stories never end.
-We are here to say that history doesn't just happen, but that we stand against it right back.
-If your words are blowing in the right direction, our lives are not lost.
-(Her father said to her) The size of your hands and your feet will not dictate your life.
-(Her father said to her) You are not a child of war, of poverty, by your birth you are a future with hope.
-Write to those who understand, then to those who don't.
-(About her grandmother) She'll never read the story she wrote.
-A writer doesn't just come from a family, they emerge from a community.
-I do not need a definition of love, or of hope, or of belonging. For so long I wanted to belong. But I feel better when I can answer I am here for a reason with a smile on my face.


I hope you could find this as inspiring as I did =)

High School Friendships

I had a wonderful New Years, one of the best I'd say. I had never been into Boston for First Night, so it was a real treat this year to finally be able to. But not only did I go to First Night, I spent it with friends.

When talking to Jean later about this, I mentioned that they weren't "that bad." I said this because we never hung out with them too much until after graduation, and I hoped she felt the same way about this group as I did. And she recalled a conversation we had that I only remember after she mentioned it. I said something along the lines of, "when I come back from college, those are the friends I want to see. Those are the people I want to surround myself with. In all honesty, these are the friends I'll have probably for the rest of my life."

And its true. Although I only really and truly got to know them at the end of Senior Year, they are the people I want to surround myself with. They are the ones I want to hang out with when I come home from Minnesota. They enjoy my company and respect me for who I am. They actually like having me around. I have a great time with them. I can be myself.

Sometimes your closest friends are the ones you least expect.

Goodbye 2009

Here is a toast to a wonderful year!

January:
Fired from my Godiva Job.
Discovered UU church experience.
Had been told I could not work in Festival show, "Sakuntala and the Ring of Recollection."
Received Scholarship for St. Kate's

February:
Gave Jean a jar of Dove dark chocolate with pink roses.
Cried over Adam not coming for Valentines Day.
Touched base with old/new friends who were not a part of Theater.
Was Confirmation Sponsor for Katie

March:
Festival Shows: Went to every showing to show my appreciation (also gave gifts to every cast member)
Adam's Birthday
Had a thing with Riley from Ipswich
Overnight Preview at St. Kate's; stuck in Chicago overnight thanks to United Airlines

April:
Jean's Birthday
Ended things with Riley
Started dating Aaron
Aaron's Birthday
Jean received state award
Jean accepted into AIB with full scholarship
Received job at Broadway Market
Confirmation Retreat
Found my Roommate, Abby

May:
Received prize from school for Movement for the Actor/Athlete
Dance Works performances
Sprained ankle (crutches and cane)
Prom (healed ankle by then)
Katie was Confirmed

June:
Graduation on Harvard Yard
Broke up with Aaron
My Birthday
Registered for Classes at St. Kate's
Working at Protein Forest
Bridging Con at UU Church
Michael leaves

July:
Adam comes out for July 4th weekend
Began running on a regular basis

August:
Sent all of my stuff to Abby
Last Day of work at Protein Forest and Broadway Market
Double Date with Jean and 2 guys from Starbucks (we knew for 4 years)
Hung out with Aaron again after a silent summer
Hung out with MMA peeps =)

September:
Left to Minnesota
Met Abby in person
Moved in to room at St. Kate's
Endured 3 days of Orientation
Went to Cosmic Bingo for the first time
Alexa's Birthday
Met, befriended, and started dating Alexa
Received Social Justice Coordinator job in Campus Ministry

October:
Alexa hit her head and suffered from a concussion and amnesia
Ended things with Adam
Abby's Birthday
Became deadly sick
Alexa became deadly sick
Got a Staff Social Justice Coordinator
Halloween at Alexa's
Dropped out of the Intermediate Latin Course
Midterms

November:
School of the America's Protest
Thanksgiving at home
Paramore Concert
Hung out with the Nerds

December:
Registered for Winter classes
Charity Ball
Finals
Michael arrives home
Spent Holidays with Alexa and her family
Arrived Home
Christmas
New Years Eve in Boston for First Night with the Nerds

And now 2010. Happy New Year everyone =)

Oops

I have so many good posts I wanted to make between midterms and now, but I really didn't have the time. But theres a LOT to recap... so I guess I'll just pick up here. =)

It is day 1 of 2010. Funky stuff. I am sitting at home, at the table, on my computer. I feel like my dad- who is usually sitting here writing away. I wish I had the creativity to write, but I prefer to journal as opposed to writing. I like to reflect on my personal experiences as in depth as possible, and its a slight difference from "writer." I like writing so that the audience may understand my reasoning for actions, or so they may relate to my experience and see it from my perspective. I feel that writers write to get any emotion or reaction from an audience- before they write the scene. I really don't care in how my audience reacts.

Moving on though- I have nothing to write. Sooo on my time off I have spent working, with friends, and on the down time learning some American Sign Language. I think its a time well spent.

Its good to be home friends =)

Midterm Break

I have no classes until Monday.

Finally- a break. I haven't had a time to stop since I got here and its been wearing me down.

I'm going to Alexa's to hand candy out to little children.

I might make a last minute costume.

I might go for a run.

I'll play Rockband.

I'll do laundry.

I'll also study for my Theology quiz and Chemistry Test on that Monday. But eh, I won't worry about those just yet.

I can't wait. =) Only a few more hours on this campus!

Math Talk

While in the Coffee Shop writing about nonsensical things (the last two blog posts to be precise) I overheard a study group. Its so much fun to eavesdrop on math conversations. They speak in a code that is understandable, but not comprehensible. I decided to make a list of everything I heard or could write down. This was 5 minutes of real Math Talk.

-2 and 3 on this side
-P
-Q?
-on D
-missing something
-Always 2nd Guess
-G and then I
-2 and 3 = ?
-on 1
-He was probably right but I didn't understand
-Q Dependent
-on 1?
-2 and 3 = 1
-Always standard function
-Have P and Q
-Still 1
-1 is 1

There's no way I can tell you what the math problem was that they were solving, but I can tell you I recognize everything. Its like being able to label the parts, you just don't know how they work together as one. I think my favorite is the last one, "1 is 1." It is what it is. I guess math can help us learn some philosophical matters of our life. Maybe we just have to listen to the right words.

Minnesota Nice

I don't understand these people.
I don't know how their brains work.
If pushed out of their comfort zone, they'll cry.
If kept in their comfort zone, they'll complain.
When they find someone new in their lives, they hold on for dear life.
If a new relationship?
They must hold on. They fear that they will find no one else after that.

My acts of kindness, scare people.
My care for them, confuses people.
My love towards others, terrifies people.

This is a Catholic community.
We are taught to love unconditionally.

I don't know if its worse where I am from, either to love fully or not at all.
Or if its worse here, loving only with set, limited, conditions.

If I can find a way to combine Massachusetts' of unconditional love towards the ones we hold close, and Minnesota's way of love towards strangers...

I think I will discover something truly beautiful.

Passion

Passion = Power.

If your passion is so strong, you have the power to do anything.

Passion is what drives our world, our lives, our ambitions.

Passion for a better world, love, joy, peace, completeness.

And also a Passion for destruction, pain, money, land.

Passion is easily comparable to Religion. In the right hands it can save our world, or an individual's world. People's lives. Whether you have passion or religion in your life or not, it does have an effect on someone else.

At the same time, Religion and Passion can destroy. In the wrong hands it causes long term pain.

Without Passion, there is no power.

Without Passion or Power, there is no civilization.

No Humanity.

Can Humanity exist without Religion? Or is it just like Passion and Power?

Lucifer Darling

New Song! Enjoyyy.

Lucifer Darling

When the angels had told me,
at those pearly white gates,
That I was blessed to be
loved by He.
I cried and wept,
For God wasn't my lover.
I could only love my Lucifer.

CHORUS:
Lucifer my love,
nothing can stop us.
Devil my dear,
these flames will protect this.
You've been lonely for millennia,
and I've been lonely for years.
Now in Hell we'll dwell,
and in Heaven we'll be.

They damned me down,
damned my poor soul.
They said I was cursed,
they gave me their all.
But it sure was a blessing,
to finally be with you.
They say God can love-
Can't the devil too?

CHORUS

I will protect you,
no more hiding.
I will love you,
no more dying.
You will be cursed no more,
for our love will save you.

CHORUS

For I will bring you peace.

Homesickness

I'm not. At least, I don't think I am. Its hard to say. Everyone expects me to be homesick, and I do feel a little uneasy on the weekends when no one is around to do anything. But I'm okay.

At home I loved to do things on my own. Shopping, walking, riding the train, getting to and from work or school, reading or sitting by the river, eating. I lived by the philosophy of having at least one "me" day, and all the other days of the week be "we" days. This is what I miss. I miss just having my iPod and deciding where I will be going or what I need to get or what I want to do - and actually doing it. I could do it all subconciously - knowing how much money I need, or knowing I have to stop by an ATM on the way, or by a Starbucks. It was something I never had to consider and think about.

I tried to do this when I went to the pharmacy. It was nice, and I'm really glad I had something sort of like home. But it wasn't the same because I wasn't familiar enough that I had to be so aware of my surroundings so I don't get hit by a car, or get lost, or get hit on by the wrong people.

So I miss "me" time. But as much as I miss the company of my family and friends, I'm okay. I can admit that I don't remember what their hugs are like, or what their laughter sounds like, or how they smile, but I know I'll get to see them again soon. And I can tell them all about the friendships and bonds I have made here. I was always told that I adapt well to new surroundings, and I'm easy to get to know. It was tested, and I'd say they are pretty right.

So, I'm okay. And its nice to say that for once.

Silence

I've had an interesting 2 weeks here. I am overloaded with school work and my job and trying to find time to keep in touch with everyone back home, but I am quite satisfied with my time here.

A large part of this weeks topic in my Reflective Woman class is the ability to be heard. Some of my favorite quotes from the book thus far are,
"We must help the oppressed be listened into speech."
"Your silence will not protect you."
"It is our shared commitment toward a world in which the inborn potentialities of so many women's minds will no longer be wasted, raveled-away, paralyzed, and denied."

I've cried over this book on multiple occasions. I'm quite emotional, but its hard when you know you have been that passive girl, allowing yourself to be walked over. And it isn't easy, which is sometimes misunderstood. And most of all, being silent will not make it easier.

But I have a hard time grasping why silence is considered so negative. Sometimes we need to let ourselves be silent. Its hard to listen and speak; how can I listen for the changes necessary when trying to speak them at the same time? Being silent in fear is a negative thing. But being silent in awe, and being silent to let others speak, and being silent so you can embrace the world around you? That is definitely a necessary part of living, that should not be ignored either.

Silence has a sound. We just have to learn to listen for it.

Long Haul

It took weeks and maybe even months to prepare for this moment... but here goes.

I am a college student.

This is when the rest of my life begins.

Its weird. It took a while to settle in, with the opening celebrations and 3 day orientation and classes starting so late. I'm still not completely settled either. I found out I got the Social Justice Coordinator job, so I start work Monday. I still need to get my laundry card. I need to get ink cartridges. Its as if it never ends.

But right now, its nice to say I am here in one piece. I am spending my saturday night alone, since my roommate went home for the weekend. Its pleasant - nice to soak it in.

Heres a toast to a wonderful year.

College Countdown

I'm on an official countdown right now.  I love that facebook application!  For July and June I told myself to take life as it comes and even though I am juggling 2 jobs I can have a good summer too.

And I have.

Now it is August and I still have not finished packing, I need to send stuff to my roommate, I need to order my textbooks, I have to finish my resume to send to Work Study, I don't have enough money as it is so I need more hours, I have to fill out medical forms, I need to sketch out the roadtrip to plan the hotel rooms, I'm donating platelets before I go, I have to find time to buy running sneakers, I must get a haircut...  the list goes on.

Not that I don't mind.  I am overly excited for going.  To start the rest of my life.  To finally meet my roommate and make friends and sing with Lori True and take classes I'll enjoy.  The wait is killing me more.   But at the same time, I need the wait to prepare.

So now my last month here is going to be spent getting ready.  I won't have a chance to say goodbye to many whom I love and cherish because I am so busy getting ready because I put it off for 2 months already.  I'm terrible at saying goodbye.  Or admitting that I won't see anyone to anyones face in particular.

I can't make anymore promises other then- I will be back.

Good Night Moon

You know when your little- how you dream of being a fire truck driver, or a doctor, or an astronaut?

I was never one of those kids.

I guess you can call me a realist- I wanted to be a teacher.  I never looked up at the night sky whispering, "One day..."  I never cared about it.  I've read stories and talked to many who said, "It makes me feel small, and connected with the rest of the world, knowing there is so much out there."  I never had this feeling.  Wherever I was I could look up and point out 2 stars, maybe 5 if I was lucky.  It scared me, knowing that there wasn't much out there, and if anything I felt more disconnected with the world knowing I can't see the things they can.

The first time I saw the "real" Night sky was when I was on my 8th grade feel trip coming back from New York.  I looked up and couldn't count them.  I could make out the big dipper, and spy the North Star.  I was taken aback that maybe I was wrong, and I started weeping to myself as the rest of the bus slept.  I can be a part of the world.  The next times I encountered these moments was on my roadtrips to colleges, to Minnesota, to Pennsylvania, and visiting in California.  Only on a few nights.  I just remember in Ohio, seeing how the highway met the sky, and the stars were a dome surrounding it.  I have never seen it "dome" like this except in a Planetarium.  It was utterly beautiful.

I bring all this up because of when I saw the night sky driving home Wednesday night with my mom.  It was 1AM, and we just finished up work.  I'd look up and there were no stars because the moon was too bright.  But you could see every detail, every line, of the massive cloud in front of it.  I was up against the glass of the window; it looked like I was underwater looking at the waters surface.  I heard myself think,

One Day...

I prayed that I could be younger again, just so I could get the experience of dreaming big.  As if I missed out.  But really?  I haven't missed out at all.  I had a different way to find it.  I just had to catch up to it, and it had to catch up to me.

Beginning of August

I haven't sung at Mass since the last Sunday of June.  The last time I stepped into my church was when Adam was visiting for July 4th weekend.  What I love about my church is it's ability to completely engage the community into its homilies.  July 4th weekend was hard, we went to see the fireworks and walked all the way home from Boston.  Then we got up at 8 to go to 10AM mass.  We were not the only ones half awake.  But the priest went on a beautiful homily that brought us all together, a bit like MMA almost.  He said something along the lines of...

"Jesus didn't 'shed a tear', he looked down on his people and wept.  He sat down, and cried.  Cried to his father, cried for himself, his people.  He grieved for them.  Could you imagine standing there, with Jesus our savior and life, grieving for his people?  Sitting down, and weeping for the tasks to come?  We are told to remind ourselves, 'What would Jesus do?'  I want you to take a moment with Jesus, weeping beside you, and ask yourself, 'What would I do for Jesus?"

In the crowd you could hear sniffles, it was terribly moving.  But it was very intimate and reassuring that maybe sometimes, we must be the miracle.

Which brings me to today.  I went to Mass for the first time this month to sing.  It was great pieces, many of which reminded me of MMA to be honest.  I wore my MMA beads and everything.  One year ago from today, I was sitting with my MMA family singing a Japanese hymn that marked the end of my MMA era.  So that made it even harder.

This homily today, was given by a woman from our community.  I've seen her speak before, and she is just such an inspiration for us, and is a true blessing to have her here.  We celebrated the bread of life, and what that really means.  She mentioned how we find ourselves blaming God, like the Israelites.  They asked for water, and God gave them water, and then they forgot because they were so caught up in what they don't have then what they do.  They forgot the miracles.  They had to wait 40 years to find their homeland, I'm sure after 2 years being told "have faith" works a toll on the soul.  But she ended it with...

"May we try to believe in our faith.  May we try to believe in the Spirit.  May we try and believe in the Miracles."

Count the blessings.  Make the miracles the milestones in your life, not all the times where you cried out to the heavens.  Don't click your heels three times and give up, don't give your miracles a time limit.  But believe that if you keep clicking those heels, it will eventually come.

Look forward to the sunrise.

Bitter Taste

Once upon a time there was a blogpost here. A very angry one. It caused a lot of miscommuncation and bitterness. I really felt the so called "Bitter Taste."

Now miscommunications have been communicated. I would've deleted this earlier but I was afraid it would cause more miscommunications... but now its settled. So there is no reason to leave it up.

Its time to move on.

Starting now.

Crayola Blue

I wrote this while getting a burger in Davis... enjoy!

Crayola Blue

If you asked me my first memory,
I'd lie to your face.
I'd say it was my mother,
teaching me to wait.
But I learned on my own,
I learned it from you.
You are my first memory,
across the sandbox,
with your eyes so blue.

CHORUS:
I'll meet you at the swingset,
and we'll push one another.
We'll swing so high,
we'll fly to each other.
I'll meet you in the slide,
play by nobodies rules.
We'll play tag,
with only us two.
I'll be in playground,
waiting for you.

I remember, back in preschool,
you were the nicest boy I knew.
When you shared with me your crayons,
and you whined and cried,
cuz I never gave back that blue.
No matter how hard I tried,
they were never as blue as yours.

CHORUS

In our rambunkious years,
sneaking out in the night.
the moon smiling down,
as we admitted our love in the twilight.
Your jawline showing signs of manhood.
My curves showing signs of womanhood.
holding each others hands to adulthood.

CHORUS

My baby is beautiful,
I wish you'd stop by.
He has blue eyes like yours,
named him after a childhood sweetheart of mine.
This world is so scary,
so big and scary without you.
Without you.
Can we please, please go back to...

Meeting by the swingset,
pushing one another.
Swinging so high,
flying to each other.
Our secret hideout in the slide,
when I could call you mine.
Yeah call you mine.
I'll be in the playground waiting for you.
Waiting for you.
In the playground, waiting for you.

Long Awaited Rant

And it has to wait even longer.

I need it so bad.

But I won't have time to until I get home from work.

At 10.

God help me.

Not Ready

I am giving into love, I am refusing to give in to fear.

I don't know if Esther was quoting a RENT song, or just speaking her mind par usual, but that really hit me hard. I can't explain why. I feel my heart beating louder then ever, maybe afraid of knowing that one day it will stop.

I am loving in fear. I know that. I love Adam, and I am waiting, but I'm also scared that maybe he isn't the one for me, or I'm not the one for him. I'm not ready to shut down my options. I'm not ready for happily ever after. After is a key word there- it must come after a long fought battle. After scrubbing floors for years under your evil stepmother, after hiding a secret of being someone your not for a night, after finding your true love and having to let them go, to let them seek you out and whisk you away.

I know life isn't a fairy tale, but I still have too many stars to make wishes on before I make my happily ever after. And sometimes, stars are not made to be held, just to be looked at. How do I know which one I should be reaching for? And which one I should be admiring from afar?

Latin- A New View of Life

In highschool I took 3 years of latin in 2 years. Freshman year: Latin 1. Sophomore year: Latin 2 & 3 HN. I wasn't studying enough as it is, and I only took it because friends suggested I should. I wanted to learn something I could speak though. And not Spanish because I took that in middle school. I was French and had French relatives. So Junior and Senior year I took French 1 & 2 HN.

I hated it. I always found myself asking- what are the english words derived from French? Yeah French is cool and all, but how does it relate back to the language I speak now. My entire French class spent 20 min talking about whether I should, in college, continue with French or go back to Latin. It ended with going back to Latin. Now for my fall semester I will be taking Intermediate Latin- which means I have been studying like mad so I won't die in this class.

As I spent my night sipping coffee, highlighting text, and typing up notes, I rediscovered the verb "to love." The dictionary entry is amo, amare, amavi, amatum. In english that translates to: I love, to love, I loved, I will love.

The word that sticks out the most is "amavi." Pronounced Ah-Mah-Wee. It is the past tense of I love. It is one completed action in time. A language so ancient that it is declared dead, has the simplist explanation as to why we have heartbreak, or why we end up leaving in the end- because it is no longer a constant feeling.

"Why did you date him?"
"Amavi. I loved."

How simpler of an explanation do we need?